funderburgh
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Two buzzards are sitting on a dead clown having a feast. One looks up to the other and asks "Does this taste a little funny to you"?
What's your best/worst joke?
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Rich
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I
almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put
$50
in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to
me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into
a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're
beautiful.'
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before,
so
she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he
said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now
'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
*******************************************************************
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put
$50
in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to
me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into
a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're
beautiful.'
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before,
so
she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he
said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now
'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
*******************************************************************
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose hand
was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation
with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat
away from being President.
The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle
was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, it's a post turtle."
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to
explain.
"You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there,
she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what
kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with."
was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation
with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat
away from being President.
The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle
was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, it's a post turtle."
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to
explain.
"You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there,
she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what
kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with."
Pauldohert
Something in here
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Rich
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George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell,
where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I
have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone
else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let
you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large
pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't
think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer,
time after time.
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony
if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on
the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said
'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'
where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I
have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone
else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let
you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large
pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't
think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer,
time after time.
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony
if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on
the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said
'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'
Rich
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Bus Load of Politicians!!
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians. A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'Were they all dead?' The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them bastards lie.'
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians. A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'Were they all dead?' The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them bastards lie.'
Rich
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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Jacob Mathai
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Mujibar is given a new name by his employer. His new name is Harry.
georgedwilkinson
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And on the next call, it's Bob.
Rich
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“Dear St Josephs School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at Grove Park, Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away.
I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces.
It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna”
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at Grove Park, Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away.
I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces.
It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna”
Oldsoftboss
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THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears With their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what
with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning . Uphill...barefoot...
BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, There was no way
in hell I was going to lay A bunch of crap like that on kids about how
hard I had it And how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of Thirty, I can't help but
look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my Childhood, you live in a
damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you Don't know how good you've
got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to
know something, We had to go to the damn library and Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write Somebody a letter, with
a pen!
.Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it ould take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to Steal music, you had
to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you Were on the phone
and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your
school, Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a
collections agent, you Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, sister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video Games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games Like
'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
Actually had to use your I mag ination!! And there were no multiple
levels or Screens, it was just one screen Forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting Harder and harder
and Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get
off Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there
was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons On Saturday
Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK For
cartoons, you spoiled Little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat Something up we
had to use the stove ... Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids Today have got it too
easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted Five minutes back in
1980!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears With their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what
with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning . Uphill...barefoot...
BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, There was no way
in hell I was going to lay A bunch of crap like that on kids about how
hard I had it And how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of Thirty, I can't help but
look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my Childhood, you live in a
damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you Don't know how good you've
got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to
know something, We had to go to the damn library and Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write Somebody a letter, with
a pen!
.Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it ould take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to Steal music, you had
to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you Were on the phone
and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your
school, Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a
collections agent, you Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, sister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video Games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games Like
'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
Actually had to use your I mag ination!! And there were no multiple
levels or Screens, it was just one screen Forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting Harder and harder
and Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get
off Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there
was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons On Saturday
Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK For
cartoons, you spoiled Little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat Something up we
had to use the stove ... Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids Today have got it too
easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted Five minutes back in
1980!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
Oldsoftboss
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Q. What's a mixed feeling ?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Oldsoftboss
AWF VIP
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- Oct 28, 2001
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The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Rich
Registered User.
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Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
>One
>> day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and
>> made them line up.
>> Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by!!!
>>
>> Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'
>>
>> Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that
>the
>> police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for
>> some.
>>
>>
>> 'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,
>> 'Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
>>
>> A policeman was going down the line asking for information from
>all
>> the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and
>> exclaimed, 'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old
>> girl?'!
>>
>> Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear, I just take my dentures out,
>> rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'
>>
>> The policeman fainted.
>>
>One
>> day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and
>> made them line up.
>> Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by!!!
>>
>> Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'
>>
>> Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that
>the
>> police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for
>> some.
>>
>>
>> 'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,
>> 'Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
>>
>> A policeman was going down the line asking for information from
>all
>> the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and
>> exclaimed, 'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old
>> girl?'!
>>
>> Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear, I just take my dentures out,
>> rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'
>>
>> The policeman fainted.
>>
ajetrumpet
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- Jun 22, 2007
- Messages
- 5,638
Best:
George Bush can run a country.
Worst:
I play the jugs with my girlfriend.
George Bush can run a country.
Worst:
I play the jugs with my girlfriend.
Jacob Mathai
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 05:22
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2001
- Messages
- 546
Money matters
A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers." "And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.
The Walton's invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.
Eight year old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."
"No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."
Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"
The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"
The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.
What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock? In the first case, you help finance your local community swimming pool. In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters home pool.
My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his!
A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.
A stockbroker is someone who invests your money till it's all gone!
It was so cold today I saw a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets.
A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!
I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained the broker's wife. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."
Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower
Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.
A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers." "And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.
The Walton's invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.
Eight year old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."
"No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."
Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"
The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"
The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.
What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock? In the first case, you help finance your local community swimming pool. In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters home pool.
My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his!
A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.
A stockbroker is someone who invests your money till it's all gone!
It was so cold today I saw a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets.
A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!
I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained the broker's wife. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."
Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower
Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.
Mixed feeling? No way! Screw that car!
Jacob Mathai
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 05:22
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2001
- Messages
- 546
Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.
A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."
"What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Wednesday."
------
A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just couldn't understand though why they were beating each other up for 25 cents.
Suprised, the boyfriend asked, what do you mean?
The blonde girlfriend replied, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.
A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."
"What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Wednesday."
------
A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just couldn't understand though why they were beating each other up for 25 cents.
Suprised, the boyfriend asked, what do you mean?
The blonde girlfriend replied, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
Rich
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 05:22
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2008
- Messages
- 2,898
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh.....
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires !!!
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh.....
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires !!!
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