What's your best/worst joke?
- Thread starter Fornatian
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A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the System, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."
"This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it." .......
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."
"This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it." .......
ConnorGiles
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This actually made me laugh more than it should have.
Rx_
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Just because I am from Colorado, I don't need any more IM's about what I am getting you for Christmas.
But, it is true. The Girl Scouts building on Broadway became vacant. There is now a licensed Pot store there. I often wonder. With our bad economy if all the girl scouts graduated from college looking for work still sell brownies there?
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
----------------
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a big change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.
She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her international choice to an Australian Database Programmer.
After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."
He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!
[not intended to highlight anyone , but the whole kangaroo punch line wouldn't work otherwise]
But, it is true. The Girl Scouts building on Broadway became vacant. There is now a licensed Pot store there. I often wonder. With our bad economy if all the girl scouts graduated from college looking for work still sell brownies there?
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
----------------
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a big change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.
She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her international choice to an Australian Database Programmer.
After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."
He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!
[not intended to highlight anyone , but the whole kangaroo punch line wouldn't work otherwise]
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Dick7Access
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IDIOT SIGHTING #1
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece. She said: 'you gave me too much money.'
I said: 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so and he handed me back the 20 pence and said: 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at Mac D's.
IDIOT SIGHTING #2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said: 'Lady you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two'
We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , Nr Watford UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #3
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Potters Bar , Herts , UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimum lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From South Oxhey Herts , UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked: 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied: 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded: 'That's why we ask.'
Happened Luton Airport .... UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #6
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled she responded: 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex , UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #7
When my husband and I arrived at our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey' I announced to the Fitter/ Mechanic, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans,Hertfordshire UK .
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece. She said: 'you gave me too much money.'
I said: 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so and he handed me back the 20 pence and said: 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at Mac D's.
IDIOT SIGHTING #2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said: 'Lady you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two'
We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , Nr Watford UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #3
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Potters Bar , Herts , UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimum lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From South Oxhey Herts , UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked: 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied: 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded: 'That's why we ask.'
Happened Luton Airport .... UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #6
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled she responded: 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex , UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #7
When my husband and I arrived at our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey' I announced to the Fitter/ Mechanic, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans,Hertfordshire UK .
Two Women Have to Pee!
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers,
but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.
After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop.
My wife came home last night without her panties.
" "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said,
'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers,
but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.
After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop.
My wife came home last night without her panties.
" "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said,
'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
kevlray
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Dick7Access
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The sad part is that these people get to vote!
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We vote some of them in to office!
Dick7Access
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Yes, some of them over and over again. It's been a long time ago but some legislator in the US thought that if we did move some of the people on a certain island it might flip over.
ConnorGiles
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Well Played Veraloopy, Well Played 
Rx_
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New Human Species discovery: slowmosapien
You have already notice them. You are walking down a sidewalk or hallway. Suddenly there is this group (flock) of slow moving individuals. They clump together and prevent the rest of us from walking at normal speed.
Some of them stop to look at something in the narrow walkway parts. They can't walk two meters forward where it widens and stop. It must be the narrowpart or doorway. The others of thier kind then stop to look too.
They are very noticable at the top of of escallators, stairs or elevator entrances. You will notice them on your next lunch break.
For years, we suspected they were just clueless, rude, or Central Bankers. Now we realize it is genetic. It is just part of who they are and what they do.
You have already notice them. You are walking down a sidewalk or hallway. Suddenly there is this group (flock) of slow moving individuals. They clump together and prevent the rest of us from walking at normal speed.
Some of them stop to look at something in the narrow walkway parts. They can't walk two meters forward where it widens and stop. It must be the narrowpart or doorway. The others of thier kind then stop to look too.
They are very noticable at the top of of escallators, stairs or elevator entrances. You will notice them on your next lunch break.
For years, we suspected they were just clueless, rude, or Central Bankers. Now we realize it is genetic. It is just part of who they are and what they do.
Steve R.
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XKCD Cartoon. Are you coming to bed?
I can't. Someone is wrong on the internet.
There was a cartoon of a very emaciated unkempt guy at a workstation. His wife was standing by, he looks at her with very tired bloodshot eyes. He tells her: "Did it, I reached the end of the internet!!".
Unfortunately, I was unable to find the cartoon.
I can't. Someone is wrong on the internet.
There was a cartoon of a very emaciated unkempt guy at a workstation. His wife was standing by, he looks at her with very tired bloodshot eyes. He tells her: "Did it, I reached the end of the internet!!".
Unfortunately, I was unable to find the cartoon.
Rx_
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These words are useful to know when reading responses (answers) to Access-Programmers Forum Posting:
pontification pontificate (redirected from pontification)
1. to speak or behave in a pompous or dogmatic manner.
Examples: Any question on the best way to... (fill in the blank)
puntification puntificate (redirected from puntification)
1. to unexpectantly be required to authoritatively address a question one has little idea about or absolutely no prior knowledge of.....
Examples:
Access Question: Is it possible to re-write my APL Application into a Access DB?
Forum Answer: No, APL is a Write-Only lanugage.
punticipation
1. The feeling of wanting to take part in the answer using only the brilliance of your pun in response to the question.
Examples:
Access Question: Our Access programmer designing the chemical table died. Can anyone help me understand what is a Primary Key?
Forum Answer: That's sad... Where did they barium?
pontification pontificate (redirected from pontification)
1. to speak or behave in a pompous or dogmatic manner.
Examples: Any question on the best way to... (fill in the blank)
puntification puntificate (redirected from puntification)
1. to unexpectantly be required to authoritatively address a question one has little idea about or absolutely no prior knowledge of.....
Examples:
Access Question: Is it possible to re-write my APL Application into a Access DB?
Forum Answer: No, APL is a Write-Only lanugage.
punticipation
1. The feeling of wanting to take part in the answer using only the brilliance of your pun in response to the question.
Examples:
Access Question: Our Access programmer designing the chemical table died. Can anyone help me understand what is a Primary Key?
Forum Answer: That's sad... Where did they barium?
Dick7Access
Dick S
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Vice President Biden being interview about the Attorney General nominee “Loretta Lynch”, said he thinks she will make a good Attorney General, and besides she’s such a good singer, I especially like her song a “Coal Miners Daughter”.
ConnorGiles
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Gnome Shortage
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