What's your best/worst joke?
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Bart Fishermans
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This is a great joke but can someone explain this last bit?Bodisathva said:
selenau837
Can still see y'all......
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Billy Bob--Isn't this a years anniversery of your Aunts death.
Betty Sue-- yes Billy
Billy Bob-- So what did she die of?
Betty Sue-- I don't remember but it wasn't anything serious.
Betty Sue-- yes Billy
Billy Bob-- So what did she die of?
Betty Sue-- I don't remember but it wasn't anything serious.
KenHigg
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She and spotted a man ina boat below and lowered her altitude, then shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100
degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"Yes, I am." replied the man, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100
degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"Yes, I am." replied the man, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
Tasslehoff
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Thread is dying
Alright, I got this one from that Kevin Bacon movie about an invisible guy.
So Superman's flying above downtown Metropolis, hornier than he had ever been before. Then he notices something very interesting on one of the rooftops below him: Wonder Woman sunbathing, completely naked! So Superman thinks to himself "Oh man if only I could...Wait a minute! I'm Superman--I've got super-speed. I can just swoop down, do my business, and be off before she knew what happened!" So Superman swoops down, does his business, and flies off very much relieved.
Then Wonder Woman sits up and says "What the hell was that!?"
And the Invisible Man on top of her says "I don't know, but my ass hurts like you wouldn't believe!"
__________________________________________
When faced with something that cannot be overcome, the proper thing to say is: "It's like a sore dick; you can't beat it."
__________________________________________
Okay, this is the worst joke I have ever told...but people laugh at it nonetheless. Apologies beforehand.
"A schoolbus full of children drives over a cliff...that's the joke"
Told you! But this thread did ask for the worst joke I had...
Alright, I got this one from that Kevin Bacon movie about an invisible guy.
So Superman's flying above downtown Metropolis, hornier than he had ever been before. Then he notices something very interesting on one of the rooftops below him: Wonder Woman sunbathing, completely naked! So Superman thinks to himself "Oh man if only I could...Wait a minute! I'm Superman--I've got super-speed. I can just swoop down, do my business, and be off before she knew what happened!" So Superman swoops down, does his business, and flies off very much relieved.
Then Wonder Woman sits up and says "What the hell was that!?"
And the Invisible Man on top of her says "I don't know, but my ass hurts like you wouldn't believe!"
__________________________________________
When faced with something that cannot be overcome, the proper thing to say is: "It's like a sore dick; you can't beat it."
__________________________________________
Okay, this is the worst joke I have ever told...but people laugh at it nonetheless. Apologies beforehand.
"A schoolbus full of children drives over a cliff...that's the joke"
Told you! But this thread did ask for the worst joke I had...
Tasslehoff
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Another one
From my favorite Farside comic:
An angry clown walks into a gun store. As he's looking over the merchandise, he think's to himself, "Laugh at me, will they?"
______________________________________
From a play I performed in high school:
BEN is pushing TOM on a medcart
TOM: Watch out for the corner! Watch out for the corner!
BEN: I see it, Tom! I see it!
TOM: Oh Lord, it's not the best idea to be riding around on a med-cart through the psyche ward! They're not friendly in the psych ward.
BEN: Tom, we live in the psych ward.
TOM: No! I live at 680 Lakefront Street with my lovely, beautiful wife. May she roast in hell!
BEN: Then what are you doing here?
TOM: Just a small stay. I'm not crazy, just readjusting.
BEN: If your not crazy, why are you riding around on a medcart with a maniac pushing you?
TOM: Well, it's boring here. Watch out! Fat nurse ahead! Hard right! HARD RIGHT!
They narrowly miss the nurse
BEN: This is beggining to bore me. This is the third moving vehicle we have commandeered this week!
TOM: You're right, we need a new endeavor. Stop!
They stop and get off
TOM: I know! Let's ask Professor Plum
Becomes Professor Plum
They say war is the pastime of kings
Changes back to Tom
TOM: That's Brilliant! Brilliant!
BEN: Oh yes, bloody briliant...
TOM: What was that?
BEN: Nothing
TOM: Very well then, Let us fight a war!
BEN: A great war!
TOM: The war to end all wars! And it shall be right here, in the psych ward.
BEN: Tally-Ho!
They jump back on the medcart and pick up speed
TOM: Watch out, your gonna hit Mr. Morgenson! AAAHHH!
BEN: Hit the brakes!!!
TOM: Alright I admit it, I killed the President! Just please God, don't kill me!
They stop right in front of Mr. Morgenson, who has wet himself
TOM: (looking up) What's that doctor?
BEN: Sedatives?
TOM: Oh...that sounds nice.
BEN: See Tom, here in the psych ward, you're always taken care of.
...wow. All that from memory...
From my favorite Farside comic:
An angry clown walks into a gun store. As he's looking over the merchandise, he think's to himself, "Laugh at me, will they?"
