Dick7Access
Dick S
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What's your best/worst joke?
- Thread starter Fornatian
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It probably belongs in its own thread, but Harvey Weinstein pretty much killed his career and opened the floodgates for accusations of sexual misconduct on the casting couch. Bill Cosby is another case where there's a lot of smoke, probably was some fire, but the cinders are so old that it's hard to tell.
Dick7Access
Dick S
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IMHO: It is a clear case of desiring power. If it was just sex he wanted he could have bought as much as he could handle.
What say others.
Here I go getting away from humor! Shame on me!
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Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
A Brunette, by the way!!
A Brunette, by the way!!
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Then there was the guy out hunting with his friend. It was his first time to go out in the wild like that and he came unprepared. After walking around a bit, he had to relieve himself. He finished but yelled to his friend, "What do I use to wipe up the aftermath?"
The friend yelled back "Use a dollar."
A couple of minutes later the new guy comes back with an angry expression. His friend says, "What's got YOU riled up?"
The newbie says, "Now I've got four quarters up my butt and my hand is covered with crap."
The friend yelled back "Use a dollar."
A couple of minutes later the new guy comes back with an angry expression. His friend says, "What's got YOU riled up?"
The newbie says, "Now I've got four quarters up my butt and my hand is covered with crap."
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A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says,'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says,'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'
NauticalGent
Ignore List Poster Boy
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You coul apply that to our latest debacle and the punch line would be Hillary Clinton...
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: Natural Laws
"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people. They have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"Barnes' Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That
person must be fired.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.
"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Berg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the
first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people. They have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"Barnes' Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That
person must be fired.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.
"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Berg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the
first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
Orthodox Dave
Home Developer
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This is for the oldies:
A couple of gentlemen of a certain age are sitting in the garden together at one of their houses, while their wives are in the kitchen preparing lunch.
The host says to the visitor, "You know, my wife and I had a marvellous meal in a new restaurant just opened in town - I'd thoroughly recommend it - good food, excellent service and reasonable prices."
The visitor asks "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The host is stumped for a minute, "What's its name, what's its name hmmm." Then he asks "Oh I know - what is that flower that all women like to get?"
"No idea. Pansies?"
"No ... they are usually red."
"Er ... poppies?"
"No no no - er - they've got thorns in the stem."
"Roses?
"Yes that's it" says the host. And turning towards the kitchen he shouts:-
"Rose! What's the name of that restaurant?"
A couple of gentlemen of a certain age are sitting in the garden together at one of their houses, while their wives are in the kitchen preparing lunch.
The host says to the visitor, "You know, my wife and I had a marvellous meal in a new restaurant just opened in town - I'd thoroughly recommend it - good food, excellent service and reasonable prices."
The visitor asks "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The host is stumped for a minute, "What's its name, what's its name hmmm." Then he asks "Oh I know - what is that flower that all women like to get?"
"No idea. Pansies?"
"No ... they are usually red."
"Er ... poppies?"
"No no no - er - they've got thorns in the stem."
"Roses?
"Yes that's it" says the host. And turning towards the kitchen he shouts:-
"Rose! What's the name of that restaurant?"
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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the Hardware Store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he realized he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much, that's very creative' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he says 'Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, adjust my skirt, and have your wicked way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy Smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the Hardware Store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he realized he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much, that's very creative' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he says 'Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, adjust my skirt, and have your wicked way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy Smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
Rx_
Nothing In Moderation
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At the risk of being accused of advertising on this site:
Technology Today announced the new innovation for Amazon.
This seems to me more real than Drone delivery or other innovations.
Unlike the standard Amazon Web pages today, it will provide customers to be immersed in a 3D experience of the products for sale!
They have a code name for this new release.
Amazon is going to call it a "Store".
Technology Today announced the new innovation for Amazon.
This seems to me more real than Drone delivery or other innovations.
Unlike the standard Amazon Web pages today, it will provide customers to be immersed in a 3D experience of the products for sale!
They have a code name for this new release.
Amazon is going to call it a "Store".
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Younger Generation on Marriage
Dearest Dad,
I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am presently living in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland . We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.
Lots of love and thanks.
Your favorite daughter,
Lilly
DAD'S RESPONSE:
My Dearest Lilly,
Like Wow! Really? Cool!
I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have a honeymoon on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.
Love,
Your Dad
Dearest Dad,
I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am presently living in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland . We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.
Lots of love and thanks.
Your favorite daughter,
Lilly
DAD'S RESPONSE:
My Dearest Lilly,
Like Wow! Really? Cool!
I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have a honeymoon on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.
Love,
Your Dad
Orthodox Dave
Home Developer
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Good one CJ!
SterlingKnight
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The thing is my best and worst jokes are too explicit for any forum! 
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: In Court ...
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the
definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional
killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate
influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as
when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising' position."
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the
jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my
husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no
idea that I could have shot him."
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the
definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional
killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate
influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as
when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising' position."
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the
jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my
husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no
idea that I could have shot him."
Dick7Access
Dick S
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A PASTRY FUNNY
On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.
The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.
The Englishman says to the Scotsman: "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"
The Scotsman says to the Englishman: "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."
He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie..."
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?"
The Scotsman says: "Look in the Englishman's pocket!"
On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.
The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.
The Englishman says to the Scotsman: "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"
The Scotsman says to the Englishman: "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."
He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie..."
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?"
The Scotsman says: "Look in the Englishman's pocket!"
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: Evening Classes for Men
OPEN TO MEN ONLY - ALL ARE WELCOME
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each
class will accept a maximum of eight participants. The
classes cover two days, and topics covered include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step-by-step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE - DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR
DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning
the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS - DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH - BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS - BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR SPOUSE
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or smart phone to class
GETTING OVER IT
Learning how to live with being wrong all the time,
OPEN TO MEN ONLY - ALL ARE WELCOME
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each
class will accept a maximum of eight participants. The
classes cover two days, and topics covered include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step-by-step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE - DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR
DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning
the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS - DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH - BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS - BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR SPOUSE
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or smart phone to class
GETTING OVER IT
Learning how to live with being wrong all the time,
AccessBlaster
Registered User.
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