What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[Rich]

Three couples having breakfast at a communal table in a posh hotel.

The American said to his wife, will you pass the honey, honey.

A few minutes later the Scouser said to his wife, will you pass the sugar, sugar.

Finally, after a lot of thought the Aussie not to be outdone, said to his wife, will you pass the milk, you old cow!

 

[Rich]

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.
Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc took a deep breath and then opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.


The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........

'I'll try it -



Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

 

[Rich]

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'
>
>The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 pounds a week unemployment pay.
>
>Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
>
>Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave
Mick 160 pounds a week.
>
>When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
>
>The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
>
>'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

 

[Rich]

You've just got to love kids!
> >>>
> >>> This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old
> >>> is.
> >>> They think so logically.
> >>>
> >>> A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
> >>> She came
> >>> to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the
> >>> building
> >>> materials for his home.
> >>> She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
> >>> full of straw
> >>> and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my
> >>> house?'
> >>>
> >>> The teacher paused then asked the class:
> >>> 'And what do you think the man said?'
> >>>
> >>> One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I
> >>> think the man would have said -
> >>> 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!'

> >>>
> >>> The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

 

[Call_Me_Sam]

This is a true story taken from a paper in the USA:

LAWYERS SHOULD NEVER ASK A MISSISSIPPI GRANDMA A QUESTION IF THEY AREN'T PREPARED FOR THE ANSWER.

In a Trial, a souther small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me ? She responded, 'Why yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frakly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. you think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes I know you'.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the Defence Attorney'.

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drink problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him'.

The Defence Attorney nearly died.

The Judge asked both Counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said:

"IF EITHER OF YOU IDIOTS ASKS HER IF SHE KNOWS M, I'LL SEND YOU BOTH TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR"

 

[Call_Me_Sam]

blonde ones are the best ones

An attractive blonde arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching

 

[Call_Me_Sam]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.
Maybe it would
take a few inches off of your butt!!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't
simply ignore such a
comment.
The next morning the husband took a pair of his underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little
"dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a knowing laugh:.... "It's not talcum powder....... it's
'Miracle Grow'"

 

[Call_Me_Sam]

Lesser known golfing terms

A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

A Cuban - needs one more revolution

An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

A Kate Winslett - little bit fat but otherwise perfect

A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional

A Glen Miller - kept low but didn't make it over the water

An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result

A Russell Grant - a fat iron

A Rodney King - over-clubbed

An O.J. Simpson - got away with it

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

A Robin Cook - just died on the hill

A Michael Jackson - gradually fading

A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn't have the legs

A Ken Livingstone - quite far left

A Jean-Marie LePen - a long way right

A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

A Mrs Patel - ugly, but a good worker

A condom - safe but didn't feel real good

A circus tent - a BIG top

An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result

A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it

A Cathy freeman - ugly,but runs like F**k

A Liz McColgan - Ugly but runs forever

A Brazilian - Shaves both sides of the hole

 

[Golfer]

Another Golfing term prevelant in these here parts -

A Sally Gunnell - Ugly but a good runner !

 

[Xoote]

lol funny thread

 

[Golfer]

One fine sunny morning, a priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the famous wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass, you wicked witch!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & warmth and with a good nights sleep I would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,

"And that, my lord, is the case for the Defense....... "

 

[Alane]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me
Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for
her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the
new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing
up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.



The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2
men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is
so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory
floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle
Me Elmo's She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but
I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

 

[oumahexi]

Glasgow humour

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies
'Aye, same as masel...

 

[wazz]

a Tassie is someone from tasmania. insert your "special region" of choice.

Tassie mum writing to her son:

Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slow - because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20kms from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Tasmanian family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though; last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a Ute. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mum

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

 

[scott-atkinson]

The Journey of Man

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided
I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now and am looking for a girl with big tits.

 

[sandy6078]

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. "Owch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down. Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

 

[namliam]

a Tassie is someone from tasmania. insert your "special region" of choice.

The Journey of Man

A Jewish man

Guess there is no accounting for humor is there??

 

[Oldsoftboss]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

 

[Oldsoftboss]

..... NEWS FLASH .....

The American dare devil rider, Klu Klux Knievel has failed in his world record attempt to jump over 200 n****** on his steam roller.

 

[Rich]

Good laugh but, oh shit!