What's your best/worst joke?

A cop stops a drunkard and asks him:

cop: Where are you going?

Drunkard: I'm going to listen to the lecture about the harm of the drunkenness and alcoholism.

cop: At night? And who will give a lecture?

Drunkard: My wife and mother-in-law!
 
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
 
Boudreaux the young farmer was less than two weeks away from marrying his darling Cherie, who had long ago made the "purity" pledge and was still a virgin. He was working hard to get the farm in shape.

One day while working on getting a bull's semen so he could artificially inseminate a few of his cows, he was careless. The bull kicked him right in the private parts. When he finally regained consciousness, he examined the damage and noted a decided curve where none had been before.

He made it to his doctor, explained the problem, and said, "I got to be ready for my sweet Cherie. Is there any way to straighten out this problem, Doc?"

The doctor took a soft-tissue X-ray and decided in fact there was a way. With a deft touch, some wooden tongue depressors, cotton, and surgical tape, he built a splint. He said, "Keep that in place until the day of your wedding. I think it will be OK by then."

Boudreaux did exactly as told. The day of the wedding, he felt great but decided to leave the splint in place as long as he could. The reception was great. Finally, he and Cherie reached the motel in Ville Platte, LA, where they would honeymoon.

Cherie took off her clothes for her new husband and said, "See these breasts? They've never been touched."

Boudreaux took off his shorts and replied, "See this? It's still in the original crate."
 
This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
> >>> A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> There is a moral to this story......
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
> >>>
> >>> The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'Gosh...if I go down three inches
> >>>
> >>> I will feel the mist
> >>>
> >>> From the water and I will be refreshed.'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> There was a fish in the water thinking,
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
> >>>
> >>> There was a bear on the shore thinking,
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
> >>>
> >>> That fish will jump for the fly...
> >>>
> >>> And I will grab the fish!!'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
> >>>
> >>> Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
> >>>
> >>> 'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
> >>>
> >>> And that fish leaps for it...
> >>>
> >>> That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
> >>>
> >>> I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> Now, you probably think this is
> >>>
> >>> Enough activity on one river bank,
> >>>
> >>> But I can tell you there's more....
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
> >>>
> >>> And that fish jumps for that fly..
> >>>
> >>> And that bear grabs for that fish..
> >>>
> >>> The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
> >>>
> >>> And drop his cheese sandwich.'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
> >>>
> >>> (as was fashionable to do on the banks of
> >>>
> >>> This particular river around lunch time)
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
> >>>
> >>> And that fish jumps for that fly
> >>>
> >>> And that bear grabs for that fish
> >>>
> >>> And that hunter shoots that bear..
> >>>
> >>> And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
> >>>
> >>> Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
> >>>
> >>> Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> The fish swallows the fly...
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> The bear grabs the fish..
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> The hunter shoots the bear..
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> The cat jumps for the mouse..
> >>>
> >>> The mouse ducks...
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> The cat falls into the water and drowns.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> NOW, The Moral Of The Story....
> >>>
> >>> Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> didn't see that one coming, did you?
 
> >>> Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
> >>> Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

I always heard it:

Whenever a fly drops three inches,
a pussy gets wet...

:eek:
 
Another story with a moral - well 3 morals actually.

Once on a cold winters day there was a little bird who was freezing to death when a cow came along and covered him with a large dollop of warm poo. The little bird quickly began to warm up and feel better so he stuck his head out of the pile and began to sing.

This attracted the attention of the farm cat who took him out of the pile, washed him carefully and then ate him up.

The three morals are

1. Not everyone who covers you in sh*t is your enemy

2. Not everyone who gets you out of the sh*t is your friend.

3. If you're in the sh*t and you're happy don't draw attention to yourself.
 
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid for Vice President.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a Post Turtle'".

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle".

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, and she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dummy put her up there to begin with".
 
Yeah, and the same joke existed 20 years ago. It really applies to anyone in power. :D
 
On a winding Louisiana back road used mostly as a short-cut to the highway, Boudreaux the preacher and his deacon Thibodeaux are standing in front of Boudreaux's church holding up a big sign that reads:

"The end is near. Turn yourself around before it is too late."

Another car passes them without even slowing down. Just after it disappears around the curve, they hear screeching tires and a loud splash.

Thibodeaux looks at Boudreaux and says, "That's the fifth one in the last half hour. I guess you were right. The sign really should say 'Danger - Bridge Out'."
 
A Good Bull

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’.

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, “He mated 50 times last year.”

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’.

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, “Wow! That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.”

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, ‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR’.

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, “That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.”

I looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.”



My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
 
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an ere ction.

The woman noticed his ere ction, came over to him and asked, 'Did you call for me?'


The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain.

It's a rule here that if you get an ere ction, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.

Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

'You must be new,' answered the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here 's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'

'Listen lady,' he replied, 'I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'
 
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Alberta. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.



Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope,' she replies.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'

To which Margaret replies........
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'


 
A Teacher is discussing with her grade 3 class about the fact that humans are the only creature on earth that stutters when nervous.

A little boy at the back of the class puts up his hand and says to the teacher.

"We use to have a cat that stuttered!"

The teacher was a little confused but interested and asked the boy to explain.

"Well, a little while ago we got some new neighbours, and they had a big Doberman. One day our cat was out in the backyard and the Doberman saw the cat and jumped right over the fence. The cat went 'Phhhh' 'Phhhh' but before it could say "holly f*ck" the Doberman ate him up."

(joke works really well when your telling it...not as good in text form. but you get the idea)
 
An Irishman called Paddy was taking his heavily pregnant wife Mary to the maternity unit at the local hospital to give birth.

When they arrived the receptionist asked "Is she dilated?"

To which Paddy replied "Oh to be sure, she's over the moon!"
 
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.



We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.


When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his fuc*ing forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond
 
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask
you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance & see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm
Catholic too!"
The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fullfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the
road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out.
"My dear child, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm
married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a
Halloween Party."
 
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me? To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.
 

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