What would you do, if you knew?

ShaneMan

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This may be too much to think about but I guess this is where I'm at in my life and I am watching it with my own eyes, so it made me think to ask this question. Maybe there won't be any responses and in a way I wouldn't blame anybody because it's a lot to think about. With all this said, here goes.

As you all know, I have a 16 yr. old step daughter with cancer, who was told last Friday, that there is nothing more they could do and that she needs to enjoy what time is left. Doctor didn't give her a time frame but did make a reference to shoot for "sending Valentine's cards out." Kate is a very intelligent girl and I do not think this news was a surprise to her. I believe in my heart, that this is something she has known for quite sometime. Kate did not cry and as soon as the doctor left the room, she started laughing and making the rest of us laugh. She has done this for the full year that she has fought her cancer. Tons of chemo, radiation, 3 major, major surgeries and still keeps smiling, laughing and making everyone else have a good time around her. I watch all of this and I'm always amazed at the attitude and maturity that she displays and it always makes me think, "what would I act like if I was in her shoes?" I can't fully relate because I'm 49 and she's 16, but even at my age I wonder would I be handling it as good as she is?

Now that the stage is set, here's the question. If you knew that you life was going to end in the next few months and you also fully knew that the likelihood of how it was going to end, is going to painful and drag out for some time, how would you act? What would your attitude be? What would you do? Who would you see? Who would you want to hang out with you?

Shane
 
Hi Shane,

This is a pretty brave thing you're doing. I really appreciate your sharing your experience with Kate with me. My church is remembering your family in regular prayer. I reminded my choir to pray for you in last night's practice.

Before I answer you, I'd like to say that you (and Kate) are holding up better than I am. At times I have cried for Kate (and you) and when I talk to you, you're all like this pillar of strength and I feel like a weak knee little boy. I always thought it was supposed to be the other way around. Thank you for being my strength during your hard time.

If I knew I was gonna go, I'd go visit all my family. I really, really want to see my mother of 93 years at least one more time. We are flung throughout the South US. I haven't seen most of my family for 3 years. There are some members of my family I haven't seen for 10 or more years. It's a travesty.

I think I'd want to slow down and talk more. I mean, really talk, face to face, with the people I love (or even people I barely know who I'd like to get to know and love).

I'd probably want to go to interesting places: Hawaii (never been), Disney World (been there lots), the Taj Mahal, Red Square, Rome, Paris, London, New York City, The Grand Canyon, Nashville, Virgin Islands, etc. But only if I could go with somebody I could share it with.

With whatever time I had left, I would want to engage in humanitarian efforts like building wheelchair ramps, cleaning old people's houses and yards, singing for people in hospitals and homes. Whatever I could do that might make a small difference.

Again, thank you for sharing an intimate part of your life.
 
To start with I would let all of the people I love know it. Then I'd encourage them to not worry, that God has given me peace and I'm going to a better place and tell them that my prayer is that if they hadn't made God a part of their life that they would.

Then I think I'd like to spend some time at the maternity ward at the hospital. Babies to me are miracles from God and every time I see a new child it tells me God hasn't given up on us yet. I'd like to be outdoors as much as possible, maybe travel where I haven't been if was affordable. Thanks for sharing Shane :)
 
I try to live every day as if it's my last. I really do. Simply because one day it just might be, and I'd not like to get to the Summer Land and be wishing I had taken the time to help that person when I knew I could but felt it was inconvenient. Safe to say I won't be counting the pennies in place of the hugs, and I'm happy with that.

Sorry Shane, nothing would change in my life. I've already been to that very edge, taken stalk and am pleased to say I am ready when the time comes.

My heart is with you and your family.

Footnote: In the last five years two of my cousins have held their own wake before they got too ill after being diagnosed with terminal cancer.
 
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It is going to depend on the state you are in, if you have only a few months and you have been weakened by the treatment then there is a good chance that the options are limited.
At my age I would want to ensure that my affairs are in order so as to be as small a burden on the family as possible. Like George and Ken I would want to contact all family and friends before it is too late.
If I could travel I would continue to do so, but I think that I would want to spend as much time with my family and close friends as they could spare.

Oh, and there a number of malts that I haven't tasted yet.

I don't know how I would have handled it at 16, and my heart bleeds for Julie, to lose two children in their teens is very unfair and things are often harder for those looking on, Hazel handles her disability better than I do.

