What's your best/worst joke?

[The_Doc_Man]

Wow, a new sharing strategy. I love it!

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[isladogs]

Especially when you remember they were in the year below you...

 

[CJ_London]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from New Zealand reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Australian started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Aussie replied, 'These are Carols.'

 

[NauticalGent]

Good one CJ! I am getting a lot of mileage with it at work. Still laughing...

 

[SJS66]

How do chimpanzees make toast?

Put it under the gorilla!

Did you hear about the bloke who fell into the upholstery machine?

After they got him out he was fully recovered!

Sorry if already posted. So many jokes to review. Have a safe 2018!

 

[Leo_Coroneos]

"Did you hear about the movie, 'Constipated'?"
"No..."
"That's because it hasn't come out yet!"

 

[jleach]

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it.


One day an angel came down and stood in front of two bronze statues, male and female, nude and facing each other, and proceeded to explain: "you two have been such exemplary statues, here for so many years, without complaint, that I will grant you one hour as humans to go do as you wish." The angel then granted this boon as promised, and the newly humanized male and female nude statues immediately grinned and ran off into a nearby copse of trees, where there followed giggling, laughter and much shaking of leaves.

Some time later, the two statues emerged, grinning ear to ear, walking back to their post, when the angel said "but, you still have half an hour left! Is there nothing else you would like to do?" To which the statues brightened even more, turned to each other excitedly and one said to the other "this time you can hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head!"

 

[AccessBlaster]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

 

[NauticalGent]

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: “What is your name?”
Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”
Businessman: “Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes
Benz?”
Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”
Businessman: “How close?”
Flight Attendant: “Same price".

 

[Mark_]

You do know that Mercedes make great taxi's... reasonable fairs to.

Not sure how being able to rent by the km/mile would play into this joke though, maybe something about a "mile high club"?

 

[CJ_London]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[NauticalGent]

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE
drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking
advantage of the system.....getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to
escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather
awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ........ you started it."

 

[Frothingslosh]

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE
drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking
advantage of the system.....getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to
escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather
awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ........ you started it."

Too bad that joke relies on prejudice and a complete lack of knowledge about how welfare works, who is on it, and why.

Otherwise it might be funny. To someone who has never had to rely on welfare.

What next, black jokes? Maybe Mexican jokes? They're always good for a laugh, right?

 

[NauticalGent]

Lighten up FS, jeez.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Frothy, the theory of that kind of humor ABSOLUTELY relies on the absurdity of the situation. Whether in the set-up, the build-up, or the blow-off - SOMETHING must be absurd for a joke to work.

Puns? Can get by with clever word-play, synonyms, homonyms, and double-entendres.

Shaggy dog stories? Absolutely need to be divorced from reality SOMEWHERE.

You're a good guy, Frothy, but sometimes you get wound up a bit too tightly. No offense intended.

 

[NauticalGent]

Thanks Doc, as ever you have the unparalleled ability to eloquently state what I could only make gestures and grunt.

But, I am totally willing to be objective. If anyone finds this offensive, feel free to report it. If the Mods agree, they can take it down and I will go forth and sin no m... well, maybe not as much.

 

[Frothingslosh]

Lighten up FS, jeez.

Then don't make jokes slamming people on government assistance. It's not hard.

And it's NOT harmless - it reinforces the false narrative that people receiving governmental assistance are lazy and uninterested in working for a living, which is, in turn, the reason so many of America's more conservative citizens give for eliminating government assistance. The fact is that the more someone is exposed to the same idea over time, the more they tend to take that idea as 'gospel'.

Also, without going into details, that joke was an insult to me, my family and a number of my friends growing up. Not everyone had a middle class childhood.

 

[NauticalGent]

What a tool. No wonder this forum enjoys using you as a punching bag.

 

[NauticalGent]

Popular quote from Flint, Mi:

Girl, you’re like the water in Flint...you got me all wet but then lead me on!