What's your best/worst joke?

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Webster

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit
down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would
start to say something, his wife would say, "And what's that
supposed to mean?"

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Cop wants an excuse

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"

 

[Lightwave]

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.
Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Lets play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"
The others agree, so Einstein begins counting."One … Two. Three"
Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square.
He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts. "Ready or not - here I come!"
Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him.
He says, "I found you Newton!"
Newton replies, "No, you found one Newton per square meter - You found Pascal!"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal,
its throat is very small.

The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

"Then you can ask him"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Not Hanging Around

O'Reilly was in a bit of a fix. He was filling in an insurance form
and was asked to state how his parents had died. His mother was not a
problem, she had died of a coronary at the age of 71, but his father
had been hanged for murder at the age of 46.

He did not want to say this, though, so after a bit of thought came
up with a solution and filled in the form:

"My father died at the age of 46 when a platform collapsed at a
public occasion."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Magna Carta

A bus full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the
barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Darn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Babysitting

I was not thrilled with the idea of letting my clueless 13-year-old
son babysit his younger brothers, even though he begged me to.

"What about a fire?" I asked, referring to my No. 1 concern.

"Mom," he said, rolling his eyes, "I'm a Boy Scout. I know how to
start a fire."

 

[alibaz]

My fave...

What do you call a spider in the world of forensic medicine?
An incy-wincy-quincy

That always cheers me up

Plus - theres a lift I often travel in that always makes me smile. Its not made by Otis, but by Schindler .... so ... yes, its Schindlers Lift !!!!!

 

[RainLover]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestorsalready had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.



Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".



One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, Knackers Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all. Knackers has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."



...Makes ya feel bloody proud to be Australian!
​

 

[Isskint]

yeah it was called the bush telegraph

 

[RainLover]

The Bush Telegraph still works today and is in full operation.

Do you know what it is?

 

[Isskint]

Well myth has it that its the way aborigini communicate. But isn't it a radio programme?

 

[RainLover]

Well myth has it that its the way aborigini communicate. But isn't it a radio programme?

No it is not.

It is simply one neighbour talking to another.

This started years ago because no one had a phone out back. The only thing they had was the wireless radio.

We now have phones and the internet in most places but everyone still uses the term Bush Telegraph. These people who can live a hundred miles from their nearest neighbour talk to each other more often than most people talk to their neighbour who are right next door.

Don't think of this as backward. We have a country that is about 10% smaller than the main part of the USA with 20 million people. America has 300 Million I think.

We are doing well just to have roads in a lot of places, even though they are dirt.

Hope this helps to understand.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Darn Cat

A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all
dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got
out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the
house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes
upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that
the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going
upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab, "Sorry I took so
long," he says. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had
to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Menu Commands

A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way
to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.

Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those
commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command...

Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?

Agent: Well, you just press Control-A.

Caller (after a pause): Well, that's not working for me.

Agent: Do you have a text document open in front of you?

Caller: Yes, I sure do.

Agent: OK, now press Control-A.

Caller: I am, but nothing happens.

Agent: The text isn't highlighted?

Caller: No, there's no change at all.

Agent: That's odd. If you press Control-A the whole document should
be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what's
happening.

Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I'm pressing
Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?

 

[Galaxiom]

Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?

That could be a North Queensland (Australia) joke. They really do end every sentence with "eh" up there.

It is one of the symptoms of what we southerners call "tropo".

 

[Dick7Access]

That could be a North Queensland (Australia) joke. They really do end every sentence with "eh" up there.

It is one of the symptoms of what we southerners call "tropo".

Well, well, well!!! What an informative forum!!! You can even learn something on a joke thread. Being a Yankee and living in the south I get more than my share of ribbing, but I thought it was a USA thing. I never realize that you folks had that in Aussie country.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Hoya!

A politician gives a stump speech in an Indian reservation, trying to garner the Native American ballot. "If elected, I promise better education for Native Americans," he says. The crowd goes wild, calling out "Hoya! Hoya!"

Guy doesn't know what the word means, but he figures, hey, they look excited, so he goes on. "I promise to propose legislation permitting a casino to be built on this reservation," he says. The crowd gets even more frenzied, and keeps shouting "Hoya!" over and over. Encouraged by the cheers, he finishes his speech: "And if elected, I promise to ensure better health care and employment options for Native Americans!" The crowd is at a fever pitch, stamping their feet and yelling "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

His speech finished, the guy shakes some hands, kisses some babies, and decides to go on a tour of the reservation before hitting the campaign trail again. The politician comes across a huge herd of cattle, and says to his guide, "I was raised on a ranch, and I've always loved cattle. Mind if I go over and get a closer look?"

"Sure," says the guide, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Required Course

In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology course.
The first day, the professor commented on each student's major,
trying to provoke a response. It was working - some students were
becoming defensive. When it was
my turn, I told him I was a music major.

"So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of you wasting
your education to study music?"

"He's just thankful," I shot back, "that I didn't go into psychology."

 

[Isskint]

Lollipop ladies, they make me cross

Lone Ranger goes into town one day with Tonto. Tonto is on a bit of a health drive, so he jogs. When they get to the town Tonto says I'll wait out here jogging on the spot". Anyway 10 minutes later the Lone Ranger has not come out, and a local comes in and says "someones left their injun running!"