Guide to US tourists generally

[ColinEssex]

This was in yesterdays paper

20 April 2006
MORE YANKS ALOUD
Brian Reade - The Mirror

THE US State Department has issued guidelines to Americans travelling abroad in a bid to bury the loud and arrogant stereotype of the Yankee tourist.

"Think big but talk and act smaller," they are being told, because "surveys show we are viewed as arrogant, over-materialistic and ignorant of local values."

Hey, buddies, come on. You're not all like that. Kevin Spacey's OK.

Besides, it would be a tragedy if you followed these guidelines and we were denied the sight of chequered lard monkeys waddling down our streets weighed down with camcorders, asking directions to the nearest vomitorium (or whichever burger joint Chad from Palookaville recommended).

Banning the stereotypical American tourist would be a disaster because seeing them is one of the few occasions we Brits get to feel good about ourselves. It makes us realise we do have a more cultured lineage.

Spend 10 minutes in their company and you end up feeling like a Keats or a Shelley. Thin, brilliant, suave, and desperate for industrial-scale quantities of opium.


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Stay loud, guys. And we'll all have a nice day.

 

[TessB]

Well, if you happen to see Tom Cruise wandering around town, please detain him and keep him there for as long as you can.

There's one you can have....

And we'll take Colin Quinn and Graham Norton.
They both seem quite loud and fit over here quite nicely.

 

[ColinEssex]

Well, if you happen to see Tom Cruise wandering around town, please detain him and keep him there for as long as you can.

There's one you can have....

We have enough religious freaks of our own thanks Tess
Placenta, egg, beans and fries. . . . .mmmmm lovely

Col

 

[Kraj]

And we'll take Colin Quinn and Graham Norton.
They both seem quite loud and fit over here quite nicely.

Oh, no... don't you even think about giving us Colin Quinn. I haven't liked him since Remote Control. Tough Crowd was a big steaming pile of crap, and he always has this detestable frumpy frown on his face. He's one of the few people whose mere countenance irritates me.

 

[MrsGorilla]

Oh, no... don't you even think about giving us Colin Quinn. I haven't liked him since Remote Control. Tough Crowd was a big steaming pile of crap, and he always has this detestable frumpy frown on his face. He's one of the few people whose mere countenance irritates me.

I have to agree with you there. I've never liked him.

 

[Rich]

I've never liked him.

and I've never heard of him

 

[Rich]

Well, if you happen to see Tom Cruise wandering around town,

Is this who you mean ?

 

[ColinEssex]

Oh, no... don't you even think about giving us Colin Quinn.

I didn't like to say, but who the hell is Colin Quinn? Never heard of him

Col

 

[TessB]

Is this who you mean ?

Yes..... PLEASE..... if you see him, put a bag over his head and plop him in the Thames.

 

[ColinEssex]

Yes..... PLEASE..... if you see him, put a bag over his head and plop him in the Thames.

They interviewed him (Tommy babe) on breakfast TV here today Tess. You want a copy of the tape?

Col

 

[TessB]

LOL... yes, please... but before you send it over, edit it for me so that it ends with him being dragged kicking and screaming off the stage.

I'm certain you can find some good footage to splice in.

 

[Kraj]

Colin Quinn is a two-bit comedian who landed on Saturday Night Live long after people stopped caring about him. Then he got a show on Comedy Central called Tough Crowd which was trying to be a low-brow Politically Incorrect but failed to be funny or to provide any insight whatsoever into the issues.

Here's the sod's irritating face:

 

[Matty]

Yeah, I can't stand the guy either. Norm McDonald and Kevin Nealon were WAY funnier.

 

[carlnewboult]

Well, if you happen to see Tom Cruise wandering around town, please detain him and keep him there for as long as you can.

There's one you can have....

And we'll take Colin Quinn and Graham Norton.
They both seem quite loud and fit over here quite nicely.

You can definatly keep Graham Norton he does most people's heads in.

 

[Rich]

Well to get the thread back on topic
I do believe the State department for overseas holidays was originally going to call the pamphlet "How to pretend to be Canadian when vacationing overseas"

 

[Vassago]

Would you rather have Asian tourists? They look like they are having bowel complications when they take pictures:

 

[ColinEssex]

Would you rather have Asian tourists? They look like they are having bowel complications when they take pictures:

We get these instead a common sight in Oxford Street in the summer

Col

 

[BarryMK]

We get these instead a common sight in Oxford Street in the summer

Col

Come on now, Col that's a very old picture of Kenny's mom and pop

 

[ColinEssex]

Come on now, Col that's a very old picture of Kenny's mom and pop

I didn't say they were American

Col

 

[lmnop7854]

Col:

My initial question would be - why, when visiting the UK of all places, would one be dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, straw hat, and shorts? Since when is the UK a tropical paradise? You really get tourists dressed like that?

Lisa