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Old 10-23-2017, 08:23 AM   #2746
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says,'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'

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Old 10-23-2017, 08:31 AM   #2747
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

WARNING - Involves American Politics...

Q: Who are the two people most responsible for Bush Jr. being elected/reelected?
A: Al Gore and John Kerry.
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Old 10-23-2017, 08:34 AM   #2748
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark_ View Post
WARNING - Involves American Politics...

Q: Who are the two people most responsible for Bush Jr. being elected/reelected?
A: Al Gore and John Kerry.
You coul apply that to our latest debacle and the punch line would be Hillary Clinton...

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Old 10-26-2017, 03:32 PM   #2749
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

GCF: Natural Laws

"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people. They have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Barnes' Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That
person must be fired.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Berg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the
first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
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Old 10-30-2017, 08:40 AM   #2750
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

This is for the oldies:

A couple of gentlemen of a certain age are sitting in the garden together at one of their houses, while their wives are in the kitchen preparing lunch.

The host says to the visitor, "You know, my wife and I had a marvellous meal in a new restaurant just opened in town - I'd thoroughly recommend it - good food, excellent service and reasonable prices."

The visitor asks "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The host is stumped for a minute, "What's its name, what's its name hmmm." Then he asks "Oh I know - what is that flower that all women like to get?"

"No idea. Pansies?"

"No ... they are usually red."

"Er ... poppies?"

"No no no - er - they've got thorns in the stem."

"Roses?

"Yes that's it" says the host. And turning towards the kitchen he shouts:-

"Rose! What's the name of that restaurant?"
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Old 10-30-2017, 08:43 AM   #2751
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the Hardware Store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he realized he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'


The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much, that's very creative' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he says 'Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, adjust my skirt, and have your wicked way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy Smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
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Old 11-04-2017, 11:07 AM   #2752
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Lightbulb Re: What's your best/worst joke?

At the risk of being accused of advertising on this site:

Technology Today announced the new innovation for Amazon.
This seems to me more real than Drone delivery or other innovations.
Unlike the standard Amazon Web pages today, it will provide customers to be immersed in a 3D experience of the products for sale!

They have a code name for this new release.
Amazon is going to call it a "Store".

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Old 11-13-2017, 05:29 AM   #2753
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

Younger Generation on Marriage

Dearest Dad,
I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am presently living in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland . We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.
Lots of love and thanks.
Your favorite daughter,
Lilly



DAD'S RESPONSE:
My Dearest Lilly,
Like Wow! Really? Cool!
I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have a honeymoon on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.
Love,
Your Dad


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Old 11-13-2017, 06:14 AM   #2754
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

Quote:
Younger Generation on Marriage
Good one CJ!

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