Elmobram22
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On his recent visit to Ireland the Pope was asked what he thought of County Down... He replied it has not been the same since Carol Vorderman left 
What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)
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chellebell1689
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My top faves!
1) There was a big fat fluffy cat that passed away and went to the gates of Heaven. There St. Peter greets him asking what he would like in Heaven. Stretching, he replies "A biiiig fluffy pillow in a nice warm sunny spot." St. Peter tells him where to find his wish and he runs off into Heaven. A few days later 4 or 5 little mice come to the gates, and St. Peter asks them what they would like. "We've been running from cats, dogs, and cars our whole lives, we would like a pair of roller blades!", they squeaked. A couple months went by and St. Peter decided to go check on everyone. He comes across the big fat fluffy cat, "Well hello there! How are you doing Mr. Fat Cat?" Rolling over for his belly to be rubbed he replies, "Wonderful! This pillow is so comfy, I get belly rubs all the time, and this is the warmest spot ever! Oh, by the way, thanks for the meals on wheels!"
2) A blonde walks into a store and tells the clerk, "I want that TV please." The clerk replies, "I'm sorry we don't sell to blondes." The woman comes back the next week (hair dyed brown), "Sir, I would like that TV please." The clerk replies, "I'm sorry ma'am, we don't sell to blondes." The next week she comes back with black hair, "Can I have that TV, please?" "I'm sorry we don't sell to blondes" says the clerk. Annoyed she asks, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" The clerk replies, "That's not a TV, that's a microwave."
3) (for the worst joke & one of my nieces came up with this when she was 5).
What do you get when lightning hits a tree?
A burnt squirrel!
1) There was a big fat fluffy cat that passed away and went to the gates of Heaven. There St. Peter greets him asking what he would like in Heaven. Stretching, he replies "A biiiig fluffy pillow in a nice warm sunny spot." St. Peter tells him where to find his wish and he runs off into Heaven. A few days later 4 or 5 little mice come to the gates, and St. Peter asks them what they would like. "We've been running from cats, dogs, and cars our whole lives, we would like a pair of roller blades!", they squeaked. A couple months went by and St. Peter decided to go check on everyone. He comes across the big fat fluffy cat, "Well hello there! How are you doing Mr. Fat Cat?" Rolling over for his belly to be rubbed he replies, "Wonderful! This pillow is so comfy, I get belly rubs all the time, and this is the warmest spot ever! Oh, by the way, thanks for the meals on wheels!"
2) A blonde walks into a store and tells the clerk, "I want that TV please." The clerk replies, "I'm sorry we don't sell to blondes." The woman comes back the next week (hair dyed brown), "Sir, I would like that TV please." The clerk replies, "I'm sorry ma'am, we don't sell to blondes." The next week she comes back with black hair, "Can I have that TV, please?" "I'm sorry we don't sell to blondes" says the clerk. Annoyed she asks, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" The clerk replies, "That's not a TV, that's a microwave."
3) (for the worst joke & one of my nieces came up with this when she was 5).
What do you get when lightning hits a tree?
A burnt squirrel!
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: Dinner Problem
A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight
nervously announced about thirty minutes outbound from Los Angeles,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't know how this happened, but we have
103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."
When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone
who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will
receive free drinks for the length of the flight."
Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change
his mind, we still have twenty-nine dinners available!"
A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight
nervously announced about thirty minutes outbound from Los Angeles,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't know how this happened, but we have
103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."
When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone
who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will
receive free drinks for the length of the flight."
Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change
his mind, we still have twenty-nine dinners available!"
MSAccessRookie
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WHAT YEAR IS IT?
A movie about a place called JURASSIC PARK is #1 at the Box office.
A movie about a machine called THE TERMINATOR is set to be released soon.
A New Edition of the FINAL FANTASY Series is due out later this year.
AND
BUSH and CLINTON appear to be well on their way to represent their parties in the United States General election.
Again we ask WHAT YEAR IS IT?
A movie about a place called JURASSIC PARK is #1 at the Box office.
A movie about a machine called THE TERMINATOR is set to be released soon.
A New Edition of the FINAL FANTASY Series is due out later this year.
AND
BUSH and CLINTON appear to be well on their way to represent their parties in the United States General election.
Again we ask WHAT YEAR IS IT?
Frothingslosh
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That would be 2015, although I would argue it's WAAAAAY too early to call Bush and Clinton as the likely nominees.
Dick7Access
Dick S
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I hope your right!!!
MSAccessRookie
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You get 1/2 credit. A quick Google search will show you that it could be 2015, but it also could be 1991. That's what makes it amusing.
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This Clinton's got a Bush...
Frothingslosh
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Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: Ransom
At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I
share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladies' room to
fill it with water.
Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying
some makeup. I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a
note under the door.
"You win," it read. "Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the
coffeepot."
At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I
share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladies' room to
fill it with water.
Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying
some makeup. I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a
note under the door.
