What's your best/worst joke?

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Overboard!

On a U.S. cruiser, the officer of the deck asked the starboard
lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"

"I'd yell 'Man overboard!'" answered the lookout snappily.

"Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?"

The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: New Bicycle

Johnny was one of those holy terrors. You know, the kind of child
that is into everything, can't keep still, drives you crazy. His
father was surprised when Johnny's mother suggested that they buy him
a bicycle for his birthday.

"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior?" the father asked.

"Well, no," the mom admitted, "But it will spread it over a wider area."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Curiosity

Our six-year-old daughter, Terra, has a need to ask questions ...
lots of questions. Finally, one day, my wife had it.

"Have you ever heard that curiosity killed the cat?" my wife asked.

"No," replied Terra.

"Well, there was a cat, and he was very inquisitive. And one day, he
looked into a big hole, fell in, and died!"


Wide-eyed, Terra whispered:
"What was in the hole?"
“Was it a black cat?”
“Did they bury him or her in the hole?

 

[Rx_]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me, Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
"Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back!"

 

[Rx_]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch, and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas ! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Welsh Mat

An American was touring Wales, and upon entering a hotel in one town,
noticed the words, "TAM" written on the mat.

"Ah!" he said, "I suppose that's Welsh for Welcome."

"No, sir," replied the doorman. "That's the bath mat upside down."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because
everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it any more.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now.......

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Nutritious Eating
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, eating right
doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple
way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plate with
bright colors: Greens, Reds, Yellows.
In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It
was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.

 

[Dick7Access]

January 1 2013
HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT


Hillary Clinton, Was sworn in today as President. She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White House.

She has waited several years for this.


FIRST NIGHT Suddenly! The ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about
that."

SECOND NIGHT The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve mycountry?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."



THIRD NIGHT On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my
country?"

Lincoln says,

"Go to the theater."

 

[Brianwarnock]

CODE PRESENTED IN 100% Recycled Pixels

So was the joke

Sorry RX_ I couldn't resist it

Brian

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: New Neighbor

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son,
Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.

"Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?"

"No."

"Come on Dad, you have to meet them."

"Some other time; I'm busy."

"Dad, you have to meet them now."

From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were
waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the
house. No one was there.

"Where are they?" I asked.

"Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our
baseball is in their living room!"

 

[pmonaghan]

Horse walks into a bar... ouch.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Firehouse Training Session

At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled
around the kitchen table.

The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: "You pull
up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves,
blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this
tell you?" he asked.

Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft
situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead
heard from one quick wit:

"You got the right place."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Give a Man a Fish

Give a man a fish and he will eat all day.

Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing
equipment, stupid-looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel
1000 miles to the "hottest" fishing spot and stand waist-deep in cold
water so he can try to outsmart a fish.

Average cost per fish: $395.68

 

[Dick7Access]

THE ADVANTAGES OF HAVING DOGS (VS. KIDS)

~ It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter.
~ Dogs cannot lie.
~ Dogs never resist nap time.
~ You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.
~ Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.
~ Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes.
~ Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.
~ Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public.
~ Average cost of sending a dog to school: $142
Average cost of sending a kid to school: $103,000

 

[Rabbie]

Seemingly the Somali team has withdrawn from the Olympics.They didn't realise that sailing and shooting were two separate events.

 

[recyan]

That's not fair, Rabbie, but all the same it's a beauty.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Bumpers

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman
trying to get out of a tight parking space. She bumped the car in
front, then backed up and hit the car behind her. This went on about
two minutes.

I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined.
She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"

 

[Dick7Access]

A woman goes to the Doctor with bruises on her face.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it around in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water does nothing …it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

 

[Dick7Access]

Boudreaux's Change of Heart

Boudreaux suddenly he done quit drinking, took hisself a bath, quit chasing dem women, even quit his poker games and begun to helping around town.
He started cutting da grass at da church, even painted it and was faithful to be da first one what got there on Sundays!
Father Thibodeaux asked him what about dis wonderful change dat done overtooken him.
Boudreaux explained, "I heard 'Crisis in da Gulf' and if He’s dat close, I wanna be good to go!!

To get the full gist if this you need to know what a Cajun is. When I preach in LA they call me a misplace Cajun, or a Yankee Cajun.