A Question for Married Couples

[Kraj]

I have a relationship question that I've had a hard time finding someone I can talk to about. I thought this might be a good place to hear others' opinions, since I know there are many caring people here who have experience with the challenges of a long-term relationship.

Most people will agree that sexual compatibility is an important part of any lasting relationship. And beyond compatibility, that sometimes sexual contact is about emotional expression and connection. But it also appears that most people agree that after a few years sexual compatibility becomes less important and the key to a healthy relationship is compatibility on other levels. So here's my question:

What would you do if you're in a relationship where your compatibility is great on every level except sexually? Your relationship is fullfilling intellectually, socially, spiritually, and emotionally but sexually you just don't feel satisfied anymore. It's not that there is no more mutual desire, but that the sexual elements you need in order to feel fullfilled aren't there anymore. The emotional connection you used to feel through sex isn't there anymore, or worse - the feeling is there but it doesn't feel like it is reciprocated.

Would you feel like staying in the relationship is settling for less than you deserve? Or would you feel like it is simply a normal part of the relationship process and that the other fullfilling parts of the relationship are vastly more important? Would it bother you that you feel like you still have passion for your partner but they don't have it for you?

Obviously, I'm not speaking hypothetically here but I'm also trying to be vague enough to talk about the topic as it applies to any relationship.

 

[KenHigg]

Just how blunt can I be on this one? (I'm not talking extreme mind you )

 

[Kraj]

As blunt as you want to be. I need some good, honest advice.

 

[KenHigg]

Sounds like you may be placing too high a priority on sex. I would say lose the guy, find yourself a good woman, settle down and have a kid or two. I think you'd make a great dad. Put your priority there, not in sex with some other guy. Just because you've slept with a guy doesn't mean you've crossed some kind of point of no return. The physical thing peaks for most everyone. I'm guessing either you or your partners interest has either peaked in general terms or else they've peaked with each other. Always happens, then what do you have?

Hope I haven't come across too rash - And of course these are merely my opinions and I am not presenting them as some kind of high and mighty 'see it my way or else'...

 

[Brianwarnock]

Relationships go through peaks and troughs, but whilst many aspects gain strength over the years the sexual side never gets back to the "can't keep your hands off each other " days, but it can still be good again , even after 40 years.

brian

 

[The_Doc_Man]

If every other part of the relationship is good, you need to COMMUNICATE. Otherwise you would not have the problem you describe. And if you cannot communicate the nature of the problem, then your relationship isn't as good as you think it is.

 

[Kraj]

Hope I haven't come across too rash ...

Not at all, Ken. But I'm wondering why my sexuallity is being factored into your response. I would think that my dilemma is equally applicable to a heterosexual relationship, so I don't see why switching to one would necessarily solve my problem.

I'm really more interested in hearing from people who have been through something similar rather than have people tell me what they think I should do.

Relationships go through peaks and troughs, but whilst many aspects gain strength over the years the sexual side never gets back to the "can't keep your hands off each other " days, but it can still be good again , even after 40 years.

brian

Brain, I'm really not talking about the romantic "can't keep your hands off each other " days, I'm talking about the deep emotional connection; what makes the difference between making love and just sex. Does that still apply to the troughs you refer to? Have you experienced extended periods of time where there simply was no emotional connection in your sex life but it came back after a time? If so, how did you cope with that loss of a connection?

If every other part of the relationship is good, you need to COMMUNICATE. Otherwise you would not have the problem you describe. And if you cannot communicate the nature of the problem, then your relationship isn't as good as you think it is.

I would appreciate being asked questions rather than having conclusions made on assumptions. We have communicated on this matter two or three times over the past year or so, but little has changed. He is happy the way things are, I am not; but at the same time I don't want to try and force my partner to do things he doesn't want to do in order to make me happy.

 

[Rich]

What would you do if you're in a relationship where your compatibility is great on every level except sexually? .

