What's your best/worst joke?

[LuvSpudz]

Yay the thread's kicking off again!
Okay okay..

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.


Why didn't she get back on the swing?

Because she had no legs.


Why didn't anyone help her?

Because she had no friends.

 

[Groundrush]

Yay the thread's kicking off again!
Okay okay..

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.


Why didn't she get back on the swing?

Because she had no legs.


Why didn't anyone help her?

Because she had no friends.

How did she get on it in the first place?

 

[LuvSpudz]

How did she get on it in the first place?

Because she had no sense of her limitations.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

College freshman jokes

Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
'The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time.'
He continued, 'Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?'
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
'How much for a season pass?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to party instead. So, when they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tyre and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.
As each sat down, they read the first question. 'For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.' At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.
Then, the test continued... 'For 95 points, tell me which tyre it was.'

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Driver's Permit

Driver's Permit

A young man had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B- average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car. Again they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed seeing as you haven't got your hair cut." The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Sampson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus Himself had long hair." To which his father replied, "Yes, but they WALKED everywhere they went!"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Keep this thread alive

Scottish Farmer
The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the recently mown field of a Scottish farmer to make a few adjustments to his engine. While he was tinkering with his machine, he noticed the Scotsman and his wife watching with a great deal of curiosity. The Scotsman asked the pilot how much he would charge to give both he and his wife a ride.
'Well', said the pilot, 'Normally I charge $50 dollars each, but if you are both completely quiet throughout the flight, the ride will be free of charge. If I hear the least amount of noise, you will owe the full fare.'
The couple quickly climbed aboard, and the pilot taxied and took off. Immediately, he proceeded to put his plane through all of its paces: barrel rolls, stalls, spins, split S maneuvers, you name it and he did it. The couple in back were completely silent throughout the thirty minute flight.
Upon landing, the pilot said, 'I really have to hand it to you for keeping quiet through all that!'
'Aye', said the Scotsman, 'but I'll admit, ye almost heard me when the wife fell out. But hundred dollars is hundred dollars'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Where is dad?
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. 'Hey, Willis,' he called out, 'forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon.'
'That's very nice of you,' Willis answered, 'but I don't think Dad would like me to.'
'Aw, come on, son!' the farmer insisted.
'Well, OK,' the boy finally agreed, 'but Dad won't like it.'
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. 'I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset.'
'Don't be silly!' said the neighbor. 'By the way, where is he?'
'Under the wagon,' replied Willis.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

St. Peter and the sinners

Bill, Frank, and Rod were waiting for entrance into Heaven. St. Peter walked up to Bill and asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife, and remember, I will know the truth." Bill thought for a moment and replied, "Well, sir, it must be around 40 times."
"Fine," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven but you will be driving that little yellow Honda over there."
St. Peter approached Frank and asked the same question. Frank answered, "Sir, I do believe it couldn't have been more than 20 times.
"Good," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven, also, and you will be driving the red Corvette.
St. Peter stepped up to Rod and repeated the question. Without pause, Rod answered, "Never!" St. Peter peered at him quizzically and said, "Never?" "I have never been unfaithful to my wife, sir" he replied. "Excellent," stated St. Peter. "You may enter Heaven and you will be driving that gold Rolls Royce."
Grinning from ear to ear, Rod approaches the car, but when he reaches the car, he suddenly lays his head on the roof and begins to cry. St. Peter rushes over and asks, "What's the matter? You have never cheated on your wife, you've gained entrance into Heaven, and you will be driving a Rolls Royce for the rest of eternity."
Rod replied between sobs, "See that woman over there on the skateboard? That's my wife!"

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Ike and Mike were the best of friends. They lived on the same street, played in the same school and little-league baseball teams, liked the same shows, and knew the same people. They shared food when their families ate together. They even shared clothes sometimes. But Ike was wicked while Mike was reverent. Mike tried to reform his friend but could not.

As they grew, they double-dated a lot. Once, after a double-date, Ike was driving Mike home in his brand-new sports car, more than slightly tipsy, and left the road. Both boys died instantly.

Mike went to heaven. He was greeted by St. Peter, who offered him a choice of going to heaven or hell. Mike chose heaven. St. Peter said, "Here is your robe, your halo, your wings, and a nice cloud you can ride. But do you see that red wall over there? Never ever cross it. That is the boundary to hell."