Brian
 
Shane, the answer to that question will depend on the individual. My answer is immaterial to anyone else. Kate's answer is really the only one that counts for Kate. What you have to do is be supportive, do what you can with her, help her meet at least some of her dreams. What to do? Ask her what SHE wants. I'll bet, from what little I know of you, that she will want to do some family-oriented activities. Just remember that unless SHE also wants to do it, anything you might want to do could be selfish. Now is the wrong time for selfishness.

What would I do? Visit my family in various places around the USA one last time. Stop by my parents' grave site one last time. Say good-bye to those less-than-intimate friends who have gone their separate ways. Find and forgive some of the childhood bullies who vexed me when I was a kid.

Assure my wife's financial security to the best of my ability to do so, including last will and testament updated to match current holdings. Make my wishes about "heroic measures" perfectly clear and legally binding.

Then play with my grandsons to assure that they have good memories of "Beaupaw." (It's fractured French for "the good paw-paw" and is the name given to me by the older grandson when he was yet too young to say "Grandpa.") Have pictures taken with each of them. Finish my half-finished autobiography that is inteneded for their eyes only. Tie up a few loose business ends.

Then, when the pain became more than I could bear, talk to someone in the American Hemlock Society about options. If and only if the prognosis was terminal, imminent, and irrevocable, there would come a point when I would prefer to go with my mind not so blinded by pain as to be incoherent. You have to understand that I watched my mother die of complications from Alzheimer's Disease, which took her all the way to stage 4 of that ailment. I will not go that way if I can humanly avoid it. But not until that is all that is left to do.
 
Shane, the answer to that question will depend on the individual. My answer is immaterial to anyone else. Kate's answer is really the only one that counts for Kate. What you have to do is be supportive, do what you can with her, help her meet at least some of her dreams. What to do? Ask her what SHE wants. I'll bet, from what little I know of you, that she will want to do some family-oriented activities. Just remember that unless SHE also wants to do it, anything you might want to do could be selfish. Now is the wrong time for selfishness.

Totally agree and understand what your saying. Unfortunately, this is not the first time Julie and I have gone down this road. Julie's son, my step son, died a little over two years ago, and my son died in 1985. What Kate wants to do is the only priority we have and it has been that way for most of this year, cause we had a real good idea where this was going to end up. I don't guess I really meant for my question to be so much how I should respond to Kate or her needs as much as how much I'm awe struck with her response to all of this, which makes me wonder, "how would I act under her circumstances." That then takes me full circle to ask or share the question with you good folks as to how would you respond to hearing such news.

Hope I worded this right. I'm really not trying to have a come back to what you said as much as I'm trying to reassure you that we have been in this rodeo before and I think/hope we are handling it in a very unselfish way.

Shane
 
I think/hope we are handling it in a very unselfish way.

Shane
You are, don't torment yourself that you're not, all you can do is be there for her as much as you can and hide your inner grief from her.:(
 
You are, don't torment yourself that you're not, all you can do is be there for her as much as you can and hide your inner grief from her.:(

Thanks Rich. The last part of your sentence, "hide your inner grief", is the REALLY hard part, at least so far. Kate does help take the edge off of it though cause this is how she always looks....:D:D
 
Hope I worded this right. I'm really not trying to have a come back to what you said as much as I'm trying to reassure you that we have been in this rodeo before and I think/hope we are handling it in a very unselfish way.

Unselfish? No way, I'm totally honored to be part of the process.
 
I would not tell my family. They seldom contact, so there's no need for false sympathy.

If I was alone and able to get out, I'd blow all my money and hope I did actually die before the bills came in.

If I was still married, I would ensure the little woman was well taken care of, get things ordered (coffin, funeral music etc) the sit on the sofa eat loads of curry's, chinkies, make a last post on the Access forums and wait to die.

Col
 
Hi Shane,

This is a pretty brave thing you're doing. I really appreciate your sharing your experience with Kate with me. My church is remembering your family in regular prayer. I reminded my choir to pray for you in last night's practice.

Before I answer you, I'd like to say that you (and Kate) are holding up better than I am. At times I have cried for Kate (and you) and when I talk to you, you're all like this pillar of strength and I feel like a weak knee little boy. I always thought it was supposed to be the other way around. Thank you for being my strength during your hard time.

Again, thank you for sharing an intimate part of your life.