______________________________________
From a play I performed in high school:
BEN is pushing TOM on a medcart
TOM: Watch out for the corner! Watch out for the corner!
BEN: I see it, Tom! I see it!
TOM: Oh Lord, it's not the best idea to be riding around on a med-cart through the psyche ward! They're not friendly in the psych ward.
BEN: Tom, we live in the psych ward.
TOM: No! I live at 680 Lakefront Street with my lovely, beautiful wife. May she roast in hell!
BEN: Then what are you doing here?
TOM: Just a small stay. I'm not crazy, just readjusting.
BEN: If your not crazy, why are you riding around on a medcart with a maniac pushing you?
TOM: Well, it's boring here. Watch out! Fat nurse ahead! Hard right! HARD RIGHT!
They narrowly miss the nurse
BEN: This is beggining to bore me. This is the third moving vehicle we have commandeered this week!
TOM: You're right, we need a new endeavor. Stop!
They stop and get off
TOM: I know! Let's ask Professor Plum
Becomes Professor Plum
They say war is the pastime of kings
Changes back to Tom
TOM: That's Brilliant! Brilliant!
BEN: Oh yes, bloody briliant...
TOM: What was that?
BEN: Nothing
TOM: Very well then, Let us fight a war!
BEN: A great war!
TOM: The war to end all wars! And it shall be right here, in the psych ward.
BEN: Tally-Ho!
They jump back on the medcart and pick up speed
TOM: Watch out, your gonna hit Mr. Morgenson! AAAHHH!
BEN: Hit the brakes!!!
TOM: Alright I admit it, I killed the President! Just please God, don't kill me!
They stop right in front of Mr. Morgenson, who has wet himself
TOM: (looking up) What's that doctor?
BEN: Sedatives?
TOM: Oh...that sounds nice.
BEN: See Tom, here in the psych ward, you're always taken care of.
...wow. All that from memory...
I'd just like to say that I am one of the proud/sad people who have read every single joke on this thread!
You'd be surprised how many are doubles really, or male/female turnarounds of previous jokes.
Keep it going!!!
You'd be surprised how many are doubles really, or male/female turnarounds of previous jokes.
Keep it going!!!
Tasslehoff
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Meetings: None of us is as dumb as all of us
Not much, but this is a great thread and I want it to keep going.
Not much, but this is a great thread and I want it to keep going.
RickDB
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Kraj said:
Not only did Dick Cheany shoot someone this year. He shot someone in the FACE, with a shotgun. Oh yeah, did I mention this someone was Dick Cheany's friend!?
Oh yeah, one more thing... the guy was 78 years old!!!
(I got a friend a birthday card earlier this year that had a picture of Dick in Elmer Fud gear - hat, whole nine yards - underneath it said Happy Birthday, inside: "Hope it's a blast!" - I know it's corny, but with the picture and all, I had to get it)
Hilarity ensues after clicking this link
(you have to watch the on the scene report with Ed Helms that starts 1/2 way through):http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EaBnnIx8x8&search=jon stewart dick cheney
The guy is recovering well, I know someone being hurt is never something to laugh at, but wow. Just.... wow.
carlnewboult
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Whats white and cannot climb trees..............................
A fridge !
A fridge !
An old lady in a nursing home wadles up the corridoor and flips open her dress gown at one of the "old boys" and rattles "Supersex"
well this old boy he's getting on for about 95 or so and the old ladie is about the same age, so he ponders for a while and then he churps "I've have the soup"
(say it out loud works a treat)
well this old boy he's getting on for about 95 or so and the old ladie is about the same age, so he ponders for a while and then he churps "I've have the soup"
(say it out loud works a treat)
Jacob Mathai
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Beer drinking
Yesterday, after extensive testing, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones... yes, it's true.
To prove their theory, the scientists had 100 men consume 12 bottles of beer.
They then observed that 100% of them:
1: Gained weight.
2: Talked excessively without making sense.
3: Became emotional.
4: Called home just to see if anyone called.
5: Couldn't drive.
6: Went to the bathroom in groups.
7: Rearranged the furniture for no apparent reason.
No further testing is planned.
Yesterday, after extensive testing, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones... yes, it's true.
To prove their theory, the scientists had 100 men consume 12 bottles of beer.
They then observed that 100% of them:
1: Gained weight.
2: Talked excessively without making sense.
3: Became emotional.
4: Called home just to see if anyone called.
5: Couldn't drive.
6: Went to the bathroom in groups.
7: Rearranged the furniture for no apparent reason.
No further testing is planned.
Jacob Mathai
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The oldest profession in the world.
A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.
The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.
The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
Jacob Mathai
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Vip
While the Pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the Pope's authority. So the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back. They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."
Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."
The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."
This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the Pope as his chauffeur."
While the Pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the Pope's authority. So the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back. They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."
Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."
The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."
This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the Pope as his chauffeur."
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