What's your best/worst joke? (4 Viewers)

Dick7Access · Jan 19, 2016

GCF: Drawbacks of Working in a Cubicle

* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing
who's behind you.

* The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

* When you quit and walk out, there's no door to slam.

* Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a freakin' box
all day long.

* The carpet has been there since 1976 (or older) and shows more
signs of life than your coworkers.

* If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle
inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say, "What? I didn't
hear you."

* You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by
the time you turn to look they're gone.

* 23 power cords - 1 outlet.

Frothingslosh · Jan 19, 2016

Dick7Access said:
GCF: Drawbacks of Working in a Cubicle

* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing
who's behind you.

* The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

* When you quit and walk out, there's no door to slam.

* Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a freakin' box
all day long.

* The carpet has been there since 1976 (or older) and shows more
signs of life than your coworkers.

* If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle
inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say, "What? I didn't
hear you."

* You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by
the time you turn to look they're gone.

* 23 power cords - 1 outlet.

Story of my life.

The_Doc_Man · Jan 19, 2016

* The carpet has been there since 1976 (or older) and shows more
signs of life than your coworkers.

Yes, but at least you have some really fresh protein snacks available. (I'd put the emoticon for "gag me with a spoon" but I don't know what that one looks like on this forum.)

Katiecat29 · Jan 20, 2016

ha ha ha this thread cheered up my day

Katiecat29 · Jan 20, 2016

thanks everyone keep lowering the bar

Dick7Access · Jan 20, 2016

GCF: Software Engineering

In a recent computer software engineering course, the participants
were given an awkward question to answer:

If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of
programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how
many of you would disembark immediately?

Among the many raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked
what HE would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay
on board. With his team's software, he reasoned, the plane was
unlikely to even taxi as far as the end of the runway, let alone
leave the ground!

The_Doc_Man · Jan 21, 2016

Right now I work for the Federal Government and have to remember that FAA software was written under a contract that was awarded to the lowest bidder.

Galaxiom · Jan 21, 2016

The_Doc_Man said:
Right now I work for the Federal Government and have to remember that FAA software was written under a contract that was awarded to the lowest bidder.

One of the Apollo astronauts once said something like, "How would you feel going to the moon in a machine made from millions of parts each built by the lowest bidder."

Frothingslosh · Jan 22, 2016

Galaxiom said:
One of the Apollo astronauts once said something like, "How would you feel going to the moon in a machine made from millions of parts each built by the lowest bidder."

And here I thought that quote was just from Armageddon.

Galaxiom · Jan 22, 2016

Frothingslosh said:
And here I thought that quote was just from Armageddon.

They would have borrowed it.

The original was from Alan Shepard, the first American in space (1961).

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alan_Shepard

According to Gene Kranz in his book Failure Is Not an Option, "When reporters asked Shepard what he thought about as he sat atop the Redstone rocket, waiting for liftoff, he had replied, 'The fact that every part of this ship was built by the lowest bidder.'"

Dick7Access · Jan 23, 2016

GCF: Missing Dog

One overcast evening I passed the principal of our local high school
who was out looking for his missing dog, a Collie and real Lassie look-alike.

He told me the dog often ran away, so he had put a metal tag on its
collar asking that anyone finding the dog send it home in a taxi.

A few days later I again met the principal, and he told me that as he
was trudging home during a downpour that night, his snug and dry dog
had passed him in a taxi.

SQLWayne · Jan 26, 2016

A man is in a high-class hotel nursing a drink at the bar when an amazingly attractive woman walks up to him and gives him a sly look up and down, she is clearly of the 'working' class. She leans forward, revealing a delicious view, and whispers "For $200, I'll do anything you ask, but you have to say it in three words."

The man ponders for a minute, pulls four $50 bills from his wallet, and says "Paint my house."

Alc · Jan 26, 2016

Rick Astley came round to my house, last night. He said he was bored and asked if could borrow some Pixar movies.

"Well," I said "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo, but I'm never gonna give you Up"

SQLWayne · Jan 26, 2016

What do you call a banjo player wearing a suit?
The defendant.

What's the difference between a dead violinist in the road and a dead banjo player in the road?
There's skid marks in front of the violinist.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola burns longer.

SQLWayne · Jan 26, 2016

A man gets in to a taxi in New York City and tells the driver to take him to Grand Central Station. As they're driving along, the man thinks they passed Radio City Music Hall, so he taps the driver's shoulder to get his attention to ask him.

The driver SCREAMS, the vehicle swerves, almost hits an on-coming car, and finally comes to a stop half-up on the curb.

The passenger says "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to startle you!"

The driver replies "That's OK. Today's my first day on the job, for the last twenty years I drove a hearse."

Alc · Jan 26, 2016

Among ocean creatures, the swordfish has few natural predators. Its only real opponent being the penfish, which many marine biologists claim to be mightier.

Galaxiom · Jan 26, 2016

Welcome to Heaven. Here is your harp.

------------

Welcome to Hell. Here is your piano accordion.

Rx_ · Jan 26, 2016

Its important to know what to do when you die.
1.) Do not drive a Car
2.) Do not operate heavy equipment
3.) Do not talk

http://www.quotes.net/mquote/50498

The_Doc_Man · Jan 27, 2016

Welcome to Hell. Here is your piano accordion.

And your teacher is Mr. Al Yankovic.

Actually, I used to play the "German Aggravator" instrument. However, my mother was a teacher at a local music school and she left our accordion locked up in the music store. One night, an enterprising - and probably somewhat skinny - burglar knocked out two cinder blocks in the back of the building to gain entrance. He stole several band instruments and the accordion. If he had a big enough truck, there were two spinet pianos available, but that would have been a bit harder to manipulate by a single burglar.

I can freely admit that I used to play accordion. These days, though, I'm an organist.

The_Doc_Man · Jan 27, 2016

With thanks (I think...) to my old friend Gretchen...

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a cup of mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and hitting the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite-year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahertz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
13. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
14. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
15. 1000 cc's of wet socks = 1 literhosen
16. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

Groan if you must. (I did.)

What's your best/worst joke? (4 Viewers)

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