What's your best/worst joke?

You should know by now that I have stamina to match yours... :eek:

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Yesterday scientists in Canada revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

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How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? - None, they just sit in the dark and moan!

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So my sister, a natural blond graduating from the University of North Carolina Law School, is job hunting. I suggested that since Microsoft is building up their legal team, she should send them a resume and become a southern blond Microsoft lawyer -- and be the butt of every joke on the Internet.

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How do you get 100 old cows into a shed? - Put a 'Bingo' sign out the front.!!

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After getting married the bride and groom jump into a horse driven carriage and bid their families farewell. Ten minutes later the horse suddenly stops causing the newly weds to be thrown forward. The groom calmly jumps out the carriage, walks in front of the horse and shouts:

"THAT’S ONE!!". Then jumps back into the carriage and resumes his journey. Another ten minutes passes and the horse does the same again. The groom jumps out and calmly walks in front of the horse, and shouts:

"THAT’S TWO!!" then hits the horse over the head with a baseball bat. He then jumps back into the carriage and carries on the journey. Another ten minutes later, the horse still not taking the hint suddenly stops, thrusting the unsuspecting newly weds forward once more. Calmly the groom walks in front of the horse and shouts:

"THAT’S THREE!!!" and blows the horses head off with a handgun. Just as he’s about to sit down next to his new wife, she says "That was a bit harsh wasn’t it !!!". Calmly he looks into her eyes and shouts:

"THAT’S ONE!!" ....

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A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."

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How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? - None, let her do the dishes in the dark.

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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married"
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not", she giggles.

"Great!", he replies, "Get your own DAMN blanket!"
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The Difference between Most Men and REAL Men

Real Men.....put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Most Men...pretend you're not there when their moms call.

Real Men.....claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Most Men...claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Real Men.....know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Most Men...are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Real Men.....really know how to make you relax.
Most Men...really know how to make you laugh.

Real Men.....read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Most Men...read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Real Men.....make a lot of money before they are 30.
Most Men...make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.

Real Men.....wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Most Men...wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.

Real Men.....think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Most Men...think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.

Real Men.....balance their checkbooks.
Most Men...balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.

Real Men.....have an internist, a tailor and an accountant.
Most Men...have a barber, a bartender and a mechanic.

Real Men.....are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Most Men...are afraid of becoming Real Men.

Real Men.....start their own businesses.
Most Men...quit their jobs.

Real Men.....order wine based on more than the price.
Most Men...bring their own beer.
 
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me,"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust."

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said to her,"I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said. "God, I wish I had your will power."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
 
THE FEMALE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS

Car Parking

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract,and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later.There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lampposts.

Incorrect Driving

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Shop Dithering

The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.

Jumble Sale Massacre

The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.

Talking about Nothing

Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unelightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.

Gossiping

On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 People, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

Group Toilet Visit

The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.

Film Confusion

The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".

Single Breath Sentence

An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers,48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and indignant spasms.
 
Why don't men wear tight underwear?
It cuts off circulation to the brain!

Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."
When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh."

Why do men die before their wives?
They should.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

How does a man keep his youth?
By giving them money, furs and diamonds.

What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Why are hangovers better than men?
Hangovers will go away.

What is the difference between garbage and men?
Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!

How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.

Why are men like strawberries?
Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do most are rotten.

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.

How do you confuse a man?
You don't have to - they're born that way

What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority

Why did they kick the man out of the airport?
He kept throwing stale bread at the plane.

What's the hardest thing to teach a man?
How to operate a waste basket.

Did you hear about the two men who went ice fishing?
They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it.

Then there's the jigsaw puzzle for men.
It only has one piece, And most of the time, it's missing.

How do you get a man on the roof?
Tell him the beers on the house.

When does a man develop a brain?
The day he gets married.

Why did the man sell his water skis?
He couldn't find a lake on a hill.

How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
He thinks "harass" is two words

Why don't men die in their sleep?
'Cuz they can't do two things at the same time.

What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man?
A Myth.

Woman: "I got a set of golf clubs for my husband"
Friend: "GREAT trade!"

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
She asks them for a commitment.
 
A man says, "Honey, this meal is fit for a king."
Then he puts his plate down on the floor and shouts, "Here King! Here King!"
 
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.

How do you know if a man is lying?
His lips are moving!

What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they get drunk!