Simple, have an affair, maybe even more than one

 

[KenHigg]

Not at all, Ken. But I'm wondering why my sexuallity is being factored into your response. I would think that my dilemma is equally applicable to a heterosexual relationship, so I don't see why switching to one would necessarily solve my problem.

I'm really more interested in hearing from people who have been through something similar rather than have people tell me what they think I should do.

But I don't think you are getting my point(s). I think most everyone kind of peaks when it comes to sex. I think that at certain times it is on top of the priority list and then it just sort goes into coasting, kind of tapering off. Not that it's not enjoyable, etc. Just not as important.

In your case I think your partner has peaked before you. So..... I also think that in a relationship like you are in, the sex thing is a more dominate topic because it's on the table more often, kind of a higher visibility thing in your everyday life. And I think that may cause you to dwell on it a bit more than you would if you weren't in such a non-typical type relationship...

Does all this sort of, kind of make sense...?

 

[pbaldy]

I'll zero in on what seems like the key point to me:

The emotional connection you used to feel through sex isn't there anymore, or worse - the feeling is there but it doesn't feel like it is reciprocated.

Would it bother you that you feel like you still have passion for your partner but they don't have it for you?

It would bother me to be in this situation. I've been around long enough to have discovered the difference between making love and having sex, and the mutual emotional connection you describe is IMHO crucial to the former. If I was the only one feeling it, I'd wonder if my partner's emotions were fading elsewhere, not just in bed.

 

[lmnop7854]

What would you do if you're in a relationship where your compatibility is great on every level except sexually? Your relationship is fullfilling intellectually, socially, spiritually, and emotionally but sexually you just don't feel satisfied anymore. It's not that there is no more mutual desire, but that the sexual elements you need in order to feel fullfilled aren't there anymore. The emotional connection you used to feel through sex isn't there anymore, or worse - the feeling is there but it doesn't feel like it is reciprocated.

Would you feel like staying in the relationship is settling for less than you deserve? Or would you feel like it is simply a normal part of the relationship process and that the other fullfilling parts of the relationship are vastly more important? Would it bother you that you feel like you still have passion for your partner but they don't have it for you?

I would feel as if I was in a long term relationship with my best friend instead of with a partner. In my experience, the first place that relationships start to fall off is sexually, because that is the least noticeable - the easiest to accomplish without getting questioned. As you say, it can easily be written off as the natural order of things, that some elements of sex wane over time in a relationship. However, left as they are, I believe that these diminishing elements creep into other aspects of the relationship as time goes on.

I find myself on your partner's side of your situation, because I have no emotional connection with my BF. There is also no more desire for me, but that is due to a myriad of complexities that I don't want to go into right now. However, I know that is bothers my BF that I don't have it for him anymore. If I was in his position, I would have broken up with me long ago, but he is in a different place, and I will wind up being the one to do the breaking up (which by the way, is probably imminent). But we aren't as compatible in all other areas as you and your partner appear to be.

Getting back to your question, though, if my partner was aware of these changes in our relationship, and was completely satisfied with the way things were, then it would become my issue. And it would then depend on how uncomfortable I was in the relationship with that one aspect, and how well I could live with it. If I couldn't live with it, then it would be time for me to move on. There are times when it seems that people sometimes grow apart, and this could just be one of them.

Lisa

 

[dan-cat]

Well here's my two cents worth...

All my opinion, not gospel.

No matter what anybody says, relationships need to be cared for.
If not, then the emotional connections you speak of will wither, regardless.

When relationships first start, one's emotions seem to guarantee you that the 100% factor is permanent and that can lead to taking what you have for granted further down the line. In reality everything needs repairing from time to time.

So you've come to the point where things don't seem to be quite right. Well to me all that says is that it's time for some maintenance. By that I mean talk to your partner about your concerns and go forward from there. Don't presume it's a junker before you've checked under the hood.

 

[KenHigg]

... Don't presume it's a junker before you've checked under the hood.

 

[Kraj]

Does all this sort of, kind of make sense...?

