What's your best/worst joke?

[kevlray]

I try not to count the number of dumb things I do (a day). I am not sure I can count that high

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Gambling

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one
that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."

So, I call them and say, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer
has a seven. What do I do?"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Rattlesnakes

My husband was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a
ball into the rough. As he headed for the brush to find his ball, the
chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting
assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," my husband replied in astonishment.
"People actually call the fire department to help them with
rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"

 

[Mtoney76]

What do you call an Alligator in a vest? an Investigator!

 

[AccessBlaster]

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on your breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said: 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday.'

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Tofu Recipes

A well-dressed man approached a woman at a health food store and in a
clipped British accent asked her exactly what she did with the tofu
in her basket.

She said she normally puts it in the refrigerator, looks at it for
several weeks and then throws it away.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Cooking Terms

Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses
the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and
fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly
the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a
dish the dog won't eat.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since
children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an
amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before
cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is
put in, as well as when it is removed.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of
meat and poultry.

Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle
of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the
cooking compartment.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by
the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

 

[Dick7Access]

[FONT=&quot]Subject: DOG FOR SALE[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]DOG FOR SALE[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]A guy is driving in rural Alabama and he sees a sign in front of a tired old house with lots of deferred maintenance: 'Talking Dog For Sale'[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'You talk?' he asks.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he lies more than Hillary; He's never been out of the back yard'.[/FONT]











[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

 

[Rx_]

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line."

This Day In History:
"God please grant me chastity, but not just yet."
- St. Augustine

One for the Brits
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Walton hospital in Liverpool and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I really hope you get better, too."

 

[Rx_]

Innovation - American Style
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says," Grandpa, Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
"Grandpa, Grandpa you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma.

 

[AccessBlaster]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 30 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

 

[Rx_]

Once upon a time, a man appear

Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $5 each.
The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $5 each and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He then announced that he would buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon, the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $75 each! However, since he had to go to the big city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.
The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. While he is gone, I will sell them to you at $35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them back to him for $75."
The excited poor villagers rounded up all their savings, took loans against their homes and bought all the monkeys for $250,000 dollars.
They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys! Then the bankers showed up to take possession the homes of those who couldn't pay. The villagers are homeless living with the monkeys.
Now you have a better understanding of how the
CENTRAL BANK STIMULUS works with WALL STREET !!!

 

[Dick7Access]

Once upon a time, a man appear

Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $5 each.
The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $5 each and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He then announced that he would buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon, the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $75 each! However, since he had to go to the big city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.
The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. While he is gone, I will sell them to you at $35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them back to him for $75."
The excited poor villagers rounded up all their savings, took loans against their homes and bought all the monkeys for $250,000 dollars.
They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys! Then the bankers showed up to take possession the homes of those who couldn't pay. The villagers are homeless living with the monkeys.
Now you have a better understanding of how the
CENTRAL BANK STIMULUS works with WALL STREET !!!

Excellent Amen

 

[The_Doc_Man]

The problem is that the folks living with the monkeys figured they were doing such a bad job at taking care of the monkeys (and themselves) that they elected the monkeys to represent them. And that, my friends, is how our current set of congressmen got into office.

 

[Frothingslosh]

You know, I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure there are better places for discussion of politics than a 'Share your best joke' thread.

Hell, I'm pretty sure there's an entire subforum here dedicated to politics.

 

[kevlray]

You know, I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure there are better places for discussion of politics than a 'Share your best joke' thread.

Hell, I'm pretty sure there's an entire subforum here dedicated to politics.

Monkeys and politics. There has be a joke in there somewhere.

 

[Frothingslosh]

Monkeys and politics. There has be a joke in there somewhere.

Considering that POTUS is black, there are a LOT of jokes along that line.

Over on Stormfront.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

I'm not racially prejudiced. I don't care that Obama is black. But ... he IS a Democrat.

 

[kevlray]

Now wait a minute, I sure there some fine Democrats out there. Now if I could just think of one