What's your best/worst joke?

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last three decades.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven .....

They reached the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter duly escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and bar and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your Reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.

"What are the green's fees?", grumbled the old man.

"This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic salads and desserts and free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the diet colas and decaffeinated tea and coffee?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or ..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your stupid bran muffins. We could have been here thirty years ago!"

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A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her
Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 100
Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denominations?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me
28 Catholic, 22 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, 22 Baptists and
18 Atheists."

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A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a
car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the
vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer."
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"I don't mind coming to work,

But that eight hour wait to go home is a bit much."

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Wife to Norm: "What's your excuse for coming home at this
time of the night?"

Norm to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."

Wife to Norm: "What? At 2 a.m?!"

Norm to wife: "Yes. We used night clubs."

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the
Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't
like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook
and really good with the kids".

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A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should
have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at
8:30?"

I realize this is a bit near the knuckle for this website! But it's my sense of humor.

An eighteen year old young lady was sat on father Christmas' knee, he said "what would you like for Christmas young lady?" she said "I would like hair around my 'you know what'" he said "would a beard do?"

oumahexi said:

Do the words "I work for the council" qualify as a joke????

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More of an oxymoron than a joke.

what do you call a castrated pig?

disgruntled

Joke for the week

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad get his hair cut eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie”. She says, “Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too!”

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Lifes Not what you expect

Very Very Good Jokes.thanks for sharing.

From Dave Barry, a humourist:

Recently my family and I spent a week in London, which is a popular foreign place to visit because they have learned to speak some English over there.
Although frankly they have a long way to go. Often, when they get to a crucial part of the sentence, they'll realize that they don't know the correct words, so they'll just make up some silly ones.
ME: "Could you tell us how to get to Buckingham Palace?"
BRIT: "Right. You go down this street here, then you nip up the weckershams."
ME: "We should nip up the weckershams?"
BRIT: "Right. Then you take your first left, then you just pop 'round the gorn-and-scumbles, and, Jack's a doughnut, there you are!"
ME: "Jack's a doughnut?"
BRIT: "Right"

Don't know if I posted this before here, but here it goes anywho:

Which leads me to a true story about myself (FoFa) and travel.
Back in 1994 I was in route to the middle east to do a software install in 4 countries.
A little nervous because of the unrest at the time and being an American. My first thought was "well at least my first night is in England, I should be able to speak the language anyway."
So I was flying into Gatwick Airport, where I needed to transfer to Heathrow, and stay at a hotel for the day/night before leaving the next morning for the U.A.E. I was told to take a bus between the two airports. Sounds simple.
I clear customs at Gatwick, and proceed to the customer information counter to ask where the "bus" is I need to take.
I get up to the counter, with a nice looking young lady there, and ask where I can catch the bus to Heathrow.
She points behind me and her mouth starts moving, but, I only understand about every 5th or 6th word. I cought, door, sign, and bus.
Now this was not a case of words I didn't understand, like lift, or lorry, etc. Since I work with Brits I know some of the words, this was rather, well, foreign, completely.
Any way I said something intelligent like "Huh? would you repeat that?"
To which she did. And I assume exactly, because I understood the same words, and didn't the majority of them.
She also pointed behind me once again, so dumbfounded I grab my suitcase and head off in the direction she pointed.
After wondering around for about 10-15 minutes, some nice guy from the Netherlands walks up and says, "You look lost?"
I says yes I am, and explain my predicament, and he gives me directions, in perfect English.
Anyway, just though I would share.

well to be honest their are a fair few derivatives of the english language, here in the UK. ultimately it is the queens english that is common to the world however social class divides indouced different evolutions of the language along with a number of other reasons. However FoFa without doubt you experienced some 'cockney rythming slang' commonly found in north london. although cockney is more of an made up language rather than being and evolved one its fun to rythm stuff....

A Charin' Cross goes into a near and far and the car an' fender says "why the chuffin' long face ?".

Highlight below for a translation:

A horse goes into a bar and the bar tender says "why the long face ?"

Minkey said:

A Charin' Cross goes into a near and far and the car an' fender says "why the chuffin' long face ?".

Highlight below for a translation:

A horse goes into a bar and the bar tender says "why the long face ?"

Click to expand...

Ha! I almost got that one without the highlight, having been educated about the use of rhyming in the slang over there (in other threads here). Except for the Charin' Cross, I wasn't sure what that was at first.

I'm no expert on Cockney rhyming slang, but a cockney I worked with for years told me that you never use the rhyming word, so near and far , and car an' fender both did , the last phrase is of course not rhyming slang.

Now Charing Cross how does that equate to a horse?

brian

Cross rhymes with hoss?

Rich said:

Cross rhymes with hoss?

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Had a quiet chuckle at that, pretty smart Rich.

Brian

Brianwarnock said:

I'm no expert on Cockney rhyming slang, but a cockney I worked with for years told me that you never use the rhyming word,

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Erm it's rhyming slang for a reason What about apples and pears - stairs

There is a 'new' type of Cockney 'rhyming' slang which takes it to the next level for example if you are "Listerine" your are "antiseptic" and therefore anti-American (septic being the rhyming slang for American, septic tank - yank)

This cockney assured me that you would say for example

"Despite my aching plates I had to run down the apples to answer the dog"

Brian

What about apples and pears - stairs

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Just apples me old china!

Have I got it Brian?

None of it makes any sense anyhow.

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the

other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a policeman sat

down in the aisle seat.








After takeoff, the policeman kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was

settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and

get a coke."








"Don't get up," said the policeman, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."








As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the policemans shoe and spat in it.










When the policeman returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks

good, I'd really like one, too."








Again, the policeman obligingly went to fetch it.








While he was gone the other Arab picked up the policemans other shoe and spat in it.




When the policeman returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the

plane was landing, the policeman slipped his feet into his shoes and knew

immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.

"How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred?

This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes....?"






THE POLICE WILL ALWAYS WIN.