What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

KKilfoil

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As long as we're doing bad elephant jokes...


How do you get four elephants in a little red mini?
Two in the front, two in the back

How can you tell if an elephants been in the fridge?
There's a set of footprints in the butter

How can you tell two elephants have been in the fridge?
There's two sets of footprints in the butter

How can you tell three elephants have been in the fridge?
There's three sets of footprints in the butter

How can you tell four elephants have been in the fridge?
There's a little red mini parked in the kitchen
 

TessB

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Ah... elephant jokes.... LOL
Been forever since I've heard elephant jokes.

Here's mine.

How do you kill a pink elephant?
Shoot him with a pink elephant gun.

How do you kill a blue elephant?
Shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a white elephant?
Hold his nose until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
 

KKilfoil

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Ah... elephant jokes.... LOL
Been forever since I've heard elephant jokes.

Here's mine.

How do you kill a pink elephant?
Shoot him with a pink elephant gun.

How do you kill a blue elephant?
Shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a white elephant?
Hold his nose until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a yellow elephant?
Tell him dirty elephant jokes until he turns pink, then shoot him with a pink elephant gun.
 

RexesOperator

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From the internet: Inventions that never got a patent:

1.Tricycle kickstand
2.Solar flashlight
3.Fire proof matches
4.Inflatable dartboard
5.Glass hammer
6.Black light bulb
7.Boomerang grenade
 

Jacob Mathai

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Rajiv and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to
celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
"Ladies
and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have
ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to
land on the beach.
However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to
live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the
island.An hour later Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we mail our
Home equity loan monthly payment?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we
pay our Master card account ?"
"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.

"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto
loan to them too this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Rajiv," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either."

Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years. Mona pulls
away and asks him, "So, why did you hug me?"
Rajiv answers, "They'll find us!"
 

Fifty2One

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two budgies are sitting on a perch and one says to the other "i smell fish"
 

Bodisathva

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What is a budgy? ...A lesbian?
:eek: Now that's funny!



I'm guessing:
budgerigar: small Australian parakeet usually light green with black and yellow markings in the wild but bred in many colors​
 

Tay

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I too thought that a budgie must be another word for a lesbian... I have since got the joke:eek: - for those who are a bit slow like me, a perch is a fish...
 

The_Doc_Man

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Jacob:

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Because the ambulance drivers don't get tips?

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
That's actually a conspiracy by the Ambulance drivers to drum up more business

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

I rarely order a double and I usually get the onion rings rather than the fries. One has to draw the line SOMEtimes.

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Matter of self-defense. After all, the pen is mightier than the sword. Don't want it misused, you know

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

If we put the useless stuff and junk in boxes in the driveway, how would we get the car out of the garage?

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

But of course, if you also have caller ID, you get to watch the frustrated unwanted caller wait for a long time...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed that...
 

KKilfoil

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Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed that...

I buy WEINERS in a package of 10. I buy buns in packages of 8. On average, 7 of the WEINERS go into the buns to make hot dogs, and three of the WEINERS are eaten, sans bun, by my son who doesn't like the bun. I actually have EXTRA BUNS. Do you think that they sell packages of SEVEN buns?
 

Tay

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Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed that...

Here, the burgers come in packs of ten, rolls in packs of 6, and cheese slices in packs of 12.

The most interesting part is that the cheese slices are square, the rolls are circular, yet the burgers are oval.

France is a strange country...
 

Pauldohert

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Here, the burgers come in packs of ten, rolls in packs of 6, and cheese slices in packs of 12.

The most interesting part is that the cheese slices are square, the rolls are circular, yet the burgers are oval.

France is a strange country...

Sounds like you and your 59 guests will be having a big spinal tap moment!
 
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The_Doc_Man

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Go to Wendy's some time. There, the cheese and burgers are square but the buns are round. Just to be different, I guess...
 

Jacob Mathai

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Fishermen caught a monstrous creature in the river Thames. They made sausage from the meat of this creature. The London Times had a big headline: "It was the beast of Thames, it was the wurst of Thames."
 

RexesOperator

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These are certainly not original, and I do not pretend to lay claim to any of them, but:

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it time to present the present.

7. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. To help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

16. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

17. A seamstress and a sewer fell down the sewer.

18. After a number of injections, my jaw got number.

19. Seeing a tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

STRANGE THAT...

a) there is no egg in an eggplant, nor ham in a hamburger, and neither an apple nor a pine in a pineapple;

b) English muffins weren't invented in England;

c) French fries weren't invented in France;

d) sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads - which aren't sweet, are meat;

e) quicksand can work slowly;

f) boxing rings are square;

g) a Guinea Pig is neither from Guinea nor a pig;

h) writers write but fingers don't 'fing', grocers don't 'groce' and hammers don't 'ham';

i) the plural of tooth is teeth, but the plural of booth isn't 'beeth';

j) more than one goose is 'geese', but more than one moose isn't 'meese';

k) you can make amends but not one 'amend' (stick that in your indices - but not in your indexes);

l) if you take a bunch of odds and ends and remove all but one, what is that called?

m) though we know what a vegetarian eats (vegetables), we don't know what to offer an humanitarian?

n) people recite at a play and play at a recital;

o) goods are shipped by truck but a cargo is sent by ship;

p) noses run and feet smell;

q) slim chance and fat chance mean the same, while a wise man and a wise guy mean the opposite;

r) a house burns up as it burns down (and gets 'razed' to the ground);

s) one fills in a form by filling it out;

t) an alarm goes off by going on;

u) when the stars are out, they are visible; when the lights are out, they are invisible;

v) Buick doesn't rhyme with quick?

w) it's good if a vacuum sucks;

x) the third hand on a watch is called the 'second' hand';

y) if a word is misspelt in a dictionary, we will never know;

z) 'slow down' and 'slow up' means the same;

i) tug boats actually push;

ii) The song 'Take me out to the Ball Game' is sung when the punters are already in their seats - at the ball game;

iii) the 'stands' are made for sitting;

iv) 'after dark' means 'after light';

v) when told to 'expect the unexpected', we then expect the unexpected;

vi) 'phonics' is not pronounced the way it sounds;

vii) 'All the world is a stage'. So where is the audience sitting?

viii) 'bra' is singular and 'knickers' (a.k.a. panties) plural;

ix) suits go into garment bags; garments go into a suitcase;

x) we wash bath towels, when we are supposedly clean when using them;

xi) glue doesn't stick to the inside of the tube;

xii) teachers taught, but no preacher 'praught';

xiii) the weather can be hot as hell one day, and cold as hell the next;

xiv) we park on driveways and drive on parkways;

xv) I've never seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown, nor met a sung hero or experienced requited love;

xvi) and I've never met someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable;

xvii) 'abbreviated' is such a long word (and so are these roman numerals).
 

KalelGmoon

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Go to Wendy's some time. There, the cheese and burgers are square but the buns are round. Just to be different, I guess...

I knew a guy who worked at Wendy's' once, and he told me the reason that Wendy's' burgers are square is to show that Wendy's' doesn't cut corner
 

KKilfoil

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I knew a guy who worked at Wendy's' once, and he told me the reason that Wendy's' burgers are square is to show that Wendy's' doesn't cut corner
Psychologically, a square patty looks 'larger' than a round one, for the same amount of meat. Also, having the corners of the patty poking out at you increases the impression that you are getting more meat.
 

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