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Old 06-28-2019, 07:01 PM   #2956
The_Doc_Man
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

My grandson could probably have done it in 3 hours. He's gotten very good at that.

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Old 07-01-2019, 08:04 AM   #2957
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have 
a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”
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Old 07-01-2019, 08:47 AM   #2958
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

Gertrude and Mabel were chatting up a storm while driving along a busy street when Mabel drove through a red light.
"Goodness!" thinks Gertrude. "Was that light red?" she thinks to herself.

After a few more blocks, Mabel runs another red light while blissfully yakking away.
"Mercy! I'm almost certain that light was red!" thinks Gertrude, but she is afraid to say so, having been accused of seeing things lately.

After Mabel runs a 3rd red light, Gertrude realizes this is reality and must say something before they get killed.

"Mabel, do you realize you drove through 3 red lights?"

"Goodness me!" Mabel replies. "I thought you were driving."

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Old 07-01-2019, 12:33 PM   #2959
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

Ouch! Micron, the worst part is that one is too true to be good in some areas.
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Old 07-01-2019, 05:53 PM   #2960
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

If this is the worst, what do I win (I'm fairy confident as you'll see why)?


While passing a farm during his leisurly Sunday drive, a man spied a pig in the farm yard and lo and behold! this pig had a wooden leg.

"Why on earth would anyone put a peg leg on a pig?" he mused. He just had to know, so he pulled up to the farm house. The farmer came out to greet him.

"Good day, sir. I was driving by and noticed you have a pig with a wooden leg. I just have to know why anyone would do this."

"W'al" drawled the farmer, "that'd be Bonnie. She's special, that's fer shur."

"OK, but why does she have a wooden leg?" asked the man.

"W'al, one day lil' Bobby fell down in the well. Bonnie came to th' hawse all a-squealin and a-snortin and we knew sumthin had tuh be wrong so we follered her outside 'n she led us tuh the well. Bonnie done saved our little Bobby."

"Okaaay..." said the man. "but why the wooden leg."

"W'al one day Big Joe was plowin' the field and the tractor done flipped over and pinned him good. Bonnie came to th' hawse all a-squealin and a-snortin and we knew sumthin had tuh be wrong so we follered her out tuh Big Joe and we got him out. Bonnie done saved our Big Joe."

With a hint of exasperation in his raised voice the man said "Right! Now why does she have a wooden leg for Pete's sake?"

"W'al...one nat when we wuz a a-sleepin the house caught on far. They was smoke everywhar but we din't know cuz we wuz a-sleepin. Bonnie ran around the house like a crazy pole cat, a-squealin and a-snortin and woke us all up. We knew sumthin had tuh be wrong so we all got up and saw th' far and escaped. She done saved all ar lives."

By now the man was completely exasperated.

"Good Lord, man! I've listened to your stories and asked you 3 times why the pig has a wooden leg and you still haven't told me."

"W'al" drawls the farmer, "I 'spected you'd figure it out after the first story but I s'pose you caint cuz yer a city slicker. A special pig like that ya don't eat all at once!"

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Old 07-02-2019, 08:39 AM   #2961
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

I'm dating a girl from the zoo

I think she's a keeper
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Old 07-02-2019, 09:05 AM   #2962
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

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Old 07-02-2019, 09:12 AM   #2963
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

CJ, good poster. The theists among us (I'm not one) might add "Not only that, but it is harder to climb a stair than it is to walk along a highway." Just 'cause I'm no longer much on religion doesn't mean I forgot what I learned when I still believed.
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Old 07-02-2019, 10:11 AM   #2964
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

Doc, what a horrible thing to say! Walking down the highway... I never!

They'd be bused down the highway. Walking would be dangerous!
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Old 07-02-2019, 11:43 AM   #2965
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

Given the destination, I think the traffic would be the least of their worries if they believed in it at all.
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Old 07-04-2019, 02:21 PM   #2966
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Exclamation Re: What's your best/worst joke?

Most common response at last G20 Economic Summit:
"That's what Xi Said"

Love is Grand.
Divorce is 100 Grand.

His friend was dating a girl from the city zoo. He thinks she is a keeper.

He had the IQ of 122. That is equal to the IQ of 122 P.E. Economics Major graduates.
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Old 07-10-2019, 02:21 PM   #2967
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop and asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?” "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. He apologises and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! Nobody knows more about wasps than I do. There is no way that the sounds on that record were made by European ones!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir ............
It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
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Old 07-10-2019, 02:36 PM   #2968
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

TAHHH DAHHHH!!!
Took me by surprise. Right up my alley.
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Old 07-10-2019, 07:56 PM   #2969
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

Definitely a honey of a joke, CJ
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Old 07-14-2019, 03:37 AM   #2970
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

Eddie and his wife June are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Heineken and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks June. 'They're on sale, only £25 for 24 cans,' Eddie replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further along June picks up a £50 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks Eddie.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Heineken and it's half the price.'



Eddie is expected out of hospital next month

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