What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

[FoFa]

Dumb Plays in the Face of Fate
A Bible printed in London in 1631 included an embarrassing typo. Instead of "Thou shalt not . . ." it read "Thou shalt commit adultery." There's one commandment that could be followed by people who couldn't follow the other nine.

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

Air Traffic Controller Quote

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

 

[GSM]

Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher
levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralysing their military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, The
Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and
excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain,
"ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance"
to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher
levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from
"isolationism" to "find somewhere else in the middle east ripe for
regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "take on the
world" and "ask the British for help".

Finally here in GB we've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to
"make another cup of tea".
-------------------------------------------------------
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and
discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family
expanded, so would his pay check.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a
gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation. At the back of the room, a little old
lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from
God but when we get too much, we wear overcoats!"

And the congregation said, "Amen."

 

[statsman]

The beloved wife of a man passed away.
At the funeral the undertaker took him aside and said,
"We have a small problem, we don't have enough cars. Would you mind sharing a car with your mother-in-law on the trip to the graveyard"?
The man paused for a moment, then said "I'll do it, but it'll ruin my whole day"

 

[Groundrush]

This story was told several years ago by Jack Canfield, lecturer and co-author of the Chicken Soup books. It was supposed to be a true story.

A young female arrived at a London hospital emergency ward complaining of stomach pains. She was quite a punker with a multicolored spiked hairdo, several tattoos and pierced body parts. The doctor diagnosed her problem as acute appendicitis and announced that they would need to operate immediately. When the nurses took her away to prep her for the operation they discovered that her pubic hair was dyed green and a tattoo on her stomach said "Keep Off The Grass!"

After the operation the surgeon attached a note to her bandages that said "Sorry honey, but we had to mow the lawn!"

 

[Oldsoftboss]

Q. How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank ?

A. Phone them the day before and tell the you wont be cumming !

Dave

 

[fuzzygeek]

DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE A Great Read, esp. the last one!

1) "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there's a man on
base."
--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,
they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think I know how Chicago got started. A bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty all right, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
go west."
--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What,
do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is
the same."
--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

17) You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'
--Dave Barry

18) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased

 

[Andromeda]

HOMER SIMPSON HUMOR

# "I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES."
# "Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!"
# "Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own."
# "Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal:
# You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done." "The strong must protect the sweet"
# "Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?"
# "Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!"
# "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
# "Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family."
# "I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight."
# "Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!"
# "D'oh!!!"
# "That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!"
# "You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."
# "God bless those pagans."
# "I'm in a place where I don't know where I am!"
# "I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t."
# "Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy."
# "Mmmm, free goo."
# "It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day."
# "I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!"
# "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.
# "Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!"
# "Ha ha! Look at this country! ? U R Gay!? Ha ha!" (looking at Uruguay on the globe).
# "Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers."
# "Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"
# "If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!"
# "Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!"
# "Good drink... good meat... good God, let's eat!"

 

[Golfer]

A teacher asks her class to give her a sentence with the word fascinate in it.

Little Emily at the front raises her arm and says “I watched my daddy driving his car and it was fascinating”

Teacher: that’s very good Emily but the word I wanted was fascinate, not fascinating !

Simon in the middle of class raises his arm says “I watched some lambs being born and it was fascinating”

Teacher: that’s very good Simon but the word I was wanted was fascinate, not fascinating !

Little Johnny at the back of the class raises his arm and says “my mummy has got a cardigan with ten buttons but she can only fasten eight” !

 

[Golfer]

i got the sack from tescos the other day , i'd only been there one day and was stacking shelves in the wines & spirits section when an albanian walked up to me and said " excuse me , can you recommend a good port ?"
"Yeah , Dover ! now F*#k off !"

(apologies in advance to any Albanian members)

 

[Golfer]

Jack & Jill went up the hill cos Jack wanted Jill's Fan*y,
Jack got a shock and mouth full o' **** cos Jill was a fu*#ing Trannie!

 

[FoFa]

Stupid Science
In 2003, three university scientist tackled the important question: Is Kanasa actually flat as a pancake? The measured a representative pancake. They measured a representative slice of Kansas. And now the truth can be told: Kansas is actually flatter than a pancakce, to a minute degree. After that study, the researches could get back to studying the other imporotant question: Are scientists thicker than syrup?

 

[Golfer]

Peter Kay 1 liners

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
"Thyroid problem?"

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized, God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to
forgive me.

My mum was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For
ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get
on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names but
one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may
break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From
there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Peter Kay's questions...

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there
is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
the window?

Peter Kay's Universal Truths

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into
a calculator - then turned the figures upside down

Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.

Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

You never ever run out of salt.

Old ladies can eat more than you think.

You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got
your hand or head stuck in something.

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.

The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on
an upturned plug.

People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Bricks are horrible to carry.

In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad.

 

[Golfer]

My wife's so fat that every time i shag her i burn my ar*e on the lightbulb !

 

[Golfer]

a bit Misogynistic but here goes !

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes ?

Nothing, you've told her twice already !

 

[FoFa]

What Were They Thinking
In the seventeenth century, Europeans believed that a doctor treating the victim of a sward wound should apply his medicines to the sword instead of the wound.

 

[FoFa]

Stupid Signs from Around the Globe
At a dry cleaners in Rome: Leave your cloths here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

 

[Kraj]

Stupid Signs from Around the Globe

From my friends' college town in southern Illinois:

At a gas station: Car warsh - $5 with fill up"

At a Subway sandwich shop: "You can't spell oup without soup"

 

[FoFa]

WARSH
Sounds like Illinois and Indiana having grown up in that area.

 

[msp]

This is a very short but funny. Even I laughed out loud...(Although our Cousins in the US my not quite get it.)

>Billy was at school in the outback and the teacher asked all the
>children
>what their fathers did for a living.
>
>All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy,
>Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and
>so the teacher asked him about his father.
>
>"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
>clothes
>in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out
>with a man, rent a cheap
>hotel room and let them sleep with him."
>
>The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little
>Billy
>aside to ask him if that was really true.
>
> "No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too
>embarrassed to say."