What's your best/worst joke?

[MSAccessRookie]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary numbers, and those who don't.

My daughter has a T-Shirt that says that

 

[Rich]

A primary school teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see the Blarney Stone and I was fascinated.
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only “fasten eight”

The teacher sat down and cried.

 

[Fifty2One]

Didnt even know you were married, let alone type more than a single paragraph!

You forgot to add a smilie or two at the end.

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring for Christmas so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
f*uc*king red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

 

[Fifty2One]

Tout bonnement je me suis demandé ce que voulait dire, se donner à 100%. Et comment font ceux (ou celles) qui se vantent de se donner à PLUS de 100% ? Voici une explication scientifiquement prouvée qui peut donner à réfléchir...

Si l'on considère que:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Correspondent à :
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Alors faisons des comparatifs :
- T R A V A I L = 20+18+1+22+1+9+12 = 83%
- E N G A G E M E N T = 5+14+7+1+7+5+13+5+14+20 = 91%
- C O M P E T E N C E = 3+15+13+16+5+20+5+14+3+5 = 99%

On s'approche du résultat, n'est ce pas ? Alors continuons :
- A T T I T U D E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
- D I S C I P L I N E = 4+9+19+3+9+16+12+9+14+5 = 100%

Impressionnant, non ? Continuons donc :
- V A N T A R D I S E = 22+1+14+20+1+18+4+9+19+5 = 113%

Là, on vient de péter le 100% ! Voyons jusqu'où cela peut nous mener...
- LÉCHER LE CUL = 12+5+3+8+5+18+12+5+3+21+12 = 120%
- CIRER LES BOTTES = 3+9+18+5+18+12+5+19+16+15+13+16+5+19 = 133%
- SUCER LE BOSS = 19+21+3+18+12+5+2+15+19+19 = 173%

Alors la prochaine fois que quelqu'un vous dira :
Moi, dans mon travail, je me donne à plus de 100%

Vous saurez pourquoi

 

[Rich]

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven.....and unlocked my destiny."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old b@st@rd" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."

 

[Rabbie]

Didnt even know you were married, let alone type more than a single paragraph!

You forgot to add a smilie or two at the end.

Wonderful what can be done with cut and paste

 

[scott-atkinson]

To: All North Pole Staff
Date: December 12
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Company Policy


The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.


Happy Holidays all!!

 

[Fifty2One]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep. The man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says,"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket." The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we are married." The man happily says, "OK! AWESOME!" Then the woman says "GOOD..... Get your own blanket."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Efficiency Lecture

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..."

 

[pascaly]

Good advice?

A woman wakes up one morning and finds her ****** is whistling. She asks her husband what he thinks, not having a clue, he suggests she goes to the doctor
“I can’t go to the doctor like this!” she yells
“All right, just ring the doctor then” her husband replies.

So the woman rings the local clinic and is put through to a doctor. She holds the phone near her crotch and yells loudly, “What do you think this is?” The doctor listens for a moment and replies “Dunno, some c**t whistling?”

 

[scott-atkinson]

Immigrants Poem

Illegal Immigrants Poem

I cross ocean, poor and broke.
Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there.
Say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, 'You come no more, we send cash right to your door.'

Welfare cheques - they make you wealthy! NHS - it keep you healthy!

By and by, I get plenty money.
Thanks to you, you British dummy!

Write to friends in motherland.
Tell them 'come fast as you can.'

They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
And buy big house with welfare bucks!

They come here, we live together.
More welfare cheques, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in,
but neighbour's patience wearing thin.
Finally, British guy moves away.
Now I buy his house, then I say,

'Find more immigrants for house to rent.'
And in the yard I put a tent.

Everything is very good,
and soon we own the neighbourhood.

We have hobby, it's called breeding. Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wives need pills? We get free! We got no bills!
British crazy! They work all year, to keep the welfare running here.
We think UK darn good place.
Too darn good for British race!
If they no like us, they can scram. Got lots of room in Afghanistan !

 

[oumahexi]

Scottish Advent Calendar

 

[Rich]

An Old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig histomato garden,but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His onlyson, Vincent, whoused to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son anddescribed his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won'tbe able to plant mytomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to bedigging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried thebodies.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local policearrived and dug upthe entire area without finding any bodies. They apologisedto the old manand left. That same day the old man received another letterfrom his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best Icould do under thecircumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

 

[Rich]

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a
small town.

