What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Fornatian
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CJ - classic!
I used to play organ for a small church that could well have been the inspiration for this quote.
I used to play organ for a small church that could well have been the inspiration for this quote.
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
Not really, Papa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, socialist wing commie pinko Obamalover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
Not really, Papa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, socialist wing commie pinko Obamalover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
Some people will say or do just about anything to get out of a ticket. Here's a brilliant example, love her creativity…lol
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too!
The officer apologized for the inconvenience and sent her on her way.
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too!
The officer apologized for the inconvenience and sent her on her way.
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: Chain Necklace
When a thief snatched a chain necklace that a friend of mine was
wearing, she grabbed at his collar, trying unsuccessfully to stop his
getaway. Asked for the thief's description later, she said,"Don't
bother looking for him. He only got a costume-jewelry chain of mine.
But when I grabbed him by the collar, I got his chain, and it's real gold!"
When a thief snatched a chain necklace that a friend of mine was
wearing, she grabbed at his collar, trying unsuccessfully to stop his
getaway. Asked for the thief's description later, she said,"Don't
bother looking for him. He only got a costume-jewelry chain of mine.
But when I grabbed him by the collar, I got his chain, and it's real gold!"
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Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look
After her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on
Vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep
The two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she
Heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found
The dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
As so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next,
Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very
Grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then
Call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose
His erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look
After her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on
Vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep
The two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she
Heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found
The dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
As so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next,
Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very
Grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then
Call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose
His erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.
My favorite joke is a grandmother walking on a beach with her young grandson. Suddenly, a huge wave comes and sweeps the young lad out to sea. The grandmother is distraught, and falls to her knees to pray: "Oh, lord, please return my only grandson to me".
In a few seconds, another giant wave breaks, depositing the living child at her feet. She then looks straight up and cries out "HE HAD A HAT!"
In a few seconds, another giant wave breaks, depositing the living child at her feet. She then looks straight up and cries out "HE HAD A HAT!"
SyntaxSocialist
Registered User.
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*INAPPROPRIATE*
I recently had the opportunity to play basketball with Shaq. It was unreal. My colleagues and I were getting our butts kicked and veritably handed to us. As we were all changing in the locker room, Shaq was having a shower. I thought to myself, "I just have to get a look at Shaq's junk."
We've all wondered just how big something like that could possibly be. I mean, the guy's huge as it is... Look at his hands!
So I sorta snuck off and was planning to just walk by and hopefully catch a fleeting glance at the thing (figured I couldn't miss it), but to my disdain, when I made it to the showers, his bodyguard was there.
This guy was just HUGE. Black. Bald head. Thick. A big bulgy vein that was where most people have a neck... and he was looking at me with this slanty one-eyed stare. I was so caught off guard and so intimidated that as I tried to come up with an explanation for what I was doing there, the truth spilled out. "Sorry... I was... I... Iwasjust... I was gonna... try and see... ... ... Shaq's penis... Please don't tell Shaq about this."
And I skulked away.
Outside the locker room, I figured there was no way that guy hadn't ratted me out, so I came clean to Shaq before thanking him for the opportunity of a lifetime (to play ball with him).
"Shaq man, listen, about back there in the locker room. I'm sure your body guard must have told you. I'm sorry man. I just couldn't help myself I guess. I had to at least try and get a look at your junk."
Shaq responded,
"What? Oh! That wasn't my bodyguard. That was my d*ck."
I recently had the opportunity to play basketball with Shaq. It was unreal. My colleagues and I were getting our butts kicked and veritably handed to us. As we were all changing in the locker room, Shaq was having a shower. I thought to myself, "I just have to get a look at Shaq's junk."
We've all wondered just how big something like that could possibly be. I mean, the guy's huge as it is... Look at his hands!
So I sorta snuck off and was planning to just walk by and hopefully catch a fleeting glance at the thing (figured I couldn't miss it), but to my disdain, when I made it to the showers, his bodyguard was there.
This guy was just HUGE. Black. Bald head. Thick. A big bulgy vein that was where most people have a neck... and he was looking at me with this slanty one-eyed stare. I was so caught off guard and so intimidated that as I tried to come up with an explanation for what I was doing there, the truth spilled out. "Sorry... I was... I... Iwasjust... I was gonna... try and see... ... ... Shaq's penis... Please don't tell Shaq about this."
