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Old 09-02-2003, 07:02 AM   #16
Newman
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A science guy in his lab grabs a fly.

It took the fly's front legs off, release the fly and ask it to fly.
The fly flies and the guy grab it again.

It took the fly's back legs off, release the fly and ask it to fly.
The fly flies and the guy grab it again.

It took the fly's rear legs off, release the fly and ask it to fly.
The fly flies and the guy grab it again.

It took the fly's wings off, release the fly and ask it to fly.
The fly lies in his hand...

The guy takes his book and note:
"Fly's ears are on their wings"
========================
A guy to another.
-I don't know what is wrong, I am seeing large red flashing dots every nights.
-Have you seen a doctor?
-No! Just large red flashing dots.
========================
A blonde shows a 5$ bill to her boyfriend.
-I got this by climbing a tree.
-What?
-A guy told me he would give it to me if I climbed the tree.
-Come on! He did it to get a look at your underwear from underneath your skirt.

Next day...
She shows another 5$ bill to her boyfriend.
-I got this by climbing a tree again.
-I told you! He did it to get a look at your underwear.
-I know! But this time he couldn't have seen it.
-Why?
-I didn't wear any.

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Old 09-05-2003, 06:35 AM   #17
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Mile's right shouldn't let this thread die so..............

Man walks into the doctor's.

Man:
" Doctor I think I'm a moth"

Doctor:
"You don't need me - you should've gone to a psychiatrist."

Man:
"I know but your light was on"
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Old 09-05-2003, 06:43 AM   #18
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Here's an oldie

Man goes into Docs and says

"Doc, I think I'm a pair of curtains"

Doc says "Pull yourself together"

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If thats the best I can do I reckon I'll go home now.

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Old 09-05-2003, 06:45 AM   #19
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That's even worse than my joke, I bow to the master and please don't give up the day job.
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Old 09-05-2003, 06:46 AM   #20
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How do you make a drummer play quieter?

Put music in front of him.

How do you make a drummer stop playing?

Ask him to read it.

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Old 09-05-2003, 06:48 AM   #21
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Quote:
Originally posted by BarryMK
That's even worse than my joke, I bow to the master and please don't give up the day job.
Sorry Barry, that is bad I know. Its got to be the worst so far
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Old 09-05-2003, 06:58 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally posted by ColinEssex
How do you make a drummer play quieter?

Put music in front of him.

How do you make a drummer stop playing?

Ask him to read it.
I don't play the the drums but I do know that there is music notation ( drum notation? ) for playing the drums.

Listen to Dream Theater's Mike Portnoy for a great drummer.

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Old 09-05-2003, 06:59 AM   #23
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Chap goes into Docs and says

"Doc, I think I'm a pair of pliers"

Doc says, "Get a grip mate"

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Old 09-05-2003, 07:02 AM   #24
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Quote:
Originally posted by Cosmos75

I don't play the the drums but I do know that there is music notation ( drum notation? ) for playing the drums.

Listen to Dream Theater's Mike Portnoy for a great drummer.
I play drums in a rock n roll band, first heard that drummer joke about 100 years ago!!!

Check out Buddy Rich for a great drummer.
Col
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Old 09-05-2003, 07:02 AM   #25
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There's Robin Hood with an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman. They've all been really bad to Robin Hood, so he says to them, "Sorry guys, I'm going to have to shoot you. You've got a choice of one drink before you go and I have 3 arrows each."

The Englishman says, "I'll have a pinta lager please." He's given a pint of lager, knocks it back in one and stands where Robin tells him to. Robin lines up his bow and arrow, and shoots and the Englishman dies.

The Scotsman says "I'll have shot of whiskey please." So he knocks back his whiskey, Robin aims and fires and the Scotsman dies.

The Irishman says, "O'il hava bottla aftershave please." Robin Hood says, "What, aftershave. Are you sure?" "Ah yes, positive", replies the Irishman. Robin can't believe this and says again, "You really want to drink a bottle of aftershave?" "Absolutely shurrr thank you." So Robin finds him a bottle of aftershave, the Irishman swigs it back until it's finished, stands in the appropriate place and Robin Hood aims up his bow and arrow and fires. Whoosh - the arrow goes straight over the Irishman's head. "Wow - that's never happened before" said Robin. He lines up his next arrow and fires. Whoosh, around the Irishman it goes. Totally bemused Robin said to himself, "Golden arrow time", lines up extremely carefully and fires. "Whoosh" it goes round the Irishman the other way. "Well", said Robin, "You've had your 3 arrows. You're free to go ... but can you just tell me your secret." "Ahhh", says the Irishman, "Aramis!!!!."
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Old 09-05-2003, 07:06 AM   #26
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I've played bass for the last %******!!! years. I always thought drummers were people who like to spend time with us musicians?
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Old 09-05-2003, 07:08 AM   #27
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Yeah, heard that one too Barry you'd be lost without a drummer
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Old 09-05-2003, 07:10 AM   #28
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Agreed Colin. I guess us rythmn sectioners should stick together What good's a band without a motor?
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Old 09-05-2003, 07:41 AM   #29
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One of my faves but it does test the profanity filter a bit. Look away all who may be offended ....

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.
'Where's the p*ssing, mother fu*kin manager, you c*cksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.
The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the chicken-fu*kin manager of this b*stard place?'
'Yes sir I am,' replies the manager,'but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.
'Fu*k off' replies the bloke 'and where's the fu*kin piano?'
'Pardon?' say's the manager.
'Fu*kin deaf as well, are we? You sniveling little piece of sh*t, show me your b*stard piano' 'Ah,' replies the manager,'you've come about the pianists job' and shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'
'Of course I can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
'That's superb. What's it called?'
'I tried to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my d*ck,' replies the bloke. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
'Magnificent.' Cries the manager. 'What's it called?'
'I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer.'
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard,
'And what's this called?' asks the manager.
'As I fu*k you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece,' replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he does not introduce any of his songs or talks to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid eyes on. She is wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out of the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.
The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice. 'Where's that b*stard pianist?' He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts some more tunes.
The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear,' Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and dripping semen on your shoes?'
The bloke replies. 'Know it? I fu*kin wrote it.'
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Old 09-05-2003, 07:58 AM   #30
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Well I can't top that, But this is my favorite "Dirty Joke"

A Man fell in some mud

Should be hidden, spoils the suprise

Could you add a "Hidden" colour?

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