What's your best/worst joke?

[NauticalGent]

PEEING ON MY FLOWERS
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

 

[Steve R.]

 

[The_Doc_Man]

PEEING ON MY FLOWERS
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

And the golfers think they have trouble with THEIR slice!

 

[The_Doc_Man]

View attachment 102893

That is actually the size you start to see when inflation starts to shrink the size of the product in order for it to stay the same cost.

 

[AccessBlaster]

The doctor went into Mrs. Moriarty's home, and he examined her husband.
He said, "I'm sorry Mrs. Moriarty, your husband is dead."
Immediately he got up and then he said, "indeed that I'm not dead."
And she said, "Shut up! The Doctor knows best."

 

[NauticalGent]

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

Brilliant!!!

Took me a while to get this joke!

The lady's might not get it!

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.

youtube.com

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Regarding Michael Caine's storey: Elvis Presley got it a long time ago and even gave a musical warning about it.

 

[CJ_London]

 

[The_Doc_Man]

The real question is whether there was a faint "beep, beep" on the radio at the time of impact.

 

[KitaYama]

 

[conception_native_0123]

@KitaYama you have just said that WOMAN = PROJECT. not sure about that.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Depends on how badly you want the woman, Adam. If bad enough, you will turn it into a project to win her favor.

However, as bad as it is to be a software developer, it is worse to be a system admin. There, you are doing several things at once simultaneously. There, the issue will not be dating - it will be keeping your eyes open. After a while, coffee won't help.

 

[Cotswold]

I called into the travel agent yesterday and said I'd like to book two return flights.

Where to the assistant asked.

Well back here of course.

 

[Isaac]

Depends on how badly you want the woman, Adam. If bad enough, you will turn it into a project to win her favor.

However, as bad as it is to be a software developer, it is worse to be a system admin. There, you are doing several things at once simultaneously. There, the issue will not be dating - it will be keeping your eyes open. After a while, coffee won't help.

I loathe this way of thinking about relationships but unfortunately it's all too common. The idea of a man craving a woman so bad that he will subject himself to basically allow her to be like a 3-year-old who gets anything she wants because he fears her tantrum and her disapproval.
I failed to see how that's any better or any improvement over a totally absolute patriarchal society.

Misandry is no better than misogyny, although interestingly enough, almost no one even knows the word.

Manipulating someone by leveraging something that you know they want from you and using that as leverage to be 100% selfish and controlling is a terrible form of abuse but unfortunately a fair number of men sign up and agree to it regardless. Of course half of all marriages end in divorce so maybe it doesn't work so well after all.

Equality is preferred... equal giving, equal un selfishness, equal each person trying to make the other person have their needs met.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

The idea of a man craving a woman so bad that he will subject himself to basically allow her to be like a 3-year-old who gets anything she wants because he fears her tantrum and her disapproval.

The heart wants what it wants, and besides which, lust has a funny way of screwing with your head. The trick is to not take the project so far that you become trapped BEFORE you realize that long-term it wasn't right for you.

The guy who was the best man at my wedding had the misfortune to meet someone who only wanted a legally bound sperm donor. Wasn't a good deal for him, though the son finally saw through P's ex and realized who had bamboozled whom. He's with his dad much more often now.

Fortunately, I eventually met (and married) the woman for whom equity was the way it was. Took a bit of balancing, but it turned out OK. Next week will be our 28 year anniversary.

 

[Isaac]

The heart wants what it wants, and besides which, lust has a funny way of screwing with your head. The trick is to not take the project so far that you become trapped BEFORE you realize that long-term it wasn't right for you.

The guy who was the best man at my wedding had the misfortune to meet someone who only wanted a legally bound sperm donor. Wasn't a good deal for him, though the son finally saw through P's ex and realized who had bamboozled whom. He's with his dad much more often now.

Fortunately, I eventually met (and married) the woman for whom equity was the way it was. Took a bit of balancing, but it turned out OK. Next week will be our 28 year anniversary.

Good job Doc! We're at 23 years. Definitely takes balancing but I'm thankful my wife wasn't one of those types nor was I one to play into it too much. We strive for fair balance

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[jdraw]

I saw this recently and thought others might enjoy.

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so Fred bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out his efficiency report by just... listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, Old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this one morning he noticed that Old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, Old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, perform his duties and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of Old Butch, that he entered him in the County Fair, and Old Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The judges not only awarded Old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on an unsuspecting populace and taking advantage of them when they weren't paying attention.