What's your best/worst joke?
- Thread starter Fornatian
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fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
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Senior Activity
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Thought you'd might like to see what I did today.
I went to the store this morning. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a piece of horse poo. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Thought you'd might like to see what I did today. I went to the store this morning. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a piece of horse poo. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.
Parking tickets are handed out by police in the states? Nothing better to do? In the UK we have these parking attendants from private firms on contract to the council. The police hate them. Used to be metre maids (lovely Rita) much nicer 
. One day a was walking down this road and a meat wagon drove by. Over the PA was "Get to work you bloody parking attendants" and sure enough a couple of parking attendants were idling on a bench. They are sharks though they wait by your car so as soon as your times up they nail you. They claim not to get performance related pay but they can win prizes like a holiday or a car. They don't stick to rules though, they park wherever they want.
. One day a was walking down this road and a meat wagon drove by. Over the PA was "Get to work you bloody parking attendants" and sure enough a couple of parking attendants were idling on a bench. They are sharks though they wait by your car so as soon as your times up they nail you. They claim not to get performance related pay but they can win prizes like a holiday or a car. They don't stick to rules though, they park wherever they want.
andy_dyer
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The finals of the Australian poetry contest came down to 2 finalists. One was a Melbourne University Law School graduate from an upper-crust family. He was well bred and well connected. The other was a Bogan from Broadmeadows TAFE. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word 'Timbuktu'.
The Melbourne uni grad went first. About 30 seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following:
"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination - Timbuktu."
The audience went wild. How, they wondered, could the Broadmeadows Bogan top that? The clock started again and the second contestant sat in silent thought. Finally in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:
"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three slutts in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."
He Won…
The Melbourne uni grad went first. About 30 seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following:
"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination - Timbuktu."
The audience went wild. How, they wondered, could the Broadmeadows Bogan top that? The clock started again and the second contestant sat in silent thought. Finally in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:
"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three slutts in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."
He Won…
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
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Marriage
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scholiasts?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scholiasts?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
A travelling salesman visits a small town and sees a circus banner reading:
"Don't Miss The Scotsman." Curious, he buys a ticket.
The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the
centre ring. There, spotlit in the centre ring is a table with three
walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old Scotsman. Suddenly
the old man lifts his kilt, whips out a huge John Thomas and smashes all three
walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly
Scot is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he
sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the
Scotsman." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less
still doing his act! So he buys a ticket.
Again, the centre ring is illuminated. This time, instead of
walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Scotsman stands before
them, then suddenly lifts his kilt and smashes the coconuts with three
swings of his amazing member. The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after
the show.
"You're incredible," he tells the Scotsman. "But I have to know
something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well, son " says the Scot: "Ma eyes are nae whit they used to be....... "
"Don't Miss The Scotsman." Curious, he buys a ticket.
The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the
centre ring. There, spotlit in the centre ring is a table with three
walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old Scotsman. Suddenly
the old man lifts his kilt, whips out a huge John Thomas and smashes all three
walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly
Scot is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he
sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the
Scotsman." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less
still doing his act! So he buys a ticket.
Again, the centre ring is illuminated. This time, instead of
walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Scotsman stands before
them, then suddenly lifts his kilt and smashes the coconuts with three
swings of his amazing member. The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after
the show.
"You're incredible," he tells the Scotsman. "But I have to know
something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well, son " says the Scot: "Ma eyes are nae whit they used to be....... "
Bush or Kerry
There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.
Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says,
"I'm not a Bush fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?
Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."
There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.
Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says,
"I'm not a Bush fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?
Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."
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A young, very naive (and somewhat blonde) woman marries a minister. But due to scheduling issues they have to get married on the Friday after Ash Wednesday. No other dates are available for weeks after that one. So they accept that date, have their wedding and reception, and head for the hotel.
The sweet, young thing gets into her sexiest negligee, makes her sultry-sexy entrance, and says, "Are you ready to get it on, honey?"
The minister, like Moses, looks longingly at the promised land, but finally says, "Darling, I can't. It's Lent."
His bride says, "Oh, no! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"
The sweet, young thing gets into her sexiest negligee, makes her sultry-sexy entrance, and says, "Are you ready to get it on, honey?"
The minister, like Moses, looks longingly at the promised land, but finally says, "Darling, I can't. It's Lent."
His bride says, "Oh, no! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"
Facelift
A middle age woman decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," was the reply.
"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies,
"Nope, I'm 47."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds,"I am 47, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips one hand under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she said, "Okay, okay,... how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts and removes his hand and says, "Madam, you are exactly 47 years old."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,... how did you know?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"No", she said.
So he replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds'"
A middle age woman decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," was the reply.
"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies,
"Nope, I'm 47."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds,"I am 47, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips one hand under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she said, "Okay, okay,... how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts and removes his hand and says, "Madam, you are exactly 47 years old."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,... how did you know?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"No", she said.
So he replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds'"
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be eight again, " she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice
big bowl of lucky Charms, and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate
shake.
Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog,
popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you dickhead!"
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches,
with a cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. "It's very brave of you to come
out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened."
"Well" replies Simon, "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle
when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed
outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was
eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but
they couldn't save my legs."
"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks
Matthew.
"No Matthew. While I was in hospital the doctors informed me that
my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the
advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body.
The operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for
six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
"That's an unbelievable story. So, who are you going to be?"
"Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be...
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... Simon and Halfuncle'
"I'd love to be eight again, " she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice
big bowl of lucky Charms, and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate
shake.
Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog,
popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you dickhead!"
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches,
with a cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. "It's very brave of you to come
out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened."
"Well" replies Simon, "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle
when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed
outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was
eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but
they couldn't save my legs."
"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks
Matthew.
"No Matthew. While I was in hospital the doctors informed me that
my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the
advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body.
The operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for
six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
"That's an unbelievable story. So, who are you going to be?"
"Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be...
…
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…
…
…
…
…
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…
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... Simon and Halfuncle'
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
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- Mar 28, 2003
- Messages
- 989
The man and the little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, lad, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife
Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her
tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they
made passionate love.
Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I
only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma
agreed and again they made love.
Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had
only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said,
"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then
afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he
tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped
his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours
left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave,
I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her
tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they
made passionate love.
Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I
only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma
agreed and again they made love.
Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had
only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said,
"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then
afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he
tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped
his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours
left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave,
I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
A man goes into a lawyer's office and says, "I heard people have sued the
tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and McDonald's for
making them fat."
The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."
The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too."
The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonald's, or the tobacco companies?"
The man says, "Neither I'm suing Budweiser for all the ugly people I've slept with."
tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and McDonald's for
making them fat."
The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."
The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too."
The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonald's, or the tobacco companies?"
The man says, "Neither I'm suing Budweiser for all the ugly people I've slept with."
mitchem1
Registered User.
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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her.......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, and just a kid, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her.......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, and just a kid, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
andy_dyer
Registered User.
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- Jul 2, 2003
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- 806
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
andy_dyer
Registered User.
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- Jul 2, 2003
- Messages
- 806
e-mail one
Attention: Human Resources
Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader
e-mail two
Attention: Human Resources
Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.
Regards,
Project Leader
Attention: Human Resources
Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader
e-mail two
Attention: Human Resources
Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.
Regards,
Project Leader
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
- Local time
- Today, 12:29
- Joined
- Mar 28, 2003
- Messages
- 989
Signs
Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE
DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT
BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY
CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET
LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE
BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE
DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT
BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY
CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET
LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE
BELL DOESN'T WORK)
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
- Local time
- Today, 12:29
- Joined
- Mar 28, 2003
- Messages
- 989
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!
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