What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

[Frothingslosh]

Jesus saves. Everyone else takes 10d6 damage.

 

[ConnorGiles]

D&D reference. Nice!

 

[Rx_]

After conducting a brief survey, it was determined that there were not enough jokes about the President of the US. There is a tradition here in the US. We elect the biggest joke so we can laugh at them.
Onward with our great traditions:

What kind of doctor do you need to fix Obamacare?
A URLologist

Q: How did Barack Obama propose to Michelle Robinson?
A: He got down on one knee and said "I don't wanna be Obama self.

Q: Did you hear about the reporter who asked Obama a hard question?
A: Neither have I!

Q: How can Barack Obama get the wealthy to pay their taxes?
A: By nominating them to a cabinent post!

"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation. " —Jay Leno​

"President Obama was very successful in his plans for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the wealthy, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, the Republican thought he was the REpublican candidate." –Jay Leno​

"The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four." —Jay Leno​

<tax time> "President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, J.P. Morgan Stanley -- all his personal dependents." --Jay Leno​

"The Nobel committee said he won for creating a new climate for international politics. "Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he's not too busy with the two wars he's conducting and the ones he is starting." –Bill Maher​

 

[Rx_]

Computer Programming formulas and data types matter.
One plus One equals Two - unless it is a very large value of Two.

 

[Rx_]

An Rx_ Fable or Bedtime stories so kids are prepared for the real world

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into an abandon Well.
The farmer should have taken more care to put a fence around that well for safety. But, he had put it off and now the donkey was at the bottom of this deep hole in the ground.

The animal cried piteously for days as The farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, the farmer decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;
It just wasn't worth the farmers time or money to retrieve the old donkey. Yes, the old donkey had worked hard. Had made the farmer life better and been a friend. But now, the farmer had to make a choice between the old donkey or spending money.

The farmer bought some beer and invited all his neighbors to come over to a party to help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel a nearby large pile of dried manure into the well.
At first, the old donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly at the though of being buried alive.
Then, to everyone's amazement the donkey quieted down.

Many shovel loads later, the farmer finally sat his beer down and looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of manure that hit the old donkey's back, the donkey was doing something amazing. he would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel the manure on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! The farmer of course took credit for this success.

Remember: Life is going to shovel manure on you, all kinds of manure. It doesn't matter how hard you worked or how dedicated you were. The trick to getting out of the hole is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest holes just by not stopping,
Never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. And, don't worry if someone else gets the credit.

Plan your Options:
After eating, the donkey went that night to wash his mouth in the septic tank. The donkey later came back that night now that every one else had gone, and bit the farmer who had neglected to keep him safe and then tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually slowly died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S STORY:

When you do something wrong, or neglect to do what is right and try to cover your ass, or write-off those who were dedicated to you:
It will usually comes back to bite you.

 

[Rx_]

My favorite brand of Bacon Bits:

Bill and Hillery Clinton go to Dinner: Image

I will never need a watch again

 

[Rx_]

A guy texts his neighbor:
Dear Keith : I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you.
I know it’s no excuse, but I don't get it at home.
I can't live with the guilt any longer.
I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again.

The neighbor, feeling outrage and betrayed, goes in to confront his wife.
She denies everything, he persist with the confrontation.

During the confrontation, the guy gets a second text:

Damn, I really should see what spell check auto-corrects before sending! That should be "wifi" not "wife" ... Sorry!

 

[Rx_]

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon
and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a
bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It's really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a
juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not
hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the
younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she
burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped
her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The
older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor
was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded.

"Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven
grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

[Dick7Access]

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

 

[Dick7Access]

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?


Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door.



At this point the husband started choking up and sniffing
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

 

[Rx_]

Modern IT Department Philosophy:
Hello, I have no clue about your business problems, I have only a vague idea about your information needs. I don't know what your data means. I have no time or budget for new projects.
Naturally, I believe that Access databases and Excel spreadsheets are the Devil's spawn.
Now, how may our IT Department Serve You?
********************************
For the fellow investors out there:

Investment advice and investors are like eggs and bacon at breakfast.
The Chicken was involved, but the pig was committed.

******* Investment Proverbs ********

• When buying shares, ask yourself, would you buy the whole company? (Rene Rivkin)
  
• A correction takes place to determine which investments are the tennis balls and which are the eggs.
  You want to own the things that bounce, as in tennis balls, and not in eggs. (William Berger)
  
• Most people ignore probabilities and exaggerate risk. (Ralph Wagner)
  
• The time of maximum pessimism is the best time to buy and the time of maximum optimism is the best time to sell. (John Templeton)
  
• A market is the combined behavior of thousands of people responding to information, misinformation, and whim. (Kenneth Chang)
  
• The key to making money in stocks is not to get scared out of them. (Peter Lynch)
  
• An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. (Benjamin Franklin)
  
• Those who are unwilling to invest in the future haven’t earned one. (H.W. Lewis)
  