What do you get when you cross a man with a pig?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.

Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"

We try to keep him out of the kitchen.
Last time he cooked he burned the salad.

What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?
One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.

Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewlerry.

Do try to keep with the pace Andy:p
 
Why women always win over men

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
 
WOMEN ARE LIKE...

...the stock market
They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful.

...computers
They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one.

...Saran Wrap
Useful but clingy.

...horses
Fun to pet and ride but a pain to feed and clean up after.

...parking meters
If you don't feed them with enough money you face serious consequences.

...fax machines
Useful for one very specific purpose but otherwise just high-maintenance paperweights.

...political campaign contributors
If you let them talk about themselves long enough you wind up in bed with them.

...refrigerators
They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one.

...blue jeans
They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.

...country western songs
They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll get depressed and drink a lot.
 
Hayley Baxter said:
Do try to keep with the pace Andy:p
Click to expand...

Keep 'em coming baby!! ;)

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after.
 
IT'S TOUGH BEING A GUY

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
 
andy_dyer said:
Keep 'em coming baby!! ;)
I intend to, more than likely you'll run out of jokes soon anyway - You've already copied some of the ones I posted about 2 posts in front of yours which proves you're starting to struggle:p

I may have posted some of these already but had to make sure I didn't miss any out and remember for every anti female joke you post, you'll get 10 times worse;)

Men Are Like...

Men are like
Mini Skirts -- If you're not careful...They'll creep up your legs

Men are like Palaces --
The good ones exist...Only in fairy tales

Men are like Plants --
Some will only flourish and bloom...If you keep them in the dark

Men are like Potato Chips--
You know they're bad for you...But one is never enuff

Men are like Scales
Unless they're centered...They can give you the wrong answer

Men are like Umbrellas
Once you learn how to manage them...They're quite easy to get to open-up

Men are like vacuum cleaners.
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.

Men are like road kill.
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.

Men are like...handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

Men are like plastic wrap.
Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.

Men are like old car tires. -
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.

Men are like pillows. -
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy

Men are like power tools -
They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.

Men are like remote controls. -
Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.

Men are like.....
Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.

Men are like... coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied & can keep you up all night long

Men are like... Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they'll last

Men are like... Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright

Men are like... cement
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard

Men are like... blenders
You think you need one but you don't know why

Men are like... coolers
Load them with beer & you can take them anywhere

Men are like... copiers
You need them for reproduction & that's about it

Men are like... Government Bonds
They take so long to mature

Men are like... horoscopes
They always tell you what to do & they're always wrong

Men are like... laxatives
They irritate the sh.it out of you

Men are like... mascara
They usually run at the first sight of emotion

Men are like... lawn mowers
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, & half the time they don't work

Men are like... noodles
They're always in hot water & they lack taste

Men are like... parking spots
The good ones are taken & the ones that are left are really small

Men are like... weather
Nothing can be done to change them

Men are like... placemats
They only show up when food is on the table

Men are like... used cars
They're easy to get, cheap & unreliable

Men are like... vacations
They never seem to be long enough

Men are like... tiles
Lay them right the first time & you can walk all over them

Men are like... toilets
They're either engaged or full of sh.it

Men are like... Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are

Men are like... Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth & they usually head right for your hips

Men are like... Commercials
You can't believe a word they say

Men are like... Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while

Men are like plungers...
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like department stores...
their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like.....
Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....
High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.


Men are like Windstorms
Not only can they generate a lot of air...It can be either hot or cold
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
 
Top 10: Why computers must be men

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless

9. A better model is always just around the corner

8. They look nice & shiny until you bring them home

7. It is always necessary to have a backup

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on

3. The lights are on but nobody's home

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night

1. Size does matter
 
BANK'S NEW CASH POINT MACHINES

Pleased to inform customers that the YorkshireBank are now installing the Next Generation of new "Drive-thru" cash point machines: Customers will in future be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to you (Male Or Female).

Please remember and follow these instructions when you use the machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6 Turn the radio down 7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Check make-up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Re-check make-up again
20 Drive forwards 2 meters
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26 Release handbrake
 
A WOMAN'S FOUR FAVORITE ANIMALS

A mink in the closet,

A Jaguar in the garage,

A tiger in the bedroom,

And an ass to pay for it all!
 
DEFINITION OF WORDS BY GENDER

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.
 
Rules For Men
1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!
 
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