What's your best/worst joke?

How long does it take for a Welshman to make love?

20 Minutes - 1 minute to do the act and 19 to apologise to the farmer
 
Hayley Baxter said:
Now you'll need to come up with some anti-women jokes Andy to get your own back
:p
Click to expand...

Reasons it's great to be a guy:
-------------------------------
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rats ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because "this one is just too icky."
Same work ... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress, $5,000; Tux Rental, $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24th, in 30 minutes.

There's one back for the boys, Hales!! :p
 
Reason why it's great to be a woman

We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Our boy friend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on their life insurance.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies (you get the point).
Taxis stop for us.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We have an excuse to be a total b*tch at least once a month.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
We're NOT men.

Hows that then Andy?:p BTW completely unimpressed by #13 you posted on the other forum - you'll live to regret that matey:D
 
What women say & What they mean...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Say: Can't we just be friends?
Mean: There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

Say: I just need some space
Mean: ...without you in it

Say: Can you help me with the work I've brought home?
Mean: If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.

Say: Do I look fat in this dress?
Mean: We haven't had a fight in a while

Say: No, pizza's fine
Mean: Cheap bastard

Say: I just do not want a boyfriend now
Mean: I just do not want (you as a) boyfriend now

Say: I don't know; what do you want to do?
Mean: I can't believe that you have nothing planned

Say: Come here
Mean: My puppy does this too

Say: I like you but...
Mean: I don't like you

Say: You never listen
Mean: You never listen

Say: We're moving too quickly
Mean: I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at work has a girlfriend

Say: I'll be ready in a minute
Mean: I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.

Say: Oh, no, I will pay for myself
Mean: I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch

Say: Oh Yes! Right there
Mean: Well, near there; I just want to get this over with

Say: I'm just going out with the girls
Mean: We are gonna get pissed and make fun of you and your friends

Say: There's no one else
Mean: I am doing your brother

Say: Size doesn't matter
Mean: ...unless I want an orgasm
 
Hayley Baxter said:
BTW completely unimpressed by #13 you posted on the other forum - you'll live to regret that matey:D
Click to expand...

Is that a proposal??

;)
 
I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F-Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
 
:D Looks like we have a battle royale on our hands!!!

Must find more ammunition!!

:p

I'll be back!!
 
I think we should appoint a hermaphrodite to adjudicate this argument. Step forward Vassago...:p
 
  • Women's nipples work.
  • It's harder for women to splash wee down their trousers - but not impossible.
  • Women don't get their genitals stuck in their flies.
  • When women buy a vibrator, it's glamorous. When blokes buy blow up dolls, it's sad.
  • Women's orgasms last longer
  • Women have maternity leave - six months paid holiday (and all they have to do is have a baby).
  • Women can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old gits.
  • For women, circumcision is not an option.
  • Women can make the men in accounts blush by discussing their sex lives in the lift.
  • Women don't go bald after their 26th birthdays.
  • Women don't grow nose hair.
  • If women are going to be gay, they get to be lesbians.
  • Women have total control over our eyebrows.
  • It's cool for a woman to be a daddy's girl. Mummy's boys, however, are quite strange and probably scary.
  • Women don't sulk for a fortnight when caught incorrectly identifying actors from obscure 70s detective programs.
  • Women can watch The Fast Show without having to memorize the script to impress work colleagues the following Monday.
  • Chili tolerance is not a measure of women's social worth (although that's not to say we don't love a curry).
  • Women have these three words: "John", "Wayne" and "Bobbitt"

:mad:
 
An uncle of mine in the RAF fought in the Falklands war, and returned to the UK in a transport plane, along with some female RAF staff. On landing back in Britain, the pilot announced over the intercom; 'Ladies and Gentlemen, we have now landed back in Britain, and Ladies; this means that you are now ugly again.'
 
Back to the Sexist Jokes!!

Why dogs are better than women:

1. Dogs like it when you leave the seat up
2. Dogs always let you have the remote
3. Dogs don't mind when you fart
4. Dogs never mean "Let's go shopping", when they ask to go out
5. Dogs don't make you throw out your old sweatshirt
6. Dogs don't complain when you leave your clothes on the floor
7. Dogs don't mind when you drop food on the oriental rug
8. Dogs can be trained to get a beer without complaining
9. "Snoop womany woman" sounds stupid
10. Dogs like it when your buddies come over to watch football
11. Dogs don't care if you watch 2 hockey games at once
12. Dogs don't mind when you have another dog or 2 sharing the same bed
13. Dogs don't retain water
14. Dogs don't require you to go to the store for special cravings
15. Dogs will kiss you even if you've ignored them for a while
16. Dogs don't slap you when you say "Fetch"
17. Dogs like it when you rub them in public
18. Bitch is a term of endearment for female dogs
19. Dogs don't require nearly as much primping to go out

Why women are better than dogs:

1. Women moan when you rub the right spot, dogs just knock stuff off the coffee table
2. Women don't have cold noses
3. "Doggy Style" is a lot more fun with a woman
4. Women don't urinate on the floor from excitement when you get home
5. Women smell nice when they're wet
6. Women, wow, I don't think about dogs that way

Funny, but both women and dogs give you that quizzical look when you start talking...........
 
Why Dogs are better than Men

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
You can house train a dog.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Dogs don't care whether or not you shave your legs.
Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
Dogs are nice to your relatives.
Dogs don't weigh down your handbag with their stuff.
Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
Dogs appreciate your cooking.
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs admit it when they're jealous.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.
 
Last edited:
What he says..what he means continued

"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Let's take your car."
Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
 
Oi Jacob!!

Stop siding with the women!! :p

She's a tricky one this Baxter woman!! :D
 
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