What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

An Arkansas man was stopped by a game warden in Western AR recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a river well known for its fishing.


The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the redneck.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

We in Arkansas may not be as smart as some, but we aren't as dumb as most.
 
Do you like Bush?

'This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in
which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer
needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and
give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in New Orleans and there is chaos all around you caused by a
hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical
proportions.
You are photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are
houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the
water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life,
trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer.
Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's
the President, George W. Bush. At the same time you notice that the
raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two
options, you can save the life of the President or you can shoot a
dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo,
documenting the death of one of the world's most famous men.

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?'
 
omg.... okay... my husband and I came to the same conclusion on that question. BLACK and WHITE baby!

What exactly does that say about our morality?

:D
 
FoFa said:
WARSH
Sounds like Illinois and Indiana having grown up in that area.
Click to expand...

My wife's grandmother says warsh and squarsh. Drives me nuts. That is mainly an Indiana thing I think, but at least I can say that I belive the vast majority of us Hoosiers pronounce it as wash. I think warsh is mostly a throwback from the old days and is being said less and less these days.
 
This should put Rich over the edge...

YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Fall s froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.


NOW, you know everything
 
KenHigg said:
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Click to expand...
Not really true, yet penuts may contain potasium nitrate but so do many other goods but you will be hard pressed trying to make dynamite out of using penuts. You can more effectly make a deadly toxin from penuts though.
 
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
Click to expand...

So does Rich :eek: :D :p

(Jest kiddin' pal :) )
 
KenHigg said:
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
Click to expand...

If you are an average Dutchy, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 years waiting at red lights (district).
Lucky enough, I do not consider meself an average dutchy :D
 
I thought this was about "best/worst jokes ....? :confused:

To get the thread back on track.... did you hear that President Bush was having a big problem regarding Roe v Wade? He couldn't decide which was best for leaving New Orleans. :rolleyes:
 
and did you here that Disney was making a new underwater film in New Orleans
Finding Negro :eek: :o
 
Considering how vile the last two jokes were, this would be the perfect time to tell the most horrible and inappropriate joke I've ever heard. But I still can't bring myself to type it. It's not even funny really...the humor comes from telling it and laughing at people's reaction of horror. So instead I'll comment on the trivia Ken posted:

KenHigg said:
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
Click to expand...
My personal favorite is "A man, a plan, a canal: Panama!" For shits and giggles, I looked up a listing of palindromes. Here are some good ones:

Anal sex at noon taxes Lana
A slut nixes sex in Tulsa.
Bob mixes sex. I'm Bob.
Cleveland DNA: Level C.
Damn! I, Agassi, miss again! Mad!
Dennis and Edna sinned.
Did Hannah say as Hannah did?
Do geese see God?
Doom an evil deed, liven a mood.
Dr. Awkward
Ed, I saw Harpo Marx ram Oprah W. aside.
Egad! No bondage!
Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog.
I'm a lasagna hog, go hang a salami.
Laminate pet animal.
Lonely Tylenol.
Nate bit a Tibetan.
Radar
We panic in a pew.
Won't lovers revolt now?
Yo, banana boy!

And the big, bad daddy of all palindromes:
http://www.palindromelist.com/longest.htm
 
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