What's your best/worst joke?

[Hayley Baxter]

What's this, no jokes from Andy for a whole week? Must be drying up now are they?

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

 

[andy_dyer]

Can't have that kind of abuse from Hales...

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom"

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

 

[andy_dyer]

How to Give Your Cat a Pill

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man - or woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Ahh that's more like it but we expect more than one joke on a Friday. That'll never do

 

[indesisiv]

What is the definition of embarasment?
Running into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose first!






These four guys, an accountant, a chemist, an architect,and a govenment employee, are discussing their cats, each claiming to have the best trained. The accountant says "Calculate, do your stuff." and his cat goes into the kitchen, grabs 8 cookies and brings them back to the men, she then seperated them into 2 piles of 4 and then 4 piles of 2.
The chemist says "that's nothing, Measure do your stuff." His cat goes into the kitchen and brings out a litre of milk he then pours four equal glasses of 250 ml. The architect says "That's fuck all, Triangle do your thing." So the third cat drags out a piece of paper, and proceeds to draw a shematic of the room then the building that they are in and then the whole street. All three men are amazed by these smart cats and are surprised when the government employee says "my cat has them all beat. Coffe break, show them how to really work." So the fourth cat cats the cookies, drinks the milk, shits on the paper, fucks the other three cats, hurts himself on the last one, claims disibility files the paperwork and goes home on full gonernment pay

 

[andy_dyer]

Ahh that's more like it but we except more than one joke on a Friday. That'll never do

Well Hales,

If I have to split my jokes between this and your forum in order to keep you happy then the volume will suffer!!

But there are two now for today...

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Is that your excuse? You only posted one on the other forum so you're not getting away with that, nice try though

I suppose 2 is better than none at all

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Q How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A We don't know it never happens

Q How can you tell if a man is happy?

A Who cares

Q What do men and beer bottles have in common?

A They're both empty from the neck up

Q How do you save a man from drowning?

A Take your foot off his head

Q What is the thinnest book in the world?

A What men know about women.

Q How do men define a 50-50 relationship?

A She cooks I eat, she cleans I dirty, she irons I wrinkle

Q Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than women?

A When it's time to go back to his childhood he's already there

Now you'll need to come up with some anti-women jokes Andy to get your own back

 

[EmmaJane]

Following in Hayley’s theme, next you see a Men at Work sign remember Women work all the time but Men have to put up signs when they work

EmmaJane

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Following in Hayley’s theme, next you see a Men at Work sign remember Women work all the time but Men have to put up signs when they work

EmmaJane

Yes and they always read "Danger, men at work"

 

[Mile-O]

Why do we get signs like "Baby on Board" on cars?

If a baby isn't on board does that mean we can crash into cars? Just a momentary pondering...

 

[ColinEssex]

Why do we get signs like "Baby on Board" on cars?

Two reasons -

1) The owner wants to show the fact that they've managed to fit the baby seat satisfactorily

2) That they can lie effectively by displaying the sign without having a baby on board.

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Why do we get signs like "Baby on Board" on cars?

If a baby isn't on board does that mean we can crash into cars? Just a momentary pondering...

To give male drivers a warning to drive sensibly but since you still have to ask what it means it obviously hasn't worked

 

[Mile-O]

To give male drivers a warning to drive sensibly but since you still have to ask what it means it obviously hasn't worked

Let us not forget the driving of Lyns.

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Let us not forget the driving of Lyns.

I thought it was pretty good myself, she knows how to take a corner anyway. You are in no position to talk - at least she has a license (to kill maybe)

 

[Mile-O]

I thought it was pretty good myself, she knows how to take a corner anyway.

...to the brink of death? I thought her surname might have been MacCrae.

at least she has a license

Dog? TV? Off?

Well, I've driven bigger machines than a poxy car...!

 

[Hayley Baxter]

...to the brink of death? I thought her surname might have been MacCrae.



Dog? TV? Off?

Well, I've driven bigger machines than a poxy car...!

And there was me thinking you only knew how to drive people up the wall - maybe there's hope for you after all

 

[emcf]

well, still here at work 2 hours after i was wanting to leave. never mind, saw a good joke on a penguin wrapper -

what happened to the frog that broke down?



he got toad away!!!

genius!!

 

[Rich]

Q How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A What's wrong with the one you've already got?

Q How can you tell if a man is happy?

A He has a satisfied smile on his face

Q What do men and beer bottles have in common?

A They're both have stoppers in their mouths

Q How do you save a man from drowning?

A Repay the Alimony

Q What is the thinnest book in the world?

A Advantages of marriage, from a mans point of view

Q How do men define a 50-50 relationship?

A She cooks I eat, she cleans I dirty, she irons I work 90 hrs a week, she has coffee mornings, 5 days a week, goes to the hairdressers.............................

Q Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than women?

A Because they can't find out where to start on women

Now you'll need to come up with some anti-women jokes Andy to get your own back

 

[Rich]

I thought it was pretty good myself, she knows how to take a corner anyway.

I thought she and her Mini ended up in a ditch