What's your best/worst joke?

[arnelgp]

a woman was weeping besides three graves.
a man approached her and asked, "how are you related to him (pointing on the first tomb)?

woman: my husband.
man: how did he died?
woman: he ate potato and just died!

man: how about the other one?
woman: my husband also.
man: how did he died?
woman: he also ate potato and just died!

man: and the other?
woman: my husband also!
man: don't tell me he ate potato also and died!
woman: no, he busted his head
man: how come?
woman: because he would'nt ate the potato.


'============

three chinese went to america.
they are bu, lu, and fu.
they decided to americanized their name.

bu became buck
lu became luck

...

fu just went back to china.


'============
a young lady is yelling on her maid.
lady: tell me 3 reasons why i would'nt fire you?
maid: im better cook than you!
lady: ok, i agree, another one.
maid: im better doing the laundry than you.
lady: ok, fine. last reason
maid: im, better in bed than you.

the lady got really mad.
lady: is that what my husband told you.
maid: no, that was your driver who told me.

the worst, joke:

woman, in tears and trembling.
woman: nurse how is my husband? be gentle i have heart condition.
nurse: i'm sorry maam, he has 3 days to live!
woman: (disbelief) no, this can't be please tell me the truth.
nurse: im, only joking maam... he's already dead.


'==
how would 71 person get inside a mini car?
... two in front.
... 69 at the back!

 

[Alc]

My wife gave me a sweater for Christmas but it gathers static like crazy. Luckily, I was able to take it back to the shop and exchange it for a new one, free of charge.

 

[Alc]

My wife is upset at the moment. She thinks I should quit my job now that we've started testing on rabbits.

She's probably right, I do work at a hammer factory.

 

[Galaxiom]

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

I would have expected it to be 102 grams of falling figs.

 

[AccessBlaster]

Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,

"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months." Earl spits, sips his beer and says,

"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Health Secret

An old lady is asked the secret to a long and healthy life.

"For better digestion I drink beer. If I have appetite loss I drink
white wine. In case of low blood pressure I drink red wine. For high
blood pressure I drink Scotch. And when I have a cold I drink schnapps."

"When do you drink water?"

"I've never been that sick."

 

[SQLWayne]

(Sung to the Do-Re-Mi song from The Sound of Music)

Dough - I use to buy my beer.
Ray - the guy who sells me beer.
Me - the guy who drinks my beer.
Far - a long way to the bar!
So - I'll have another beer!
La - I'll have another beer!
Tea - No thanks, I'm drinking beer!
That brings us back to Dough!

 

[Knildon]

A priest walked into the common area of the church and saw little Billy standing there staring at a plaque on the wall. The plaque had the American flag in the corners and a list of names on it.
The priest asked Billy what he was staring at. Billy replied, what is that?
The priest told him that it was a list of parishioner's names who died while in the service.
Little Billy thought a minute and then asked, which service was it the 7:30, 9:00 or 11:30.

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

Become a Priest...

It's the only job where the perks are perky...

 

[Rx_]

Hillary Clinton was sworn in as the 2016 President.
On her return to live in the White House, she was visited by three ghost of President's Past to give advice on how she could become a famous president throughout time.
George Washington visited and advised her "Do not lie".
Hillary frowned and said, "I am kind of beyond that, nope, its just not going to happen".
Next Thomas Jefferson visited and advised her "Listen to the people".
"about that", she said, "we were bought and paid for by bankers back in my husband's time, we can't bite the hand that feeds us"
Next Abe Lincoln visited and advised
"Go see a play at the theater..."

 

[Dick7Access]

SMILE AWHILE

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

Brother 2: He's dead.

Brother 1: He's dead! What do you mean he's dead?! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me?! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I called you from the airport you could of told me that the fire department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

 

[Dick7Access]

ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE

A blonde walks into a store and is immediately curious about a shiny
object on sale. He asks the shop assistant, "What is that?"

The assistant responds, "It's a thermos."

"What does it do?"

"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So the blonde buys one.

The next day she brings the thermos to work with him. Her boss, also an
air head, asks, "What's the shiny object?"

"It's a thermos."

"What does it do?"

"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

Her boss then asks, "What do you have in there?"

The blonde replies, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

 

[pike]

Copper Wire Network

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British , in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australia 's Northern Territory Times , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek , Northern Territory , Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all. Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[SQLWayne]

I would have expected it to be 102 grams of falling figs.

I thought a fig newton was the force required to accelerate one kilogram of figs to one meter per second squared. But falling is the same as accelerating, so I guess that works. I just like the thought of a fig newton air gun.


Also, time flies like an arrow -- fruit flies like a banana.

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[Dick7Access]

Animal cruelty!,Animal cruelty!

 

[madEG]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender says "Hey buddy, you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

To which the pirate replies "Aye, it's driving me nuts!"

 

[AccessBlaster]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks: "Why the long face?"