What's your best/worst joke?

[Jacob Mathai]

College Majors; Suppose you have a professor hold up two apples and asks a class “How many objects am I holding?” you would probably get different responses from different majors like….

Business: Two Juicy, delicious apples that are on sale at my store.

Chemistry: 6×10^30 apple molecules

History: You are holding dinosaur poop

Music: You are holding two objects that if you drop them you will get a D4

Education: Two Apples

Accounting: You are holding one apple because the other one has to go to the government as tax

Psychology: What objects?

Math: You are holding two sets of objects, that take up a finite amount of space called apples.

English: You are holding two lush pieces of fruit, that are nourishing and remind me of my dog Fido. Fido thy sweet fruit. So nourishing in my time of need, you fill me up with……

Art: Two apples (Ha, Ha…Thank goodness for photoshop. The perfect opportunity to take a picture of the professor and alter the picture so that I have a blackmail photo).

Computer Science: Two apples (I’ll take the art major’s picture and post it on my website for all to see, and add links so that people could find similar pictures (and I make $)).

 

[Dick7Access]

College Majors; Suppose you have a professor hold up two apples and asks a class “How many objects am I holding?” you would probably get different responses from different majors like….

Business: Two Juicy, delicious apples that are on sale at my store.

Chemistry: 6×10^30 apple molecules

History: You are holding dinosaur poop

Music: You are holding two objects that if you drop them you will get a D4

Education: Two Apples

Accounting: You are holding one apple because the other one has to go to the government as tax

Psychology: What objects?

Math: You are holding two sets of objects, that take up a finite amount of space called apples.

English: You are holding two lush pieces of fruit, that are nourishing and remind me of my dog Fido. Fido thy sweet fruit. So nourishing in my time of need, you fill me up with……

Art: Two apples (Ha, Ha…Thank goodness for photoshop. The perfect opportunity to take a picture of the professor and alter the picture so that I have a blackmail photo).

Computer Science: Two apples (I’ll take the art major’s picture and post it on my website for all to see, and add links so that people could find similar pictures (and I make $)).

Priest: This is where it all started!

 

[MSAccessRookie]

The “Fiscal Cliff” put into perspective. First we look at how the government is run, and then we compare that (by removing 8 zeroes) to what a household Budget would look like if it were run like the government is run.

Lesson # 1:

(How the government is run)

[B][FONT=Courier New]U.S. Tax Revenue:                  $2,170,000,000,000[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]Federal Budget:                    $3,820,000,000,000[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]New Debt:                          $1,650,000,000,000[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]National Debt:                     $14,271,000,000,000[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]Recent Budget Cuts:                $38,500,000,000[/FONT][/B]

(If a Household Budget were run like the government is run)

[B][FONT=Courier New]Annual family income:              $21,700[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]Money the family spent:            $38,200[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]New Credit Card debt:              $16,500[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]Outstanding Credit Card Balance:   $142,710[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]Recent Budget Cuts:                $385[/FONT][/B]

Got it yet?

Lesson # 2

A simple way to understand the Debt Ceiling:

Let’s say you come home from work and find that there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood, and your is now filled with sewage all the way up to your ceilings.

What do you think you should do to solve the problem, raise the ceiling or remove the ****?

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Insomnia

My husband, an accountant, and I both suffer from occasional bouts of
insomnia. One night I suggested we try a technique I'd read about,
which was to encourage relaxation. Laying with our eyes closed, I
described a relaxing scene: "We're in a beautiful, oceanside bungalow
on a tropical island. A gentle breeze is coming through the French
doors that lead to our private ocean path."

My husband's quiet voice startled me from my peaceful place. "How
much is this vacation costing us?"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Bridal Fair

My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for
his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we
were engaged and asked when the big day was.

"Oh, we've been married ten years," I said.

"Really?" she asked. "But you look so happy."

 

[scott-atkinson]

What do you call an Exotic Eastern European Dancer?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A Pol on a Pole..

