What's your best/worst joke? (3 Viewers)

[NauticalGent]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.”
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[adrianscotter]

Why do husbands die before their wife?

Answer in a minute...

 

[adrianscotter]

Ahhhh.. so THAT'S how you do it... BRB

 

[adrianscotter]

So, having cut those pesky antenna's off...

Who DO husbands die before their wife?

Because they WANT TO!

 

[CJ_London]

A man was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a guy sitting at a card table with a bunch of ties laid out on it.

The man asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?".

He replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."

The man replied, "I don't want a tie, I need water."

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The man thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later he came crawling back to where the guy was sitting behind his card table.

The guy said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The man rasped, "I found it all right .............



But they wouldn't let me in without a tie."

 

[deletedT]

Just saw this on twitter:

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

I'm a Jordan Peterson fan, and I recall he had something to say about this brilliant film Groundhog Day!

 

[AccessBlaster]

Every time is on I have to watch just a few moments before I start to chuckle.

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

Groundhog Day: 2018

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Perhaps in early 2021, the Democrats will wake up and realize they are replaying their worst day ever. Groundhog day on a national scale. What a strange and yet somehow delicious thought.

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Now we need to distribute that report to the Democrats after the Iowa caucus turned out to be SUCH a disaster.

 

[Deleted member 147267]

I gave my wife an engraved bracelet for Valentine's Day.
She gave me a black eye in return.

Anybody want to buy a bracelet engraved with "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" ?

 

[NauticalGent]

A weathered, old cowboy walked into a barbershop one day. He told the barber, “I can’t get all these whiskers off anymore. My face is too wrinkled from years out in the sun.”

The barber reached over and picked up a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf. The barber told the old cowboy, “put this in your mouth and press it up against your cheek with your tongue to spread out the skin.”

After the barber had finished his shave, the old cowboy he felt of his now whisker free cheek, and smiled. He told the barber, “That was the cleanest shave I’ve had in years.” He paused for a moment and then said, “I do have one question though. What would have happened if I had accidentally swallowed that little ball?”

The barber replied, “Everything comes out in the end. You would have just brought it back in a few days like everyone else has.”

 

[adrianscotter]

I know that barber!!!

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[The_Doc_Man]

OK, just to comply with the video creator's request, that song was a parody of the theme song from the USA Western Post-Civil War TV show "Branded" starring Chuck Conners.

 

[AccessBlaster]

Watched those shows as a kid. My wife met Chuck Connors at the palm springs airport when she was a teenager