What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

[KKilfoil]

What you will learn in engineering:

* You can study hard and still fail

* You can not study and pass

* Multiple choice does not mean easy

* There are no trains here

* Six exams can be written in 4 days, but it hurts

* You can skip all the classes, study for 15 minutes before the final and still do better than an arts student in any arts class

* Pi to six decimal places

* Judging by my fellow students, engineers are either drunks or geeks

* Everyone is someone else's weirdo * Front Row people are weird

* Those who can, do, those who can't, teach

* A 95.75% can be an A

* An 80.1% can be an A+

* You can kill your neighbors with a 9 volt battery

 

[fmm]

What's brown and sticky?









A stick!

 

[Ron_dK]

What's brown and sticky?

or
a stand up bass that hasn't been washed for the past 5 years ?

 

[Golfer]

A Golfing joke !

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball,
a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency,
here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up
to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's
$20.
Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head
to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,

"Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a
bit."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

another scottish joke

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity.
On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

 

[Jacob Mathai]

More scottish jokes

A very popular scotsman dies in glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says
"I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Jack must be a popular Scottish name

Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.
He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest,
"Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.

 

[Oldsoftboss]

My wife never throws anything out. She still has the box here virginity came in !

 

[Jacob Mathai]

more scottish jokes

A Glaswegian stops before a graveyard in a Gorbals cemetery, and notices a carved tombstone declaring,
"Here lies a lawyer and an honest man..."
"Ach, who'd ever think..." he murmered, "there'd be enough room fer two men in that one wee grave..."
------------------------------------------------------------

How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob?
Nae bother - just take up a collection.

------------------------------------------------------------

3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

An Englishman and an Irishman are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12-year-old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irishman, who exclaims,''May the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, who replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''

 

[KenHigg]

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to
get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the
E.R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said,
"I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with
shock !!! "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"

 

[Bodisathva]

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time
considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.

These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com
   
   
2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
   
   
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
   
   
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
   
   
5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com
   
   
6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com
   
   
7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com
   
   
8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com
   
   
9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com

 

[Jacob Mathai]

JOKES:

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead
giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your
count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Olympics

Olympics

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate.

Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea.

Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site.

When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in.

Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Travel in Canada

A couple from Montana decided to go to Canada for their holidays one summer. They drove north across the border, stopped at a dinosaur park, then continued northeast. After driving for a couple of days, they realized they were lost. They found a small city, and pulled over to ask a pedestrian for directions.
"Hey buddy, can you tell us where we are?"
The pedestrian smiled, said "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan", and went on his way.
The driver turned to his wife and said "Well, we still don't know where we are. He doesn't even speak English."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Proof: man needs a wife

Proof : man needs a wife

 

[GohDiamond]

Are you clever?

Sam's Mother had 3 children. One named Joseph Androclese, another named Samantha Kristeen, What was the third child's name?

 

[KKilfoil]

Sam's Mother had 3 children. One named Joseph Androclese, another named Samantha Kristeen, What was the third child's name?

How about 'Sam'

 

[KenHigg]

.
..

Sam?

 

[KalelGmoon]

Sam could also be short for Samantha, so it could be anything really