What's your best/worst joke? (4 Viewers)

[The_Doc_Man]

I remember the "gimmick" movies. Macabre was one with its "insurance" policy. The Tingler was another. As I recall, for The Tingler, certain seats in the theater would be wired with buzzers (about like setting a cell phone on "vibrate" mode.) At the appropriate moment (when the eponymous creature would escape, some seats would suddenly buzz and some unlucky soul would shriek.

As I recall, it was no worse of a "schlock horror" film than any other one of that time period. And Vincent Price was SUCH a wonderful villian, so oily and smooth... No wonder Micheal Jackson had him do the "monster rap" in Thriller.

 

[Yianni]

Congratulations! You have me by 1. I have 1 granddaughter and 1 grandson. They are great to be with. Playing games we haven't played in 30-40 years. Old fashion Monopoly etc.

 

[Dick7Access]

I remember the "gimmick" movies. Macabre was one with its "insurance" policy. The Tingler was another. As I recall, for The Tingler, certain seats in the theater would be wired with buzzers (about like setting a cell phone on "vibrate" mode.) At the appropriate moment (when the eponymous creature would escape, some seats would suddenly buzz and some unlucky soul would shriek.

As I recall, it was no worse of a "schlock horror" film than any other one of that time period. And Vincent Price was SUCH a wonderful villian, so oily and smooth... No wonder Micheal Jackson had him do the "monster rap" in Thriller.

Hey Doc,
Heading your way next thursday, on my way to TX
BTW are you one of the guys that burnt some of my Navy Records?<GRIN>

 

[Yianni]

If it is appropriate, you may post it.

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona . They
turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come
on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again
saying,"That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good
as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're
waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price..."

 

[Dick7Access]

Congratulations! You have me by 1. I have 1 granddaughter and 1 grandson. They are great to be with. Playing games we haven't played in 30-40 years. Old fashion Monopoly etc.

Yes, I went out with my grandkids for Halloween. We did what I did as a kid. We went door to door saying "Cash or Crash." <G>

 

[Dick7Access]

Do you belong to the same club I do.
ROMEO club
Retired Old Men Eating Out!

 

[The_Doc_Man]

I don't belong with the ROMEO crowd but my stepson hangs out with some older guys from his job who go by that name.

Dick - passing through or staying over?

 

[Dick7Access]

I don't belong with the ROMEO crowd but my stepson hangs out with some older guys from his job who go by that name.

Dick - passing through or staying over?

Unfortunately just passing thru. I usually stop in Slidell, but I have a meeting in New Port Richey on wed. and have to be in Vidor, TX by Fri. We will have to get together one of these years.

When did Navy records have a fire in New Orleans. How many years ago?

 

[The_Doc_Man]

I'm not even sure I recall such an incident. But where I worked, we had no such fire. Our shop was all concrete and steel, though. The only thing burning was our ears when folks talked about us.

 

[CJ_London]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

...
...
...

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

 

[CJ_London]

A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation.

So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided. "We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".

There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing. "Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet", they reply.

So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for.

"It doesn't really matter", they say, "so long as they fit in the cannon".

 

[The_Doc_Man]

One day at a big library, Satan walks in. He's in full demonic display, complete with bat wings, tail, talons, hooves, red skin, horns from the forehead, forked tongue, and a neatly tailored goatee. Everyone looks up. Within seconds, they are streaming out of the building, screaming at the top of their lungs.

Satan shrugs and heads for a long hallway with lots of chairs and reading lamps. In no time at all, the hallway is empty as people run screaming. The next two rooms? Same story. Everyone runs.

Finally, Old Scratch enters a large, quiet room and coughs. Again, people run screaming - except for one old man. Satan walks up to him and clears his throat. The old man looks up. Satan says, "Everyone left when I walked in. Everyone except you. Don't you fear me?"

The old man says, "Fear you? For the last forty years I've been married to your sister."

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[NauticalGent]

Robot Lie Detector
Guy buys a robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
He asks Johnny what he did that afternoon.

Johnny says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps Johnny.

Johnny says, "okay. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
His Dad asks, "what movie did you watch?"
Johnny says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps Johnny.
Johnny says, "okay, we were watching porn."
His Dad says, "What?* At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps his Dad.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps his mother.

Robot for sale...

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[CJ_London]

On a winter's day.........…

8:00 am I made a snowman.

8:10 am A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 am So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 am My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 am The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 am The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 am The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 am I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 am The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa.

8:40 am The Police arrive saying someone has been offended.

8:42 am The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 am The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 am TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 am I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 am I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.

9:29 am Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live today and it is going to get worse.

 

[ColinEssex]

Did you know most Americans pray before eating?

Can you imagine praying 18 times a day?

Col

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

"Lion Tamer Wanted"

A young man went to the circus with his mother. As they walked towards the big top, passing the Winnebagos and paraphernalia that accompanies a circus he noticed a sign on one of the trailers which said "lion tamer wanted". You go on ahead mum, he said I'm going to see about this job! He knocked on the door and was greeted by an elderly gentleman who asked him what he wanted? He said I'm applying for the lion tamer job! Ah! wonderful said the chap, the jobs still open. I've done it for many years but I'm just getting too long in the tooth. What's involved? Asked the young man? Well there's nothing too complicated, said the older guy. I can teach you everything you need to know but really there's nothing to teach. The Lions are so well trained they know exactly what to do, you just crack the whip and they will climb up on the podium. Crack it twice and they will raise their paws and roar! They can really put on a good show. But is it safe? said the young man? It's perfectly safe said the wise old man. But what if one of the Lions comes towards me said that young guy? Well just crack your whip and it'll back off... Yes but what if that doesn't work? Well then you hold up the chair, they are terrified of the chair. Yes but you know there must be some knack to it, I mean I can't see a whip and a chair protecting me. What if a lion just keeps on coming at me? What do I do? Well you'll be perfectly safe, they have never attacked anyone. But just say, what if I crack the whip and the lion keeps coming and I wave the chair at the Lion and it still keeps coming what do I do then? Well you pick up some shit and throw it in its face... But what if there's no shit? Oh don't worry, there definitely will be!

 

[CJ_London]

A friend of mine is a real life lion tamer. He trains them and plenty of other animals from insects to giraffes for film, commercials etc. Has his own studio so the animals don't have to travel

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

There's this spiritual teacher I have found very helpful - Eckhart Tolle - One of the reasons I find him very helpful is his brilliant grasp of comedy. In this video clip he talks about the time he lost his meditative state and was irritated by a check out cashier - https://youtu.be/v7W7PoYg4C8?t=5m59s