What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[amo12oo]

I don't think jokes are funny, especially long ones.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I can't take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"
The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me" :banghead:

 

[The_Doc_Man]

amo12oo - don't think jokes are funny, then tells a funny one. Are you perhaps a student of irony?

 

[Deleted member 147267]

Not so much of irony as contradiction?

 

[NauticalGent]

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

 

[CJ_London]

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.

The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm.”

The king replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him.”

So the king continued on his way.

However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So the king hired the donkey

And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

The practice is unbroken to this day

 

[The_Doc_Man]

But of course, we continue to hire more of these asses because the ones we hired decide they would make good politicians where the asses can bray to the masses. So they move up in the world from government employee to office-holder.

I will leave it to individuals to decide which offices are currently occupied by such politicians. However, I will emphasize that more than one candidate comes to mind and only one had orange hair. A lot more are better disguised.

 

[Deleted member 147267]

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted, Cause your feet ain't empty.'

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

Pyramid Scheme for Graduates

https://i.redd.it/edj3xk2wp2k31.jpg

Sent from my Pixel 3a using Tapatalk

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Re: Pyramid Scheme for Graduates

Never thought of it that way, but ... it makes sense.

 

[hammerite]

BOB AND THE BLONDE

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10pm News was coming on.

The news-crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said, "You're on."

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5pm News, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

 

[hammerite]

Physicians were unable to reach a consensus: Should Brexit take place?

The Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Brexiters had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Chemists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that May’s proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anaesthesiologists thought it was all a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a**holes in Parliament.

 

[Guus2005]

Q. How do you milk a sheep?
A. Bring out a new iPhone and charge £900 for it.


One thing you don't want to hear when having fantastic sex?
"Honey, i'm home!"

 

[hammerite]

A little johnny joke

In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol --- dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.
The third worm in sperm --- dead.
The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

 

[CJ_London]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.


Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[Gasman]

A 4 engined flight from UK takes off.

One hour into the journey, the captain comes on over the tannoy and states
'Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem with our outboard starboard engine, and we have had to switch it off. Nothing to worry about, but it means we will be late by about one hour at our destination'

Paddy looks at his mate Seamus and says 'It's OK, captain said so, but a bit of a pain to be an hour late'

Two hours go by.
The captain comes on over the tannoy again and states
'Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem with our outboard port engine, and we have had to switch it off. Nothing to worry about, but it means we will be late by about another hour at our destination'

Paddy looks at his mate Seamus and says 'It's OK, captain said so, but a bit of a pain to be another hour late'

Another wo hours go by.
The captain comes on over the tannoy again and states
'Ladies and Gentlemen, we now have a problem with our inboard port engine, and we have had to switch that off. Nothing to worry about, but it now means we will be late by about another two hours at our destination'

Paddy looks at his mate Seamus and says 'It's OK, captain said so, but a bit of a pain to be another two hours late'. That is fours hours late we will be.?

Seamus looks at Paddy and says 'I hope the last one doesn't have any problems, else we could be up here all night'

 

[vba_php]

I'm not about to read all the pages in this thread so I hope this hasn't been covered yet, but this is one of my favorites that people sometimes don't get:

"2 men walked into a bar. The 3rd one ducked".

 

[azeron]

I must contribute!
“Fact: A deer can jump higher than a house. The two main reasons are a deer’s strong hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump.”

 

[kevlray]

I'm not about to read all the pages in this thread so I hope this hasn't been covered yet, but this is one of my favorites that people sometimes don't get:

"2 men walked into a bar. The 3rd one ducked".

Variation of the above joke (sorry to any blondes that might take an offense). Two blondes walked into a bar, you think one of them would have seen it.

 

[vba_php]

A man and his wife are having sex. They're going at it hot and heavy. Suddenly they hear a noise...it's their little son Timmy standing in the doorway. Timmy is shocked and runs out of the room. The father says "I'll go talk to Timmy". He goes to Timmy's room, opens the door, and little Timmy is giving it hot and heavy to grandma. The father says "Oh my God!", and little Timmy says "Not so funny when it's your mother, is it?".

-Robin Williams: "Weapons of Self Destruction"