Here are a few from my family - including my distant cousin Mark Twain. (No foolin' - he was my great-great grandfather's cousin - by marriage if I got it right.)
Paraphrasing:
I'm an expert at quitting smoking, I've done it so often.
My goal is to be absent when my time comes.
Ambrose Bierce:
Experience is that which lets us recognize our mistakes when we make them again.
My uncle, when looking at something confusing:
This is so complex it makes me want to ask you, is it as cold in the winter as it is in the country?
Spoken of someone whose intelligence leaves something to be desired:
Dumb as a box of rocks
Dumb as a box of garden tools
23 cents short of a quarter
Elevator doesn't reach the penthouse
So dumb, if he left here and joined the {badly maligned political opposition party}, he'd increase the average IQ of both groups.
Hey, bud, there was a message for you. Your village wants its idiot back.
So dumb he couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the directions written on the heel.
Spoken of a really tall woman:
Why, that girl's so tall she could stand flat-footed and piss in the radiator of a Chevy pick-up truck
Spoken of a person whose presence is not welcomed:
Heck, for ten cents I'd trade him for a dog and shoot the dog.
From my country cousin: Man who farts in church sits in own pew!
From my great-uncle Johnnie, long deceased - but he was born right at the end of the Civil War: I'm NOT older than dirt. But we're on a first-name basis.
Possibly apochryphal tale of Mozart when his sponsor said, "Your music has too many notes. You must take them out." - to which Wolfie replied, "Certainly, milord. Which ones?"
My aunt, in response to a friend's exasperated comment at the end of a very hard day in a classroom full of screaming kids... Friend: I had a choice once to become a teacher or a *****! My aunt: Which did you choose?
My aunt, seeing a "woman of the evening" with extreme lipstick: Well, she's got her lips redder than a fox's ass in gooseberry season.
Cajun greeting: I'm so glad for you to see me, mon cher! (Implication: I'm not dead yet, which is a good thing!)
Some guys can read between the lines. Others, only between the sheets.
doh!
