What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

If this is the worst, what do I win (I'm fairy confident as you'll see why)?


While passing a farm during his leisurly Sunday drive, a man spied a pig in the farm yard and lo and behold! this pig had a wooden leg.

"Why on earth would anyone put a peg leg on a pig?" he mused. He just had to know, so he pulled up to the farm house. The farmer came out to greet him.

"Good day, sir. I was driving by and noticed you have a pig with a wooden leg. I just have to know why anyone would do this."

"W'al" drawled the farmer, "that'd be Bonnie. She's special, that's fer shur."

"OK, but why does she have a wooden leg?" asked the man.

"W'al, one day lil' Bobby fell down in the well. Bonnie came to th' hawse all a-squealin and a-snortin and we knew sumthin had tuh be wrong so we follered her outside 'n she led us tuh the well. Bonnie done saved our little Bobby."

"Okaaay..." said the man. "but why the wooden leg."

"W'al one day Big Joe was plowin' the field and the tractor done flipped over and pinned him good. Bonnie came to th' hawse all a-squealin and a-snortin and we knew sumthin had tuh be wrong so we follered her out tuh Big Joe and we got him out. Bonnie done saved our Big Joe."

With a hint of exasperation in his raised voice the man said "Right! Now why does she have a wooden leg for Pete's sake?"

"W'al...one nat when we wuz a a-sleepin the house caught on far. They was smoke everywhar but we din't know cuz we wuz a-sleepin. Bonnie ran around the house like a crazy pole cat, a-squealin and a-snortin and woke us all up. We knew sumthin had tuh be wrong so we all got up and saw th' far and escaped. She done saved all ar lives."

By now the man was completely exasperated.

"Good Lord, man! I've listened to your stories and asked you 3 times why the pig has a wooden leg and you still haven't told me."

"W'al" drawls the farmer, "I 'spected you'd figure it out after the first story but I s'pose you caint cuz yer a city slicker. A special pig like that ya don't eat all at once!"

:D
 
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CJ, good poster. The theists among us (I'm not one) might add "Not only that, but it is harder to climb a stair than it is to walk along a highway." Just 'cause I'm no longer much on religion doesn't mean I forgot what I learned when I still believed.
 
Doc, what a horrible thing to say! Walking down the highway... I never!

They'd be bused down the highway. Walking would be dangerous!
 
Given the destination, I think the traffic would be the least of their worries if they believed in it at all.
 
Most common response at last G20 Economic Summit:
"That's what Xi Said"

Love is Grand.
Divorce is 100 Grand.

His friend was dating a girl from the city zoo. He thinks she is a keeper.

He had the IQ of 122. That is equal to the IQ of 122 P.E. Economics Major graduates.
 
The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop and asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?” "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. He apologises and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! Nobody knows more about wasps than I do. There is no way that the sounds on that record were made by European ones!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir ............
It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
 
Eddie and his wife June are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Heineken and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks June. 'They're on sale, only £25 for 24 cans,' Eddie replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further along June picks up a £50 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks Eddie.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Heineken and it's half the price.'



Eddie is expected out of hospital next month
 
With all the talk of moon landings got to thinking...what might it be like to have sex on the Moon? I mean the gravity is different.

For that matter what might it be like to have sex on Mars? Would that be different to the moon?

Then again how about sex on Uranus?
 
That one doesn't work because it's yoor-an-us, or perhaps more like yoor-in-us.
 
The college math department had renovations. The geometry class was moved to the soccer field house. Its January and a full blown snow storm is in. several freshman wake up late, they think the class is across the street and don't bring a coat, runs to his class to find a sign about the relocation across the campus at the field house.
The professor is beginning the three hour lecture. A student comes through the door shivering and teeth chattering. The professor looks at him and says,
Go Stand In the Corner!
Not long after another freshman comes through the door in the same situation, and the professor again orders him Go Stand in the Corner.
Soon after, the 4th freshman pops in and receives the same treatment.
One of the students on the front row raises his hand to ask what is going on?
The professor tells him that it is obvious these students are chilled.

We all know the corners are ninety degrees.
 
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I kissed a girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months holiday and five good leads..."
 
Just west of Austin Texas, a van for a travelling circus broke down and was parked on the side of the interstate. A State trooper rolled up and was greeted by the peculiar sight of three performers, on unicycles, practicing their coordinated juggling. As he stood there in amazement watching these skilled performers toss golf clubs, torches, and a chainsaw back and forth between themselves, he noticed an old pickup truck come up and park behind his cruiser.

To his amazement, the driver of the pickup got out, shuffled somewhat unsteadily to the back of his cruiser, and proceeded to get into the back of the car.

Being the astute officer he was, he proceeded to go up to the now closed door and tap of the winder. The disheveled looking man looked up at him morosely.

“Can you answer me this?” asked the office, “What are you doing in the back of my car?”

“Well officer” responded the man, “I’d heard your pretty strict down here about drinking and driving, but after seeing your roadside test, well, no way I’m gonna pass that…”
 
O’Toole applied for a forklift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to O’Toole and said: "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job."

"And why would you be doing that?" replied O'Toole, "We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job?"

The manager responded, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" asked O'Toole.

"That's simple" the Manager said, "on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote 'I don't know.'"

"You wrote 'Neither do I.'"
 
In honor of the above...

There are two types of peole in this world:
1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
 
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