Thanks George, for all you do. I guess 2 Cor 12:9 says it all, huh?;)
 
I don't know how I would have handled it at 16, and my heart bleeds for Julie, to lose two children in their teens is very unfair and things are often harder for those looking on, Hazel handles her disability better than I do.

Brian

Thanks Brian, you've tested out to be a good friend.:) I just wish a big ole pond didn't separate us.
 
dear s-man, been following along and want to say sorry and i'm around too if you need anything.

er, i have very little experience with this kind of thing. the bit about hiding grief has me a bit confused. i could be off-base but it does seem to me to perhaps be...wrong, for lack of a better word. let it show man. let everyone know, but especially the one you'll lose. i think it will be appreciated more than anything.

hugs.
 
dear s-man, been following along and want to say sorry and i'm around too if you need anything.

er, i have very little experience with this kind of thing. the bit about hiding grief has me a bit confused. i could be off-base but it does seem to me to perhaps be...wrong, for lack of a better word. let it show man. let everyone know, but especially the one you'll lose. i think it will be appreciated more than anything.

hugs.

Thanks Wazz. Maybe a better way of wording the showing the grief part. I do let it show plenty but around the right folks and at the right time. We all feel that we know Kate and there is no doubt in any of our minds that is the last thing she wants to see, at least for now. She's seen it out of all of us, at times. Like last Friday when the doctor came in and had to tell us the news. We also know, that if this runs its course, then there will be plenty of time to show it later. Right now, outside of Kate being in a wheelchair, you wouldn't know that there is anything seriously wrong with her. All in all, she feels pretty good, but she has a monster growing in her. On her spine, and 6 or more in each lung, so it's a matter of time before her feeling good changes and I feel pretty sure the grief will start shortly after that.

Right now I don't know if it's grief I feel or not. What I was referring to earlier, when replying to Rich, is there are times when she's sitting beside me or we are laughing and making fun of each other, the thought crosses my mind that this won't last much longer and that is a sad thought. At those times I hold back the tears cause I really don't think Kate wants to see us dealing with it. Kate did text one of her friends last Saturday and she told her what was happening with her and what the doctor had said but she also told her friend that "she did not want her to come over if she was going to be sad!" In the end, if you think about it, I am showing my grief. I'm talking to the world wide web and I'm being pretty up front about what's going on.;)

Thanks again for what you wrote and please don't take what I have said as a rebuttal because that's not how its meant. I really just want to portray Kate how she is and things the way they are.

Shane
 
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she also told her friend that "she did not want her to come over if she was going to be sad!" In the end, if you think about it, I am showing my grief. I'm talking to the world wide web and I'm being pretty up front about what's going on.;)
yup, that did occur to me.

Thanks again for what you wrote and please don't take what I have said as a rebuttal because that's not how its meant. I really just want to portray Kate how she is and things the way they are.
Shane
nope not taking it as rebuttal at all. just trying to understand. in this i'm a noob. my reaction would probably be to keep it in, too. i have experience with that, as do most of us i guess. was just a thought.

ur original question is a good one, that's for sure. maybe one of the great ones.
 
The source of her grace can come from many places. At 16, she has seen the loss of others in her family. I wonder if she is being brave for YOUR sake.

When I watched my dear old Mom go down that dark spiral of Alzheimer's, she showed her emotions freely, but I couldn't. The one time I broke down in front of her, it took nearly an hour to calm her down again. That is when I learned the hard truth. Keeping a "stiff upper lip" isn't an idle bit of advice. But it requires a knowledge of why Kate is still so upbeat. There are those who might say that grief is another way to express the depth of one's love.

I'm not going to guess what is going through Kate's mind, but it bears investigating. If SHE is trying to hide her emotions from YOU, and YOU are trying to hide your emotions from HER, neither of you are being honest with each other. I can't tell you what should be your style here. Ain't my place to do so.

But were it me, I would ask Kate to be honest about how she felt and get the negative emotions out as a form of therapy for her. I wonder if she has seen (and felt) so much suffering that for her, the happiness is a strange type of relief in knowing that soon the pain will be over. I've seen that in a cousin who died of liver cancer and an aunt who died of heart issues. Both took that attitude.

Shane, my wife has added Kate to a list of those for whom she prays. I am not a praying person, so I cannot honestly say I am offering any kind of intercessory prayer. To understand why, I'll give you this hint: Read the Apocryphal "Book of Esdras" first three chapters. This thread isn't about me so I won't belabor that issue.

