What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[Dick7Access]

The concept of a joke is to be funny, Dick's copy and paste efforts fail on the basic necessity.



Yes, sarcasm is a skill yet to be mastered by Americans, personally I prefer satire. Although if you try sarcasm, let me know and I'll see if there is any improvement.

I still don't get the "GCF" bit either.

Col

I am going to break Radio Silence, only because I can't stop laughing.
G = Good, C=Clean F=Fun

 

[Vassago]

Yes, sarcasm is a skill yet to be mastered by Americans, personally I prefer satire. Although if you try sarcasm, let me know and I'll see if there is any improvement.

I'm afraid you are underqualified to grade either.

I still don't get the "GCF" bit either.

Col

Neither do I, even after his "explanation."

 

[Dick7Access]

I'm afraid you are underqualified to grade either.




Neither do I, even after his "explanation."

GCF is the blog that sends me humor. I add it so that I am not accused of plagiarism.

 

[scott-atkinson]

GCF is the blog that sends me humor. I add it so that I am not accused of plagiarism.

I suggest you find a new Blog...

 

[AnthonyGerrard]

Watched a BBC 4 things on history / origins of jokes last night.


Shakesepeare had teh first knock knock joke ?!

Anyway -

Knock knock > whos there? > Europe > Europe Who? > NO you're a poo!

OK its probably the worst joke ever - but my 4 year old will think its the best - satifying either criteria for the thread!

 

[Dick7Access]

I suggest you find a new Blog...

Sorry, I happen to like it.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: From the mouth of "Babes, Lost in the Store

From halfway across the store, I could hear a mother calling for her son: "Jimmy, Jimmy!"

I turned a corner into another aisle and found a six-year-old by himself playing with some umbrellas. "Are you Jimmy?" I asked.

"Yes, I am."

"Didn't you hear your mother call?"

"Yes."

"Aren't you going to go to her?"

He shook his head. "No, she's not hysterical yet."

 

[ColinEssex]

GCF is the blog that sends me humor.

When are you going to post some?

Col

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Flowers

Purely by coincidence, I ran into my husband in our local grocery store.

He was carrying a beautiful pink azalea, and I joked, "That better be for me."

From behind, a woman's voice: "It is now."

Ps. Remember Col
dim GCF as string
GCF = "Good Clean Fun"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Confession

Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional.

"Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!"

Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!"

When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?"

"Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"

 

[Dick7Access]

Confession

Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional.

"Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!"

Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!"

When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?"

"Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"

Obliviously, Young O'Donnell had to be a red neck Yankee, Oh! wait a minute, I am a red neck Yankee, Please delete the about line>

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Scottish Bus Driver

The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists.

The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest.

He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English."

They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English."

Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.

About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here"?

"Not when I'm driving the bus" was the response.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

3 Wishes

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "FOOM" the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "POOF" there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

 

[CJ_London]

Was sent these the other day I know they arn't jokes but still quite amusing:

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries.

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

29. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

30. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

31. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

32. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better..

 

[MSAccessRookie]

Was sent these the other day I know they arn't jokes but still quite amusing:

Like the headlines that are read by Late Night Television host Jay Leno, these notes are so badly written that they are amusing. I enjoyed reading them too

 

[scott-atkinson]

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

Hey I know that feeling

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Three men became priests in the Catholic church around the same
time. Their names were Father John, Father Adams and Father SeCola.
All three were good men, but it seemed that only Father John and
Father Adams were destined to move up. And so they did, until the
three were Cardinal John, Cardinal Adams, but still Father SeCola.
In time the Pope passed away, and Cardinal John was given the
honor. But Pope John had a weak heart, and he didn't last long.
The flame was passed to Cardinal Adams, who also died soon.
Once again, Father SeCola was passed up.
This was the final insult for the good father, who went into the
church and prayed, "Father, I have served you faithfully. I have
kept all your commandments, I have done everything you ever asked
of me, heck, I even got better grades than those two idiots! How
come they were Popes and here I am, still only a Father?"
And God answered, "My son, I know. But think of what it would
do for My image for one of My servants to run around calling
himself Pope SeCola?"

 

[ColinEssex]

Three men became priests in the Catholic church around the same
time. Their names were Father John, Father Adams and Father SeCola.
All three were good men, but it seemed that only Father John and
Father Adams were destined to move up. And so they did, until the
three were Cardinal John, Cardinal Adams, but still Father SeCola.
In time the Pope passed away, and Cardinal John was given the
honor. But Pope John had a weak heart, and he didn't last long.
The flame was passed to Cardinal Adams, who also died soon.
Once again, Father SeCola was passed up.

Wouldn't that be because he was not a cardinal? He's not even in the frame unless he's a cardinal.

Col

 

[Dick7Access]

Wouldn't that be because he was not a cardinal? He's not even in the frame unless he's a cardinal.

Col

Jacob
Please remember that there are some people on this forum that English is not there native language.

dim apope as string
dim acardinal as string
dim apriest as string

acardinal = apriest
apope = acardinal

 

[MSAccessRookie]

Wouldn't that be because he was not a cardinal? He's not even in the frame unless he's a cardinal.

Col

Actually, any active Priest is eligible to become Pope, although it does take a 2/3 majority of votes to be approved