What's your best/worst joke?

Scott, You seem to be getting into a lot of fights - have you considered an anger management course :confused::D
 
Old man BillyBob goes and gets a loan from the bank to buy a high priced bull. A few days later, the banker comes along and asks, "How's our bull doing?" BillyBob says, "Our bull ain't doing too good. I got him out there in the pasture with a bunch of young cows and he don't want nothing to do with them." The banker says, "You better call the veterinarian."

A couple of days later, the banker comes along again and says, "How's our bull doing now?" BillyBob says, "Plenty darn good. He has done serviced all of my cows, jumped the fence, and is working on the neighbors' cows." The banker says, "Wow! What did the Vet give him?" BillyBob says, "He gave him some pills." The banker says, "What kind of pills?" BillyBob says, "I don't know, but they tasted sort of like peppermint. "
 
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?" "
 
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

================================================



Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.


======= =========================================


During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.

================================================


Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.


================================================


I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?
================================================


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.


================================================


A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about Sex at that age."

"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"


================================================


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?


================================================


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"​

 
There was a guy in a bar, who was not talking, and just staring at his drink on the counter for over half of an hour.

Suddenly a big truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the counter, and quickly drinks it all down, causing the first man to break down and start crying.

The truck driver responded by saying, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that." The first man said. "This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go in late to my office. My boss was so mad that he fired me. Upon leaving the building to return home, I found that my car had been stolen, and the police told me that they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and I left my wallet and credit cards inside it when I got out at home. The cab driver just drove away. When I went inside the house, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. I left home, came to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you showed up and drank my poison."
 
  1. Scouser's Quiz
  3. Q. Two Liverpool girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
    A. Society.

    Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
    A. A bus shelter.

    Q. What do you call a 30 year old Scouse girl?
    A. Granny.

    Q. Why did the Scouse girl cross the road?
    A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.

    Q. What do you call a Scouse girl in a white tracksuit?
    A. The bride.

    Q. What's the first question during a Scouse quiz night?
    A. What you looking at?

    Q. Two Scouse kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
    A. The policeman.

    Q. What's the difference between a Scouse boy and a Scouse girl?
    A. A Scouse girl has a higher sperm count.

    Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
    A. Fathers day
 
What's even more incredible is that four lads with the same speech impediment went on to be the greatest pop band in the world:D
 
MSAccessRookie said:
Wikipedia says that "Scouse" refers to a person from Liverpool. Perhaps someone here has another explanation.
Click to expand...

Scouse is a person from liverpool, but with a bad bad bad anotation to it...
The people in liverpool are generally viewed as not beeing the most "social" of people... Which is offcourse a preconception, biggatary (sp?), awfull, discrimatory kind of thing... but... thats a scouser
 
A scouser is anyone from Liverpool.

http://www.merseyshop.com/products/...product_id=965&variation_id=2357&search_term=


Of course scouser is used , usually by the ignorant and bigoted as some kind of negative, classing a heterogeneous population on a negative found everywhere.

Peoples use of the word is usually a good indicator of the character of the person using it , rather than the subject themselves.

I give Richs posts 1807 followed by 1809 to give the negative form of the word its usual context.

Rich said:
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

================================================



Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.


======= =========================================


During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.

================================================


Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.


================================================


I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?
================================================


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.


================================================


A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about Sex at that age."

"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"


================================================


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?


================================================


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"​

Click to expand...



The scouse jokes were funny once, probably first time they were told - in 1972.
 
Last edited:
Pauldohert said:
A scouser is anyone from Liverpool.

http://www.merseyshop.com/products/...product_id=965&variation_id=2357&search_term=


Of course scouser is used , usually by the ignorant and bigoted as some kind of negative, classing a heterogeneous population on a negative found everywhere.

Peoples use of the word is usually a good indicator of the character of the person using it , rather than the subject themselves.

I give Richs posts 1807 followed by 1809 to give the negative form of the word its usual context.





The scouse jokes were funny once, probably first time they were told - in 1972.
Click to expand...

Don't shoot the bloody messenger especially when you've become a slave to the "PC" brigade:rolleyes:
 
Pauldohert said:
The scouse jokes were funny once, probably first time they were told - in 1972.
Click to expand...

I've been living in Liverpool for over 17 years now & have also heard the same jokes.

Difference being that Scouser is usually replaced by Brummie, Manc, Geordies, Cockney's or Woolyback.
 
And there was I thinking that Scousers had a sense of humour
 
namliam said:
Scouse is a person from liverpool, but with a bad bad bad anotation to it...
The people in liverpool are generally viewed as not beeing the most "social" of people... Which is offcourse a preconception, biggatary (sp?), awfull, discrimatory kind of thing... but... thats a scouser
Click to expand...

Thanks for the information. It was close to what I thought, but it is good to know the additional details.
 
I have also heard the jokes before Rich and thought they were funny, but they are old, but then there is always somebody that has heard the joke before , do we condemn Rich for that.

Also I believe that Scouser is reserved for people from a small part of the inner city, just as cockney is in London, I doubt if they had not been famous John and Paul from the Posh suburbs would have been considered scousers.

Brian
 
Brianwarnock said:
I have also heard the jokes before Rich and thought they were funny, but they are old, but then there is always somebody that has heard the joke before , do we condemn Rich for that.

Also I believe that Scouser is reserved for people from a small part of the inner city, just as cockney is in London, I doubt if they had not been famous John and Paul from the Posh suburbs would have been considered scousers.

Brian
Click to expand...
Which part did our kid Ciller come from?
 
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