• Successful investing is anticipating the anticipation of others. (John Maynard Keynes)
  
• The market does not trade upon what everybody knows, but upon what those with the best information can foresee. (William Hamilton)
  
• Diversify your investments. (John Templeton)
  
• The four most dangerous words in investing are “This time, its different”. (John Templeton)
  
• It’s far better to buy a wonderful company at a fair price than a fair company at a wonderful price. (Warren Buffett)
  
• Never invest in any idea you can’t illustrate with a crayon. (Peter Lynch)
  
• Don’t invest your money on the advice of a poor man. (Spain)
  
• Never bet on the end of the world. It only happens once. (Art Cashin)
  
• Fallible emotional people determine price; cold hard cash determines value. (Christopher C. Davis)
  
• We simply attempt to be fearful when others are greedy and greedy only when others are fearful. (Warren Buffett)
  
• Time in the market is more important than timing the market. (Unknown)
  
• Goodness is the only investment that never fails. (Henry David Thoreau)
  
• An investor without investment objectives is like a traveler without a destination. (Ralph Seger)

 

[Rx_]

Thought this had to be a joke. Looks like someone in Australia is making a living off of this. Was wondering if it is just Australia of if there are other places?
Then, I remembered one here in Denver, Colorado. (The high altitude keeps them from flying away?)
I always wanted to be a Rancher. Did not think I could afford the acres to support a Ranch.
Perhaps my concept of ranching should fit this mail order model?
Australia: http://www.ozinsects.com/
Denver: https://www.butterflies.org/

 

[Dick7Access]

Remember what Jesus said: 'Goats on the left, sheep on the right' (Matthew 25:33).
Also read, Matthew 25:34 and Matthew 25:41
​

Jesus also told Peter that if he wanted to catch fish do it from the right side of the boat. They did and filled the boat with fish.

John 21:6 (NIV) ... He said, "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some." When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish."

Origin of Left & Right...

I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the "right" and Liberals are called the "left".

By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible: Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) - "The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left."

Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen.
It surely can't get any simpler than that.

Spelling Lesson :

The last four letters in American.......... I Can
The last four letters in Republican........ I Can
The last four letters in Democrats......... Rats

End of lesson ! ....Test to follow on November 6, 2016 .

Remember, November 2016 is to be set aside as rodent removal month.

Please share this Bible Lesson with all your friends and email buddies to help achieve that goal

 

[kevlray]

Of course not to take anything away from what Dick7Access said, but in the Middle Ease. The left hand was considered dirty at all time because that is the hand that was used to wipe after going (do not want to get too graphic here). I heard that is why left-handed people where not welcomes much years ago.

 

[Rx_]

Thanks Dick, for the great analysis. You really got me thinking about how many times words appear and what the end result actually means.

So, I did my own analysis using the Point Cloud map of the Bible.
It would determine if the Bible finds the concept of the Left to be more valid than your ideas. So, I used the same methodology.
The Results (Attached) were truly eye opening.

Thanks for sharing the verses to make an implied point. Here are some of my favorites:
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the banks of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard through out the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in services in a Volkswagon.
We are pressed in every way, but cramped beyond movement.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchnezzar, he was on grass for 7 years.

Q. Where is the first Baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the Big Inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second,
Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodial son came home.
The Giants and Angels were rained out.

Q. Why won't we drink milk in the new world?
A. Because, at Armageddon, there will be utter destruction.

(Dick, please remember this is the Joke Forum)

 

[Dick7Access]

Thanks Dick, for the great analysis. You really got me thinking about how many times words appear and what the end result actually means.

So, I did my own analysis using the Point Cloud map of the Bible.
It would determine if the Bible finds the concept of the Left to be more valid than your ideas. So, I used the same methodology.
The Results (Attached) were truly eye opening.

Thanks for sharing the verses to make an implied point. Here are some of my favorites:
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the banks of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard through out the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in services in a Volkswagon.
We are pressed in every way, but cramped beyond movement.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchnezzar, he was on grass for 7 years.

Q. Where is the first Baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the Big Inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second,
Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodial son came home.
The Giants and Angels were rained out.

Q. Why won't we drink milk in the new world?
A. Because, at Armageddon, there will be utter destruction.

(Dick, please remember this is the Joke Forum)

Amen,and Amen. I thought it was great. Of course it will lead me to plagiarism.

 

[Dick7Access]

Doctor: "Your shins have some nasty bruises. Do you play hockey or soccer?"
Patient: "Nope. My wife and I play bridge."

 

[Dick7Access]

A PAIN FUNNY


Hypochondriac: "I have a terrible pain in my left side. I think it's appendicitis!"


Doctor: "No, that can't be. The appendix is on the right side."
"So THAT'S why it hurts so much! My appendix is on the wrong side!"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: New Online Service

There's a new online service that allows you to use Facebook,
Twitter, e-mail, surf the Web and read all the news in one place.

That one place is called "work."

 

[burrina]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'