What's your best/worst joke?

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Are You Hurt?

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car
smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the
driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"

 

[Dick7Access]

While visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night, I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, Dad,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my i-Pad.'

I can tell you, that pesky fly never knew what hit him ...


​

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Pretty Dress

A co-worker returned after lunch carrying a dress from the cleaners.

"Pretty dress," said one of the guys. "Big date tonight?"

"I picked it up for a friend," she replied, adding, "Do you really
think I could fit in a tiny thing like this?"

He smiled and said, "Do you really think I've lived this long by
answering questions like that?"

 

[Dick7Access]

A guy was telling his buddy, you won't believe what happened last night...

My daughter walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the college tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop.

Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.

Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.

Then disown me and never talk to me again.

And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any one that wants it."

"Holy smoke", replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said...

"Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on President Obama's reelection campaign."





--

 

[Isskint]

3 jokes i have just heard and wanted to share the pleasure (?pain) with you all.

2 eskimo's in a kayak paddling around looking for dinner. As it was a bit cold they decided to light a fire and promptly burnt a hole in their kayak and sank; the moral of the tale is "You can not have your kayak and heat it":banghead:

3 ducks walk into a bar. The barman says to the first
BM: Well hello, a duck, whats your name, what you been doing?.
Duck: "I'm Eric and i have been in and out of puddles all day. I mean what more can a duck want in life."
BM: Great, happy for you. What can i get you?
Duck1: A pint would be great
BM: And you, 2nd duck, hello, whats your name, what you been doing?
Duck2: I'm Bert and i have been in and out of puddles all day also. I mean what more could any duck want in life?
BM: Great, happy for you. What can i get you?
Duck2: A pint would be great also, thanks.
BM: And you, 3rd duck, hello, whats your name, what you been doing?
Duck3: My names Puddles!!!!

I saw a black cab in London today with spots all over it. I think it was an ackney cab

 

[Dick7Access]

Fred called a church and asked to speak to the Head Hog of the Trough.

Secretary: How rude! I'll have you know we would NEVER EVER refer to our pastor as a hog.

Fred: Okay, then just take a message. Tell him I've come into a bit of money so I was calling to give your church $10,000.

Secretary: Well hold the phone, dearie! I think I see that big fat pig coming down the hall right now.

 

[Libre]

A guy is out hunting with his friend.
All of a sudden, friend turns blue and falls to the ground motionless.
Guy calls 911 on cell phone.

Guy: I'm out in the woods and my friend just fell over and died!!!
911 Operator: Sir, don't panic. Stay calm.
Guy: Well, what should I do?
911: first, I want you to make sure that your friend is really dead.
Guy: okay - just a minute...

911 operator hears a loud BANG through the phone.

Guy: okay, now what?

 

[Libre]

Guy is looking for a parking space.
He is DESPERATE for a parking space.
Not normally a religious man, he is so desperate he begins to pray.
PLEASE GOD - if you can just grant me a parking space, I'll give up drinking and I'll go to church every Sunday.

Just then, a spot opens up right in front him.

Man to God: Never mind, Lord - I found one myself.

 

[Dick7Access]

Christian Home
After a baby dedication at church one Sunday evening, Jason sat in the back seat of the car and sobbed all the way home. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally Jason replied, "The preacher said that he wanted children to be brought up in Christian homes, but I want to stay with you guys!"

 

[Dick7Access]

IF YOU MARRY AN ALABAMA GIRL……
Three friends married women from different parts of the Southeast.
The first man married a woman from Florida . He told her that she
was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Georgia . He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Alabama . He ordered her to
keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he goes to the bathroom.

 

[NigelShaw]

The Irish Olympic fencing team got all confused.....
The arrived with 50 posts, 300 metres of ship lap timber and 2 tins of creosote!

The Chinese badminton team were finally disqualified.... Chi ting fook and nei to hi are said to be annoyed.

The annual camping and caravaning convention got a bit heated today police reported, its calm now but earlier it was said to be intense...... (think about it lol)

I was sure that my wife was suffering from tourettes so I took her to see the doctor. It turns out that I am a c#nt, and a f#cking w@nker.......

The Heinz factory was broken into by a pack of loose dogs last night and the secret salad cream recipe was stolen. The police say they have a few leads and are currently looking into other sources (sauces)

Cheers



Sent from my OMNIA7 using Board Express

 

[Rabbie]

I received an email today from a young, attractive Russian girl who wants me to fly her over to the UK so that we can get married. I'm not falling for that one though.

She's just after the money I won yesterday on the Ugandan Lottery.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: New Glasses

A woman walks into the optometry store to return a pair of eyeglasses
she had purchased the week before.

"What seems to be the problem, ma'am?" the optometrist inquired.

"Well, I bought these glasses for my husband last week and they're
just not working," the woman complained.

"Perhaps the lab made an error in filling the prescription."

"I'm sure they must have," the woman confirmed. "My husband's still
not seeing things my way."

 

[NigelShaw]

A woman walks into an opticians. "hi, I think these glasses are broken" she says to lady. "me too" said the lady. "I don't work here, and this is the bakers"!

Sent from my OMNIA7 using Board Express

 

[Dick7Access]

A woman walks into an opticians. "hi, I think these glasses are broken" she says to lady. "me too" said the lady. "I don't work here, and this is the bakers"!

Sent from my OMNIA7 using Board Express

that's good

 

[NigelShaw]

The local mining village football team, "Quarry united" won yesterday 2-1 on aggregate!

 

[Jacob Mathai]

I was trying to explain the concept of Twitter to my friend. He finally said I don't follow you.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Girl said : I think the poorest people are the happiest. Boy replied : Then marry me, we will the happiest couple.

Some say the glass is half empty, Some say the glass is half full, I say "Are you gonna drink that?"

What do call two birds in with love? Tweet hearts.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

 

[Big Pat]

Mary comes home to Belfast after years in London and gives her mother a present of a brand new fur coat, a diamond necklace for her sister and some flash designer gear for her brother.
"Mary, you must be doing very well in London", says her mother, "What line of work did you say you were in?"
"Oh, I became a prostitute", says Mary. "It pays very well, but I've decided enough is enough and I'm going to change my ways".
"A prostitute?" roars her father. "We're a good Catholic family and we didn't raise you to be a prostitute. Get out of this house and never come back. You can't just change your ways after being a prostitute."
"But Dad, I have a gift for you too. I made enough money to buy you a brand new Mercedes. It's parked outside."
"I don't care. I'll never drive a .... Wait, what did you say you became in London?"
"A prostitute Dad", admits Mary shamefully.
"Oh thank God for that", says her father. "For a minute there I thought you said 'Protestant'."

 

[Big Pat]

Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.

The car stalled out.

The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."

The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll
replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."

The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."

They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked.

The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."

It's WINDOWS. "Close all the WINDOWS...".

 

[Jacob Mathai]

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."