And I skulked away.
Outside the locker room, I figured there was no way that guy hadn't ratted me out, so I came clean to Shaq before thanking him for the opportunity of a lifetime (to play ball with him).
"Shaq man, listen, about back there in the locker room. I'm sure your body guard must have told you. I'm sorry man. I just couldn't help myself I guess. I had to at least try and get a look at your junk."
Shaq responded,
"What? Oh! That wasn't my bodyguard. That was my d*ck."
Last edited:
Jacob Mathai
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $200,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, well, what you would say to:
Package of 10 weeks annual vacation,
21 paid holidays,
Full medical and dental,
Company matching retirement fund for 50 percent of your salary,
Company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Have a nice day...
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $200,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, well, what you would say to:
Package of 10 weeks annual vacation,
21 paid holidays,
Full medical and dental,
Company matching retirement fund for 50 percent of your salary,
Company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Have a nice day...
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Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"
A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... The driver won £52!
Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take its shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"
A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... The driver won £52!
Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take its shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
billgyrotech
Banned
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Electric Fence and Lawn Mower
If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those pieces of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80 humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created..
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those pieces of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80 humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created..
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Jacob Mathai
Registered User.
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- Today, 23:15
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2001
- Messages
- 546
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
Dick7Access
Dick S
- Local time
- Today, 18:15
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2009
- Messages
- 4,342
GCF: Grading the Fall
John was a construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a scaffold,
managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the scaffold on
the way down. He received only minor scratches.
Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working. Then
he noticed his co-workers holding up hastily-made signs reading, 9.6,
9.8, and 9.4.
John was a construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a scaffold,
managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the scaffold on
the way down. He received only minor scratches.
Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working. Then
he noticed his co-workers holding up hastily-made signs reading, 9.6,
9.8, and 9.4.
Hi Everyone I'm New here so here goes I hope you like it:
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
More than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
Yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he
Fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
Sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
Give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get
The hell out of here!'
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
More than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
Yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he
Fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
Sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
Give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get
The hell out of here!'
A woman goes to see the doctor to get the test results for her husband. At the doctor's office, the doctor tells her there was a mix up at the labs and that they were not sure if her husband had Alzheimer's or Aids. The lady asks the doctor if they can run the test again and he says that under ObamaCare the test is so expensive it can only be done once. So the lady asks the doctor what can she do and the doctor tells her "to drive her husband into the middle of town and drop him off. And if he makes it home then don't sleep with him!"
- Local time
- Today, 23:15
- Joined
- Feb 19, 2013
- Messages
- 17,763
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband the following text message:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!”
The husband, in a typically masculine non-romantic fashion, replied,
"I am on the toilet . . . please advise."
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!”
The husband, in a typically masculine non-romantic fashion, replied,
"I am on the toilet . . . please advise."
Dick7Access
Dick S
- Local time
- Today, 18:15
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2009
- Messages
- 4,342
GCF: 12-Hour Shifts
A nurse had been doing twelve-hour shifts on a medical/surgical unit.
One evening she finally got to enjoy an action movie with her husband.
Tey were sitting in the theater holding hands. During the exciting chase scene, he turned to her and said. "Look, if you wanna
hold hands, fine. But quit taking my pulse, okay?"
A nurse had been doing twelve-hour shifts on a medical/surgical unit.
One evening she finally got to enjoy an action movie with her husband.
Tey were sitting in the theater holding hands. During the exciting chase scene, he turned to her and said. "Look, if you wanna
hold hands, fine. But quit taking my pulse, okay?"
Dick7Access
Dick S
- Local time
- Today, 18:15
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2009
- Messages
- 4,342
GCF: History Buff
As a history buff, I was looking forward to staying in a hotel in
Salisbury, England. This hotel dated back to the 13th century.
When I arrived, the hotel clerk gave me some bad news -- my room was
in the new section.
Disappointed, I asked when the "new" section had been built.
"In the 1600's," she replied apologetically.
As a history buff, I was looking forward to staying in a hotel in
Salisbury, England. This hotel dated back to the 13th century.
When I arrived, the hotel clerk gave me some bad news -- my room was
in the new section.
Disappointed, I asked when the "new" section had been built.
"In the 1600's," she replied apologetically.