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Newly Married

A newly married man, feeling a little insecure, asked his wife,
"Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," his bride replied sweetly, "I'd have married you no matter
who left you that fortune!"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

A little girl was practicing the violin in the living room while her father was trying to read the newspaper. The family dog was lying and as the screeching sounds of little Amelia’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, “For pity’s sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Lot's O'Snow

I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in northern Newfoundland.
He said that since early this morning the snow has been falling and
is nearly waist high. The temperature is dropping way below zero and
the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: In the Old Days

My daughter was six and excited about learning all the wonderful
things about the world that first-graders learn. She turned to me one
day and asked, "Mom, back in the old days when you were a kid, had
they learned how to make the wheel yet?"

I replied, "No, Sweetie, back then we were just grateful to have fire."

 

[MSAccessRookie]

George W. Bush and Osama Bin Laden decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 "thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a very strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last even 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over toward Osama's dog.

Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the America Dachshund at full speed. But when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened his mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world, and the biggest and meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a wiener dog."

 

[Rx_]

Famous Quotes that I enjoy:

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
- David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire, God dammit: I'm a billionaire.
- Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
- Italian proverb

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
- Prince Philip

The best cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
- Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
- Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer - kill a million and you're a conqueror.
- Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have $50 million, but I'm just as happy as when I had $48 million.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
- W.H. Auden

 

[Dick7Access]

IN GOD WE TRUST !!!
Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from Genesis:

"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all
corners of the earth".

Then he made the earth round... and he laughed and laughed and laughed!

 

[Dick7Access]

[FONT=&quot]Texting codes for Senior Citizens:[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]* ATD- At the Doctor's
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* CBM- Covered by Medicare
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Citizens
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* DWI- Driving While Incontinent
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* LOL- Living on Lipitor
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* TOT- Texting on Toilet
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking [/FONT][FONT=&quot]I[/FONT][FONT=&quot]n!)[/FONT]

 

[Dick7Access]

Little Johnny Strikes Again...


The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her chest is so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.

 

[Isskint]

How do you confuse an idiot?

Put 5 shovels against a wall and tell him to take his pick.


......



......


How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I'll get back to you on that later.....

 

[Dick7Access]

How do you confuse an idiot?

Put 5 shovels against a wall and tell him to take his pick....
.....


How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I'll get back to you on that later.....

I use to work for that guy!!

 

[utrulez]

The “Fiscal Cliff” put into perspective. First we look at how the government is run, and then we compare that (by removing 8 zeroes) to what a household Budget would look like if it were run like the government is run.

Lesson # 1:

(How the government is run)

[B][FONT=Courier New]U.S. Tax Revenue:                  $2,170,000,000,000[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]Federal Budget:                    $3,820,000,000,000[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]New Debt:                          $1,650,000,000,000[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]National Debt:                     $14,271,000,000,000[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]Recent Budget Cuts:                $38,500,000,000[/FONT][/B]

(If a Household Budget were run like the government is run)

[B][FONT=Courier New]Annual family income:              $21,700[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]Money the family spent:            $38,200[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]New Credit Card debt:              $16,500[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]Outstanding Credit Card Balance:   $142,710[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]Recent Budget Cuts:                $385[/FONT][/B]

Got it yet?

Lesson # 2

A simple way to understand the Debt Ceiling:

Let’s say you come home from work and find that there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood, and your is now filled with sewage all the way up to your ceilings.

What do you think you should do to solve the problem, raise the ceiling or remove the ****?

lol... made my laugh so hard!

 

[Dick7Access]

Dear folks,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and
unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body
rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son,
Marvin.

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in
the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I
prayed to God that I could get it back. But I was too late.

A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your
prayers were answered. Your letter never came!"

 

[ColinEssex]

Dear folks,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and
unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body
rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son,
Marvin.

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in
the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I
prayed to God that I could get it back. But I was too late.

A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your
prayers were answered. Your letter never came!"

I don't get it. If the letter never arrived how did he know there was a letter?

Col