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Old 03-11-2018, 09:58 PM   #2866
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

I don't belong with the ROMEO crowd but my stepson hangs out with some older guys from his job who go by that name.

Dick - passing through or staying over?

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Old 03-12-2018, 04:39 AM   #2867
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

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Originally Posted by The_Doc_Man View Post
I don't belong with the ROMEO crowd but my stepson hangs out with some older guys from his job who go by that name.

Dick - passing through or staying over?
Unfortunately just passing thru. I usually stop in Slidell, but I have a meeting in New Port Richey on wed. and have to be in Vidor, TX by Fri. We will have to get together one of these years.

When did Navy records have a fire in New Orleans. How many years ago?
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Old 03-12-2018, 05:29 AM   #2868
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

I'm not even sure I recall such an incident. But where I worked, we had no such fire. Our shop was all concrete and steel, though. The only thing burning was our ears when folks talked about us.

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Old 03-14-2018, 03:13 PM   #2869
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

...
...
...

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
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Old 03-18-2018, 07:49 AM   #2870
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation.

So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided. "We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".

There are then doubts expressed about the childs healthy upbringing. "Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet", they reply.

So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for.

"It doesn't really matter", they say, "so long as they fit in the cannon".
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Old 03-29-2018, 07:15 PM   #2871
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

One day at a big library, Satan walks in. He's in full demonic display, complete with bat wings, tail, talons, hooves, red skin, horns from the forehead, forked tongue, and a neatly tailored goatee. Everyone looks up. Within seconds, they are streaming out of the building, screaming at the top of their lungs.

Satan shrugs and heads for a long hallway with lots of chairs and reading lamps. In no time at all, the hallway is empty as people run screaming. The next two rooms? Same story. Everyone runs.

Finally, Old Scratch enters a large, quiet room and coughs. Again, people run screaming - except for one old man. Satan walks up to him and clears his throat. The old man looks up. Satan says, "Everyone left when I walked in. Everyone except you. Don't you fear me?"

The old man says, "Fear you? For the last forty years I've been married to your sister."
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Old 04-19-2018, 05:49 AM   #2872
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

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Old 04-24-2018, 10:12 AM   #2873
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

Robot Lie Detector
Guy buys a robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
He asks Johnny what he did that afternoon.

Johnny says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps Johnny.

Johnny says, "okay. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
His Dad asks, "what movie did you watch?"
Johnny says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps Johnny.
Johnny says, "okay, we were watching porn."
His Dad says, "What?* At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps his Dad.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps his mother.

Robot for sale...
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Old 05-01-2018, 05:51 AM   #2874
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

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Old 06-28-2018, 10:19 AM   #2875
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

On a winter's day.........

8:00 am I made a snowman.

8:10 am A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 am So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 am My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 am The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 am The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 am The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 am I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 am The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa.

8:40 am The Police arrive saying someone has been offended.

8:42 am The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 am The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 am TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 am I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 am I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.

9:29 am Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live today and it is going to get worse.
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Old 06-28-2018, 12:53 PM   #2876
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

Did you know most Americans pray before eating?

Can you imagine praying 18 times a day?

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Old 06-28-2018, 02:35 PM   #2877
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"Lion Tamer Wanted"

A young man went to the circus with his mother. As they walked towards the big top, passing the Winnebagos and paraphernalia that accompanies a circus he noticed a sign on one of the trailers which said "lion tamer wanted". You go on ahead mum, he said I'm going to see about this job! He knocked on the door and was greeted by an elderly gentleman who asked him what he wanted? He said I'm applying for the lion tamer job! Ah! wonderful said the chap, the jobs still open. I've done it for many years but I'm just getting too long in the tooth. What's involved? Asked the young man? Well there's nothing too complicated, said the older guy. I can teach you everything you need to know but really there's nothing to teach. The Lions are so well trained they know exactly what to do, you just crack the whip and they will climb up on the podium. Crack it twice and they will raise their paws and roar! They can really put on a good show. But is it safe? said the young man? It's perfectly safe said the wise old man. But what if one of the Lions comes towards me said that young guy? Well just crack your whip and it'll back off... Yes but what if that doesn't work? Well then you hold up the chair, they are terrified of the chair. Yes but you know there must be some knack to it, I mean I can't see a whip and a chair protecting me. What if a lion just keeps on coming at me? What do I do? Well you'll be perfectly safe, they have never attacked anyone. But just say, what if I crack the whip and the lion keeps coming and I wave the chair at the Lion and it still keeps coming what do I do then? Well you pick up some shit and throw it in its face... But what if there's no shit? Oh don't worry, there definitely will be!
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Old 06-28-2018, 03:15 PM   #2878
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

A friend of mine is a real life lion tamer. He trains them and plenty of other animals from insects to giraffes for film, commercials etc. Has his own studio so the animals don't have to travel

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Old 07-02-2018, 03:10 AM   #2879
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Re: What's your best/worst joke?

There's this spiritual teacher I have found very helpful - Eckhart Tolle - One of the reasons I find him very helpful is his brilliant grasp of comedy. In this video clip he talks about the time he lost his meditative state and was irritated by a check out cashier - https://youtu.be/v7W7PoYg4C8?t=5m59s
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Old 07-09-2018, 05:46 AM   #2880
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