Since you are a firm believer in God (as noted in prior posts), I hope that you can find some solace in the belief that Kate will ascend to a place where pain is but a memory, fear is not even a dream, and love is a constant reality.
 
The source of her grace can come from many places. At 16, she has seen the loss of others in her family. I wonder if she is being brave for YOUR sake.

When I watched my dear old Mom go down that dark spiral of Alzheimer's, she showed her emotions freely, but I couldn't. The one time I broke down in front of her, it took nearly an hour to calm her down again. That is when I learned the hard truth. Keeping a "stiff upper lip" isn't an idle bit of advice. But it requires a knowledge of why Kate is still so upbeat. There are those who might say that grief is another way to express the depth of one's love.

I'm not going to guess what is going through Kate's mind, but it bears investigating. If SHE is trying to hide her emotions from YOU, and YOU are trying to hide your emotions from HER, neither of you are being honest with each other. I can't tell you what should be your style here. Ain't my place to do so.

But were it me, I would ask Kate to be honest about how she felt and get the negative emotions out as a form of therapy for her. I wonder if she has seen (and felt) so much suffering that for her, the happiness is a strange type of relief in knowing that soon the pain will be over. I've seen that in a cousin who died of liver cancer and an aunt who died of heart issues. Both took that attitude.

Shane, my wife has added Kate to a list of those for whom she prays. I am not a praying person, so I cannot honestly say I am offering any kind of intercessory prayer. To understand why, I'll give you this hint: Read the Apocryphal "Book of Esdras" first three chapters. This thread isn't about me so I won't belabor that issue.

Since you are a firm believer in God (as noted in prior posts), I hope that you can find some solace in the belief that Kate will ascend to a place where pain is but a memory, fear is not even a dream, and love is a constant reality.

Thanks Doc Man and be sure to tell your wife we really appreciate her prayers. I could attempt to explain to you why I am not, nor is my wife, concerned with Kate or our actions, but it involves a subject that is not well received and in my opinion, not very well understood, by most on this forum. We are around Kate everyday. Julie has been spending almost every waking hour with her for over a year. They have had many, many heart to heart talks and we feel very safe in our judgment of Kate and her response to this. No one is pressuring her to act in any way.

"find some solace in the belief that Kate will ascend to a place where pain is but a memory" this for me and my family, is where all of it is wrapped up. This is where our faith is and this is also the reason why Kate, as well as the rest of us have a peace during this storm. This is why Kate acts the way she does and why she has the smile and upbeat personality she does. She's not being brave for her sake or ours. She's putting her faith and trust in what she has believed for many years now. Not asking any one to agree with this, but for me and my house, we will serve the Lord and we will lean on His strength and not on our own understanding.
 
I lost my first wife & son many years ago and - to be perfectly honest - definitely did not have the grace and poise of your daughter afterwards. I'm not a Christian but I have seen the benefits of faith a number of times over the years. The only thing that your daughter needs to know is that she is loved now, will be loved tomorrow and will never be forgotten when the time comes. Take her where she wants, when she wants and let her grab what's left of her time by throat and shake it till it surrenders! I lost my son & wife instantly in a car wreck so I never got to say all the things that I wanted to say - you've got the chance and, if I understand your daughter's character from the posts, she will probably be more worried about how you'll cope than what is happening to her! I cannot imagine what it is like knowing that part of your child's future but I can imagine what it feels like the day after! To quote the Egyptians - "may God walk with you in the empty places you must walk". I'll tell your story to some friends of mine who will, without doubt, offer prayers for you and your family.
 
Hmmm. Tough question, Shaneman. As you are probably already aware, I was diagnosed with leukemia three years ago. Since that time, I lost a brother to a heart attack (52 years old), lost my Dad to Parkinson's Disease, and a cousin to pancreatic cancer (53 years old). Those events have already changed the way I react with some people. Whenever I am around my kids or siblings, I always treat them as if this is the last time I will see them. Anything else seems like a waste of time. No need of arguing over politics or sports, unless it is in a friendly manner. My leukemia is a chronic version, so I don't think about it much. There are a lot of things I want to do when I finally get to retire, sometimes I worry if I'll be in good enough shape to do any of that. But I am not in a position to drop the job and all and go looking for adventure. Probably wouldn't, if I could. But, in full agreement with the DocMan, I don't want to waste away the way my Dad did. Give Kate a hug from me, a fellow cancer patient. I'll certainly be thinking or her next year at the Relay.
 

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