Mike rode around for a few days before he saw Ike across the wall. Almost at once he drove his cloud to see St. Peter. He explained, "When I drove near the red wall, I could see across to the hellish highway. My friend Ike was there in a beautiful Corvette Convertible with a blond in the front seat and a keg of beer in the back. Here, I've got this little cloud. Why does he get all the fun?"

St. Peter replied, "Remember that in hell, things are not as they seem. You see, the keg of beer has a hole in the bottom and the blonde doesn't."

 

[Keith Nichols]

There are 10 kinds of people..........

Those that can read binary....


....and those that can't!

Boom Boom!


One for the geeks. I haven't read all 81 pages so apologies if this has already been posted.

 

[Keith Nichols]

Bob Monkhouse was asked how he would like to die.

After a few moments thought, he replied that he would like to die peacefully, in his sleep, just as his father had, not screaming in fear like his passengers.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

OK, a Cajun joke:

Boudreaux saw Alcide at the park. He say, "Hey, did you see that offer at Thibault's Gas Station? It says 'Chance of Free Sex' with 10 gallon gas purchase."

Alcide replied, "Yes, I saw it. I drove over there, filled up my tank, and asked Thibault about it. He said, 'OK, pick a number.' I said '8.' He said, 'No, that's not it, but thanks for playing.' Do you think he really is offering free sex or is that just advertising?"

Boudreaux said, "I've never guessed the number either, but you know Justain's pretty new wife? He told me she's won four times already."

 

[Matt Greatorex]

A guy takes his daughter's rabbit to the vet, as it's not well.

The vet looks at it very briefly, from across the room, announces it's dead, and asks for $25.

The guy can't bear the thought of going back to his daughter to break the news, so he asks if the vet would mind looking more closely.

The vet sighs, clearly irritated, and goes over to the door. Opening it, he leads in a black labrador. He then goes back out and brings in a tabby cat in a carrying case.

As the man looks on, puzzled, the dog walks around the rabbit, sniffs it twice and barks, before leaving the room. The tabby looks at the rabbit intently and starts to hiss.

"There you go", says the vet, "As I said - dead. That'll be $300, please".

"$300!" splutters the customer, "two minutes ago you said $25"

"Ah yes", replies the vet, "but that was before the lab test and the cat scan"

 

[TastyWheat]

A man walks up to his house and sees a snail crawling on his walkway. The man picks up the snail and chucks him over his house. Three years later the man is walking up to his house and sees the same snail on his walkway. The snail looks up and says, "What the fuck did you do that for?"

 

[Matt Greatorex]

A billionaire suddenly discovers religion and sets about buying up all the artifacts he can find. He realises that the one thing that would make his life complete would be to received just a few words from the Pope.

He flies to Rome, puts on his finest clothes and jewellery and goes down to the Vatican on a day when he knows his holiness will be walking amongst the people.

After a few hours' wait, the Pope himself walks out of the building and comes straight towards him. The man is more excited than he's ever been and can't think of what to say.

Suddenly, the Pope spies a tramp sitting on the edge of the square. Making his way over to him, he bends over and whispers something in his ear. Immediately after this, his eminence walks straight to the popemobile and gets in.

As he drives away, the billionaire is perplexed. "I've made a real effort", he says to himself, "only for me to be ignored and for that beggar to get to speak to him". He quickly hatches a plan.

Approaching the tramp, he offers him $10,000 and his expensive suit for the tramps clothes. The beggar jumps at the offer, so the billionaire changes into his outfit and sits down where the tramp was sitting.

An hour or two later, the car returns and the Pope gets out. Sure enough, he makes straight for the billionaire, who can barely contain himself.

Once he gets next to him, the Pope leans down and whispers "Didn't I tell you to f*ck off? You're making the place look untidy"

 

[Bodisathva]

Poly Sci for Dummies

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Family problems

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.

One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said:
"You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."

"A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.
We got married and got myself a stepdaughter.
Later, my father married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother.
And my father became my stepson.
Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law".

"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.
This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son.
But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's
grand-son.
That made me the grand-father of my half-brother."

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a Baby. Now the half-sister of
my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother.
This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is
my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own
child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!"

"And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Holy matrimony

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson: "But I want you to."

Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
----------------------------------------------------
How have times changed?
In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.

Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Ideal Husband

Ideal Husband!

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Moishe."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my
coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to
Moishe every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on
the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"
Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's
birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork
to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy ehh?"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them."
Passenger: Mmm, not many like that around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and
never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was
always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his widow." .

 

[Jacob Mathai]

career ambitions

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

 

[Oldsoftboss]

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Sure he doesn't write the help files?