"You win," it read. "Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the
coffeepot."
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How to measure a flag pole
Two Irishmen were standing at a flag pole looking up the height.
A blonde walks by and asked what they were doing. Paddy said, "We've got to get the height of the flag pole, but we havn’t got a ladder.
The blonde opened her bag and took out an adjustable spanner, removed the bolts and laid the flag pole down. Then she got her tape measure out of her pocket and took the measurement of the pole, she announced that it was 18'feet 6' inches. And she walked away.
Mick said to Paddy,"Isn't that just like a blonde, we needed the height and she gives us the bloody length"
Two Irishmen were standing at a flag pole looking up the height.
A blonde walks by and asked what they were doing. Paddy said, "We've got to get the height of the flag pole, but we havn’t got a ladder.
The blonde opened her bag and took out an adjustable spanner, removed the bolts and laid the flag pole down. Then she got her tape measure out of her pocket and took the measurement of the pole, she announced that it was 18'feet 6' inches. And she walked away.
Mick said to Paddy,"Isn't that just like a blonde, we needed the height and she gives us the bloody length"
A lady is out walking her dog when a man stops to talk.
"What's your dog's name?" he asks
"Achilles", replies the woman. "He does all kinds of tricks."
"Achilles, what a great name for a dog!"
He laughs to himself after a second and says "Hey, I just thought of something funny".
He looks at the dog and says "Achilles, heel!"
The dog doesn't react, it just stares at him.
"Oh" says the man. "That was...disappointing. I thought you said he does tricks."
"Not that one." she replies. "It's his one weak spot".
"What's your dog's name?" he asks
"Achilles", replies the woman. "He does all kinds of tricks."
"Achilles, what a great name for a dog!"
He laughs to himself after a second and says "Hey, I just thought of something funny".
He looks at the dog and says "Achilles, heel!"
The dog doesn't react, it just stares at him.
"Oh" says the man. "That was...disappointing. I thought you said he does tricks."
"Not that one." she replies. "It's his one weak spot".
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A pretty blonde woman asks her Cajun friend about where to find alligators because she wants a pair of alligator shoes. Her friend describes a place deep in the swamp. The blonde goes with her friend in a boat, goes out into the deepest, darkest, dankest part of the swamp, sees an alligator, and jumps in after it. She wrestles the alligator until she breaks its neck, brings the 9-foot gator in the boat, and then says, "Aw, damn!"
Two minutes later she sees another gator bigger than the first. In the water she goes, chokes this one to death, and brings it into the boat, but again says, "Darn the bad luck!"
This goes on for about two hours. Time after time, she brings gators in the boat, curses, and searches for another gator. Her friend tags the gators according to state law on gator hunting and watches incredulously as the blonde kills a 12-foot gator with her bare hands. She brings it into the boat, says "I've never had such bad luck," and sits dejectedly among a pile of at least a dozen huge gators.
Her friend says, "You know, this is the kind of hunting day that Cajuns only dream about and here you are, sad. What's wrong?"
The blonde says, "I've been wanting alligator shoes for the longest time, but every damned gator I've brought in has been barefoot."
Two minutes later she sees another gator bigger than the first. In the water she goes, chokes this one to death, and brings it into the boat, but again says, "Darn the bad luck!"
This goes on for about two hours. Time after time, she brings gators in the boat, curses, and searches for another gator. Her friend tags the gators according to state law on gator hunting and watches incredulously as the blonde kills a 12-foot gator with her bare hands. She brings it into the boat, says "I've never had such bad luck," and sits dejectedly among a pile of at least a dozen huge gators.
Her friend says, "You know, this is the kind of hunting day that Cajuns only dream about and here you are, sad. What's wrong?"
The blonde says, "I've been wanting alligator shoes for the longest time, but every damned gator I've brought in has been barefoot."
AnthonyGerrard
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Why did captain kirks wife have a turd on her head?
A:William shatner
A:William shatner
Rx_
Nothing In Moderation
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Everything from Facebook to Murder Rates in NYC.
The data we all help gather shows everything in the world is somehow related.
That is why they pay data people the big bucks. The data supports the IPO!!
The data we all help gather shows everything in the world is somehow related.
That is why they pay data people the big bucks. The data supports the IPO!!
Last edited:
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: Washing Machine
Grandma and Grandpa purchased a new front loading washer and dryer.
The grandchildren were impressed with all the "bells and whistles."
Grandma was looking for them one day. They had taken their little
chairs into the laundry room and were watching the clothes in the
washer and dryer.
When asked what they were doing they said, "We're watching the
laundry channel."
Grandma and Grandpa purchased a new front loading washer and dryer.
The grandchildren were impressed with all the "bells and whistles."
Grandma was looking for them one day. They had taken their little
chairs into the laundry room and were watching the clothes in the
washer and dryer.
When asked what they were doing they said, "We're watching the
laundry channel."
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