What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

[Frothingslosh]

Welp, guess I'm done with this thread. Knock yourselves out.

 

[Tieval]

I started watching Orange is the New Black but gave up when I realised it wasn't about Trump taking over from Obama

 

[Brianwarnock]

One for the Brits
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Walton hospital in Liverpool and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I really hope you get better, too."

I know this is a little late but not having been on for a while I'm catching up, it's just that I don't think the man in Liverpool would have said "really"

Brian

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Then there was the terrible accident that, during a political conference, caused Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Donald Trump to die at the same time. Well, politicians are always suspected of wrong-doing in life so when they go before God, they get extra scrutiny. Since Barack, Hillary, and Donald had all died at once, they all appeared before God at once.

So, God tells them all, "We are interested in what you thing about good deeds and charity. Where should we put you?"

Barack Obama gives a speech about how he has helped the poor people with many programs to reduce poverty and to give dignity to the fallen people. God is moved by his speech and says, "You may take that chair to my right."

Hillary Clinton gives a speech about how she has championed the down-trodden people by fighting for their rights and equality as a means of ennoblement. God is moved by her speech and says, "You may take that chair to my left."

God turns towards Donald Trump and says, "You have heard their comments. What do YOU think?" Donald answers, "I think you are sitting in my chair."

 

[Dick7Access]

New regulation for wording on maturity room doors. Instead of "MATURITY ROOM" It will now say "PUSH, PUSH, PUSH"

I wonder if I will be called sexist?

 

[kevlray]

I think you mean Maternity????

 

[Dick7Access]

I think you mean Maternity????

darn spell checkers, they never use what I want, only what I tell it to do?

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

Don't change it! It's funny!

Sent from my SM-G925F using Tapatalk

 

[Dick7Access]

Don't change it! It's funny!

Sent from my SM-G925F using Tapatalk

Come to think of it, they say when a women comes out of the Maternity ward, she has matured a bit.

 

[Dick7Access]

I had a dream I was run over by a tractor trailer. When I woke up I was stuck under my bed!!!

 

[CJ_London]

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f**k off."

 

[The Cavalry]

I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls.
They're so full of themselves.

 

[NadiaVKhan]

These are.... interesting

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

My favorite Funny Programming Video:-

https://youtu.be/csyL9EC0S0c

Yes Programming can be amusing!

Do you need a Penis to understand Computers?

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[AccessBlaster]

We are in deep trouble...The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government. Which leaves 20 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people
in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me. And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, screwing around on FaceBook!!!
Nice. Real nice...
DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING?!!

 

[Superlegoboy]

Why did the elephants get kicked off the beach?
They swam with their trunks down.

 

[kevlray]

Good timing for me. The ad for the previous joke has an elephant sitting on a bench with some balloons looking out a window (kinda like it got banned from the beach).

 

[NauticalGent]

Did you hear about the constipated accountants - he worked it out with a pencil...

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Ohh, Gent, that hurts thinking about it. But in the process of working it out with a pencil, did he also get the lead out?