Yep, and worth thinking about. Thanks.

And thank you Brian, Paul, Lisa and Dan for your input as well. I may continue to add to the topic or just muse over people's responses. Everyone's input is greatly appreciated.

 

[KenHigg]

Yep, and worth thinking about. Thanks.

And thank you Brian, Paul, Lisa and Dan for your input as well. I may continue to add to the topic or just muse over people's responses. Everyone's input is greatly appreciated.

I'm thinking I blew it. My perspective is so one dimensional... Sorry -

 

[Kraj]

I'm thinking I blew it. My perspective is so one dimensional... Sorry -

I don't know why you'd say that, my friend. This is not something that I can figure out after a few posts. There's no one thing anyone can say that will instantly resolve my dilemma. I just need to think things through and any input is helpful.

 

[TessB]

That is a really deep issue, Greg!
I have a lot to say about it, personally.
But, it's hard to share such personal issues.
Not that I think anyone here would judge me.... but I'm just not sure I want everyone to know me THAT well here.... lol.... I mean... heck, that's not something I ever talk about with anyone but my dearest, closest friends... or my little sister!

What I can tell you is this:
I've had, from time to time, my own doubts as to whether it was better to stay in a relationship or to leave. And the question has always been, IS there anything else that would be better???? And I honestly don't know. I have thought, will I be angry with myself, if 20 years from now, I feel I have settled for something not quite as wonderful as I'd hoped? Or will I be angry with myself if 20 years from now, I look back and believe I threw away the best thing I could have had in search for something that just didn't exist?
Since the question is impossible to answer, I've stayed. Now, if push comes to shove and the things I am unhappy about overtake me and push out the things that are satisfactory.... well, I guess the decision will be clearer then.

I also think that love is not just an emotion, but a choice. I think you can talk yourself into or out of just about anything, including who you are in love with. And, I guess that being said, if I was in a relationship with someone who I was head over heels for, but I knew they didn't feel the same way, I'd ask them if they wanted to work on falling in love with me. If they didn't, I'd have to leave. Because I wouldn't short myself and undercut my own value by being with someone who didn't even love me enough to TRY and be IN love with me.

And, if I was the one who wasn't in love, I guess I'd have to ask myself if I wanted to try. And if I didn't love them enough to try, well, then there'd be no point in staying, really.... because I'd have just sentenced myself to a lifetime of complacency with no passion. And, geez, isn't THAT a depressing thought?

What do you think, sweetie? Can you relate to where I'm coming from? And do you think it just comes down to a simple choice? I'm interested in your feedback!!!!

 

[Vassago]

Guys always seem to have a hard time communicating true feelings, gay or straight. For a same-sex couple, I'm sure it can be even more so. You say you've discussed this with him before, what were his thoughts? You can usually gather what the outcome of the relationship will be from what you were able to learn from him.

I am by no means an expert as I'm only newly married myself, but I believe it's hard for us to make a call without knowing his side as well as yours because as they say, there are two sides to EVERY story, even a love story.

 

[selenau837]

Well deary!

On the outside it looks like everything is ok, however if the sex life is starting to faulter, then perhaps there is something deeper that is being over looked. Generally, from my experience, if the sex life starts hurting then something is wrong. No matter if everything else seems ok, there is a problem.

I would suggest you and him sit down and talk about it. This really is something that you and him have to work out.

I reallly wish I had some better adivce baby doll, but seeing how I'm currently in a divorce I don't think I would be much help.

I can tell you this, before things came to a head in my marriage the sex life became null and void. Yes, most men can get aroused and it not have a thing to do with what is on their mind, but a woman on the other hand can't. When I'm upset with my partner, I just can't perform. Nor do I want to.

I know, I'm probably not much help, but I'm here if you want to chat. *hugs*

 

[Vassago]

Well deary!
most men can get aroused and it not have a thing to do with what is on their mind, but a woman on the other hand can't.

You should probably speak for yourself on both counts. I've known women with bigger sex drives than me.