He's going through his usual run of off-colour and 'dumb blonde'
jokes, when a well-dressed blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her
chair and shouts: 'I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes,
you jerk!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What
connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental
worth asa human being?'

'It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being
respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full
potential,because you and your Neanderthal brethren continue to perpetuate negative
images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap
laughs.'

'You are a pathetic, misogynistic relic of the past, and what you do
is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it
is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic
respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you
pusillanimous little maggot.'
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde
yells:
'You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on
your knee.'

 

[Fifty2One]

Sing to me, O Muse, seductively sibilant strains, inspiring my spirit. I was going to sing you an epic poem rife with soft, alluring words, but Calliope withheld her inspiration. It would have been a masterpiece; it would be funny, engaging, charming, and sure to show my awesome intelligence. It would have clearly and convincingly demonstrated that I am interested in all the things that you are interested in, and that we disagree on little more than favorite gelato flavors (and even then, only in unimportant ways).

You'd have laughed at my witticisms about zombies and physics, been impressed with my deep and noteworthy thoughts on Tom Stoppard, Cormac McCarthy and my preference for Newton over Leibniz. My taste in video games would have nicely complemented [notice the correct usage, please] yours. You'd appreciate my allusions to internet dating articles about word choice and usage that craigslist won't let me link. You'd be struck instantly with the realization that I was the Mario to your Luigi, the Hall to your Oates, the Kevin Bacon to your Lori Singer.

I'd have included a picture. You'd have been smitten with me: my delicate crow's feet, angular but welcoming features, big brown eyes with just a tint of green, non-ironic pearl-snaps and well-heeled boots, mussed but close-cropped brown hair with natural highlights, the slightly off-center blemish on my rather large nose'compounding two minor imperfections, making me just imperfect enough to be approachable'distracting you from realizing that my five o'clock shadow and seemingly uncultivated eyebrows are, upon closer inspection, carefully manicured. You'd have realized that the attention I'd obviously paid to my looks arose not from solipsism or vanity, but from just a hint of insecurity from my slender yet well-defined frame.

You'd have reposted my ad on your facebook, linked it around on gchat. Your friends would be smitten, too. We'd trade a few emails to make sure the other was real. Eventually, one of us would work up the nerve to strike up a casual conversation over gchat (using our integrated AIM clients, a throwback to a more innocent day before Google had integrated everything, back when using the internet was a challenge, reserved for those select nerds with the wherewithal to master it). Or, it would appear to be casual; we'd be trying so very hard to make it casual'itself a form of poetry. We'd do that delicate dancing that two people do as they feel each other out, trying to discern if the other was interested without being too direct or tipping our own hand.

We'd trade ironic interests, trying to one up another's humor: you'd claim you were on a campaign to satisfy your irrational hatred of Stevia-based sweeteners, I'd claim to love cutting out other people's faces on family photos and putting my own in their places. We'd share a few humor links, but we'd both pretend that we were far funnier than those humor artists'that only we could properly appreciate the failings of those articles while simultaneously appreciating them for what they were.

Eventually we'd agree to get coffee at some place with a fair trade option for you and something just above Folger's for me. You'd walk in, and I'd be left breathless by how beautiful you were, even prettier than your pictures suggested. We'd greet in delicate, slightly lisping tones, and a spark would pass between us (and not just because I had been furiously rubbing the carpet in an attempt to generate static electricity just for that moment). We'd have a great time, hit it off, and do it again. We'd wait for just the right time to hook up'not because we were drunk, not because we were lonely, but because we couldn't wait any longer. The sex would likely be mediocre at best, but neither of us would even realize that. We'd be stunned at how right and comfortable everything felt, even those few days immediately after the first hook up where neither one of us is sure what the hell the other one thinks. It would have been so wonderful, ripped straight from a storybook (the very ones we had made so much fun of, just to show that we were the proper level of jaded. 'It only happens that way in Disney movies,' we'd have said). It'd be our little joke, amusing because it worked out so well.

But unfortunately Calliope withheld her inspiration.

 

[scott-atkinson]

What the F*ck was that.....

The Joke was that I read the whole F*cking thing....

 

[Rabbie]

what the f*ck was that.....

The joke was that i read the whole f*cking thing....

lol :d

 

[scott-atkinson]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through
Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official
asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to
declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is,
to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Important Lesson

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

 

[PaulJR]

When Insults Had Class!

There was a time when words were used beautifully. These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language was boiled down to four-letter words!

The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd take it."

Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "On whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second. if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up" - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. - "Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark T wain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx