What's your best/worst joke?

Mohammad, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio.

"What is your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammad" answered the kid.

You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammad returned home. "How was your day, Mohammad?" asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammad. I m in America and now my name is Johnny."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" and she beat him. Then she called his father and he too beat him.

The next day Mohammad returned to school.. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?

"Well ma'am, 4 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by Muslims."

An Asian man walks into an Australian Post Office and asks for a postage stamp. The clerk hands him a stamp and says "That'll be 60 cents thank you", the Asian looks at the stamp and says "I was here yesterday and it was only 55 cents, why is it more now?" The clerk replies "Fluctuation".

The Asian replies "Fluck you Aussies too!

An Asian was coming to America. His relatives received him at the airport and then they went to a hamburger joint to eat. A hot dog was ordered for the new immigrant. He had never heard of a thing called hot dog. When the hot dog was served, he looked at it and said,"Sorry, I cannot eat this. I will eat any other part of the dog."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto got chased into a box canyon (no way out) by a indian war party. The Lone Range turns to Tonto and says, "Looks like we are done for it". Tonto reply's, "What do you mean "we", honky".

Really Dumb Jokes:

yo mother is so fat, the recursive function computing her mass causes a stack overflow.

Yo momma's so fat that when I used multiple integration to find the volume under her curves, it turned out she was a hypervolume and could not be graphed.

Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”

Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

How many programers dose it take to change a light bulb?
None – It’s a hardare problem

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.

There are only 1 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don’t.

A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
very long pause….
“Java.”

Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.

Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”
The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu”
“Please excuse my friend,” the second string says, “He isn’t null-terminated.”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra. He is embarrassed but realises it has nothing to do with his dyslexia.

What do dogs and keyboards have in common?
Nothing.

Why did the color blind man cut the red wire and accidentally blew himself up and all the other people involved in the situation?
Because he didn't know how to defuse a bomb.

My mother in law fell down a wishing well, i was amazed, i never new they actually worked

Why do flamingos hold up one leg?
If they held up two they'd fall down.

Rx_ said:

There are only 1 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don’t.

Click to expand...

Clearly this one was passed on by someone who doesn't understand binary.

GCF: Retirement

Two officers pulled their police cruiser up behind a car stopped on
the shoulder of the highway. They got out and asked the driver if
they could help. No, he replied, there was no trouble; he had just
stopped to look at a map. When we turned back, they noticed that his
German Shepherd had jumped in the open passenger-side front window of
the police car.

"You may think there's no trouble," the first officer smiled, "but
your dog obviously thinks he's done something wrong. He's in our patrol car."

The motorist laughed. "He probably thinks you've come to take him to
work," he replied. "He's a retired police dog."

GCF: Prospective Juror

Judge to prospective juror: "And why do you wish to be
excused from serving on this jury?"

"Your honor, it's because I don't believe in capital
punishment and I don't want my personal thoughts to
prevent the trial from running its proper course."

"Madam, this is not a murder trial. It's a civil lawsuit.
A wife is bringing this case against her husband because
he gambled away the $25,000 he had promised to use to
remodel the kitchen for her birthday."

"Well, okay. I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about
capital punishment after all."

GCF: Wired for Sound

(Note: This is set before wireless was popular)

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord
as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord
and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several more turns and jerks, a little girl in the third pew
leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Telegram
From: Bin Laden
To: Faithful Followers
Indeed 72 Virgins await you STOP be advised no bodily openings STOP many other followers already here STOP much weeping

Galaxiom said:

Originally Posted by Rx_
There are only 1 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don’t.

Click to expand...

Clearly this one was passed on by someone who doesn't understand binary.

Click to expand...

The version I have heard is:

GCF: An Irish Toast

A guy raises his glass and toasts his girlfriend. "May you be in
Heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you're dead!"

"What's that mean?"

"That is an authentic Irish toast."

"Oh. In that case, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"

"That's French toast."

Thanksgiving Break Up

A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.

The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.”

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news.

The sister says, “I’ll handle this.”

She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.”

The father agrees, “All right.”

The old man hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?”

An important message from our president to his supporters!

AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM OUR PRESIDENT TO HIS SUPPORTERS!

نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدنيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نوراگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيستنقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيستنور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خير ه ما نقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نوراگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيستنقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نوراگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيستنقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيس ت نقش ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگر نم ي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نوراگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيستنقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نوراگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ن نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيستنقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر
If I hear more, I'll let you know

Finding Her Place

On her way back from the movie intermission, a blonde asked a man at the end of the row, “Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?”

Man hoping for an apology said, “Indeed you did.”

Blonde nodded, and said, “Oh good. Then this is my row.”

BigHappyDaddy said:

The version I have heard is:

There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those that understand this message and those that don't.
​

Click to expand...

The correct joke that cannot be spoken is

There are only 10 kinds of people in this world, those that understand binary and those that don't .

Unless of course bighappydaddy's is a subtle one between programmers.

Brian

GCF: Guest Speaker

We recently had a guest speaker at our church. He is from India, part
of an organization that our church supports.

Before he started his sermon, he asked if anyone had called any
customer support numbers recently.

When several people in the congregation raised their hands, he said, "That's

Brianwarnock said:

The correct joke that cannot be spoken is

There are only 10 kinds of people in this world, those that understand binary and those that don't .

Unless of course bighappydaddy's is a subtle one between programmers.

Brian

Click to expand...

I know I said "heard", but I in fact first saw it written on a white board in our business system manager's office. A friend of mine and I had walked into the manager's office to ask a question. I saw the message on the board, starting laughing right away. The manager looked at me and said "I knew you would get it!". We turned to my friend. After he had read it 4 or 5 times and still shaking his head, we explained the "10" was binary. So yes, I love the fact that this joke is a subtle joke, understand by a "select few". I have a copy of it posted on my cubicle wall.

Yesterday I underwent a painful procedure that required me to have my spine and both testicles removed.

Still, I got some great wedding presents!