What's your best/worst joke? (4 Viewers)

[andy_dyer]

Two guys are moving about in a huge supermarket when their carts collide.

One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was actually looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, the other guy responded, "I'm looking for my wife as >well, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well," said the first guy, "Maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with long red hair, long firm legs, huge tits and a very nice tight ass. What's your wife look like?"

"Never mind," said the other guy enthusiastically, "Let's look for yours!"

 

[IMO]

Picked up by the Police , these are some of the comments made by the drivers


1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.


2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.


3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?


4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!


5. Are you Andy or Barney?


6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.


7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?


8. I pay your salary!


9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!


10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.


11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.


12. When the Officer says "Gee, Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" you probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee, Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

IMO

 

[FoFa]

What do you get if you don't pay your exorcist promptly?
Repossessed

Hardy Har har

 

[ColinEssex]

Nice one FoFa - I like that

 

[Groundrush]

Good Morals

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?

She was a dream!


There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of
her underwear.

It had to be deliberate.

She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

 

[Jacob Mathai]

This is a joke from our DOS days.

Q: What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with a vampire?

A: Autoexec.bat

=====================
Doctor told this man he only has 6 weeks to live.

He told his friend that he is going to live with his mother-in-law.
The friend said : "I thought you did not like her that much !!"
The man said : "That is true, so it is going to be the longest 6 weeks of my life."

 

[andy_dyer]

Another football scandal!...

Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found lying dead in the house of a famous French Footballer.

Police confirm they are treating the case as "murder on Zidane's floor".

 

[andy_dyer]

oK oK!!

It has been a week since the last joke... things r slowing down!!

Guess it's up to me to keep this thread alive!!

A blonde orders a pizza and the waiter asks should he cut it into six or twelve pieces. "six please" she replies "i could never eat twelve"....

Why do blondes take the pill ? so they know what day of the week it is....

A blonde was driving down a motorway when her boyfriend calls and says "Dear be carefull, I just heard on the news that there is a maniac on the road driving the wrong way" to which the blonde replys "There not just one maniac, there's hundreds of them!"

Why did the blonde tiptoe past the chemist ? because she didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills....

 

[ColinEssex]

How does an Essex girl switch on a light?

She opens the car door

 

[andy_dyer]

Uh oh...

Opened the door now for all the blonde and sexist jokes.....

Better hope that Hayley or any other female doesn't check this thread now...

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Uh oh...

Opened the door now for all the blonde and sexist jokes.....

Better hope that Hayley or any other female doesn't check this thread now...

Guess I'm ok then as I'm not blonde

 

[Mile-O]

Guess I'm ok then as I'm not blonde

Or female!

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Or female!

How do you know may I ask?

 

[Mile-O]

How do you know may I ask?

No, you may not ask.

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Ok Andy I know you wont take this personally and all the other blokes too, but in all honesty you did ask for it

Men are like... place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like... mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise just look silly.

Men are like... parking spots.
All the good ones are taken.

Men are like... copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like... lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like... bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like... high heels.
They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like... Chinese food.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like... toilets.
They're either engaged, dirty, or full of shit.

Men are like... stray dogs.
They like to run around.

 

[Rich]

Ok Andy I know you wont take this personally and all the other blokes too, but in all honesty you did ask for it

Men are like... place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

And why not, they worked hard enough to provide the food!


Men are like... mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Use an Oil based paint

Men are like... bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise just look silly.

Bikes don't have helmets

Men are like... parking spots.
All the good ones are taken.

Stands to reason


Men are like... copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

At about 100 copies per minute I'd say pretty good value too

Men are like... lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

You mean intriguing

Men are like... bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Most mens accounts have been drained by women

Men are like... high heels.
They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men liked being walked on by women in high heels ?

Men are like... Chinese food.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

You're ordering the wrong dish!

Men are like... toilets.
They're either engaged, dirty, or full of shit.

Try the urinals instead


Men are like... stray dogs.
They like to run around.

Nothing to keep them at home

 

[andy_dyer]

See the thread had no interest for a whole week and all it took was some sexist jokes!!

Hayley those jokes were well received by the women that work in my office!!

Think I better continue then...

what do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts ? change....

how do you get a blonde on the roof ? tell her the drinks are on the house....

what do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair a brunette colour? a female with artifical intellegence....

 

[Mile-O]

Cramped on an airplane, high above the land a blonde notices a curtain swishing at the front of the cabin. Curious, she goes to investigate. She pulls back the curtain and is amazed by what she sees: spacious aisles, generous seating, meals served on golden plates, washed down with expensive wines.
Spotting an empty seat she passes through the curtains, sits down in comfort, and relaxes.

An airhostess notices the blonde and follows here through. "Miss," she says, "you are not permitted in first class."
The blonde replies: "So what? I'm blonde and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to London."

Undermined, the hostess gets the head hostess who informs the blonde that she will have to leave first class and return to her seat. "No! I'm blonde and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to London," she answers.

Sensing a problem on their hands, the head hostess informs the co-pilot who leaves the cockpit and whispers some words in the blonde's ear. "I'm so sorry," she says, returning to her seat in economy class.

"What did you say to her?" the two hostesses ask.
"Simple," replied the co-pilot, "I just told her that first class wasn't going to London."

 

[mitchem1]

How does an Essex girl switch on a light?

She opens the car door

What is an Essex girl?

 

[Mile-O]

What is an Essex girl?

Believe it or not: a girl from Essex.


*The sort of sexually obliging girl who'd kneel down in six inches of piss to oblige.



e.g. What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning?

Goes home!