What's your best/worst joke?

Joke Teller

The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.

When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?"

"My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow
 
The CEO of a large HMO dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter shows him to a lovely villa, wonderful music, great views, full staff of servants, gourmet meals, etc.

The CEO says, "This is terrific!"

"Don't get too comfortable," says St. Peter. "You're only approved for a three-day stay."
 
Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1973: Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2007: School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
---
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1973: Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2007: Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
---
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1973: Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2007: Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
---
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1973: Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007: Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
---
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
1973: Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007: Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
---
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college
2007:: Pedro's cause is taken up by state Democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.
---
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1973: Ants die. Johnny observes the flying dirt clods and realizes the power of explosives and is more careful from then on.
2007: Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. PETA throws "ant blood" on Johnny, and the resulting PTSD causes him to become a serial killer.
---
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1973: In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007: Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.
 
Parvinder and Habib are London beggars. They beg in different areas of
the West End .

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects 2 to 3 pounds
every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how
do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'.

Parvinder says, .... 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.'

Parvinder says ' No wonder you only get £2-3

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign......

It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Afghanistan '

:D:p
 
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack..

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.


Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
 
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to Piss Off!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!​
 
True enough, for the most part. Except when the family doctor lectures me and I know he's right.
 
I heard this on UK TV last night.

Songs not played on Haiti radio -

Good Vibrations - Beach Boys

We Gotta Get Out of This Place. - Animals

Road to Hell. - Chris Rea

Bridge over troubled water - Simon / Garfunkel
 
ColinEssex said:
I heard this on UK TV last night.

Songs not played on Haiti radio -

Good Vibrations - Beach Boys

We Gotta Get Out of This Place. - Animals

Road to Hell. - Chris Rea

Bridge over troubled water - Simon / Garfunkel
Click to expand...

LOL, ouch.
 
Oh, Colin... makes me cringe. Which, for that kind of "graveyard" humor, is high praise indeed.
 
Col
That type of humour always appears when there is a crisis , somepeople like it, some abhor it. Here as you may be aware Liverpool FC are playing terribly and going through a bad time, but Rafa, the manager, took the team to visit alder Hay the local chidren's hospital.
"It's good to be able to do something for others who are suffering, I hope that we gave them some encouragement" said Billy a six year old cancer patient.


Brian
 
Brianwarnock said:
"It's good to be able to do something for others who are suffering, I hope that we gave them some encouragement" said Billy a six year old cancer patient.
Click to expand...

That is excellent.

Even on £100,000 per week each, Liverpool players cannot cure their troubles - nor the little Billy's.

Is there hope for either?

Col
 
The South - You Gotta Love It!

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck."Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"


Georgia


The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."


Louisiana


A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying .. "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied, "He'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."


Mississippi


The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."


North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with t he flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."


Tennessee


A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"


Texas


The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep", he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."


You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North
 
Groundrush...

Why do I feel I just listened to a "Larry the Cable Guy" routine?

Particularly the "Got any ID" question...
 
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