What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[ColinEssex]

Thats excellent Hay - thanks a bunch.
Sadly alot of those ring true.

Shelf collapsed in wardrobe with bike mag weight.

'Er indoors won't let me bring the bike into the extension says it'll get carpet dirty as if . . .

Car lives on road - bike is in garage

Leather jacket, trousers and biking boots "always in the bloody way" (unquote)

 

[darksith]

OK this is probably the worst joke but anyway. Here goes...

A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says to him "What's with the long face?"

It's an , I know.

 

[Hayley Baxter]

SURE FIRE WAYS TO KNOW YOU'RE A WOMAN

1) You're a bitch.
2) When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no. Then get pissed off when you are believed.
3) Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
4) Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5) Whine.
6) If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy.
7) If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
8) If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
9) Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving his love.
10) Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life.
11) Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labeled a ***** and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.
12) Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

 

[CJBIRKIN]

Have a good Christmas

Chris


It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off.
His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he
owes thousands of pounds to the bank.

Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump,
Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you OK?" asks Father
Christmas.
The
man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. "Stop!"
shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three
wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant
me a small favour
in
return!" "Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!...
Thank you, thank you!"

Father Christmas promises him that :-
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her
sexiest
underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, and
she
will
have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue
with
your work. Your salary will have increased by 50% and nobody will have
any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in
credit, you will have no outstanding bills.
"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for
you?"
Father Christmas tells the man to drop his pants and bend over.

After a quite brutal Rogering, which made his eyes water a little,
Father Christmas asks the man how old he is. "36" replies the man.
"Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't
you!?" chuckled the winner of the Christmas Mardi gras Santa Claus look alike contest.

 

[jon98548]

SURE FIRE WAYS TO KNOW YOU'RE A WOMAN

1) You're a bitch.
2) When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no. Then get pissed off when you are believed.
3) Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
4) Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5) Whine.
6) If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy.
7) If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
8) If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
9) Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving his love.
10) Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life.
11) Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labeled a ***** and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.
12) Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

I needed this list about 20 years ago!

 

[darksith]

I know someone like that ( friend of mine from Walton School). Proves the list is true!

 

[Hayley Baxter]

I needed this list about 20 years ago!

Glad to help Jon, better late than never I suppose

 

[Rich]

I needed this list about 20 years ago!

Yes, it should be taught in schools

 

[Rich]

This one for Col and Rich

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A BIKER WHEN...
- You ever bought saddlebags so you can carry more beer.
- Your girl follows you to the party with the car so you can take more beer.
- Your best friends are named after animals.
- Your best shoes have steel toes.
- You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.
- Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbwire.
- You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them.
- You're only sunburned on the back of your hands.
- You carry around a crushed beer can in the case of soft tar when you park the bike.
- You pull your bike into the motel room and use a bath towel to wipe it off.
- Your girl friend has to climb over the bike to do the laundry in the basement.
- You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.
- Any day you ride is a good day.
- Your other vehicle is a truck with motorcycle ramps in it.
- You get hit by a Taxi in N.Y.C., slide 80 yards and ride the bike home 30 miles with a fractured hip.
- You've been too drunk to Piss but not to drunk to ride your bike home.
- Your three piece suit are Chaps, Leather Vests & a Leather Jacket.
- You don't think its a good party till someone rides his or her bike in and does doughnuts in the living room.
- You think Tequila is a Sex Aide.
- You wake up next to your girl and your first thought is if your bike will start.
- Your kids learn to ride on the back of your bike before they can walk.
- Your garage has more square footage than your house.
- Your coffee table collapses from the weight of motorcycle magazines on it.
- You throw a party and more bikes show up than cars.
- Your kids take a motorcycle chain to Show and Tell .
- All your ashtrays are pistons from your last engine rebuild.

Heaven, ideal

 

[ColinEssex]

Heaven, ideal

define heaven

 

[Rich]

define heaven

Woman in overalls in garage, and bike and said bible on machine, in lounge

 

[ColinEssex]

Oops - better not hijack this thread or Hayley will be on to us

 

[Rich]

Oops - better not hijack this thread or Hayley will be on to us

Nah, she won't even notice, she's too busy trying to deny the existence of superior intellect. i.e. Man

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Nah, she won't even notice, she's too busy trying to deny the existence of superior intellect. i.e. Man

Now I was just starting to be nice...don't get me started again. You have been warned

 

[Hayley Baxter]

A PICTURE IS WORTH...

The husband says to his wife, "You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?"

She says, "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."

He smirks and replies, "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"

She calmly replies, "Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, '"What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

 

[Hayley Baxter]

WEDDING DO'S AND DON'TS



Do: Keep the rings in a safe place or in the care of a responsible person.
Don't: Place rings on sinks or drainboards or gamble using them as collateral because you feel "lucky."

Do: Allow plenty of extra preparation time to deal with unforeseen calamities.
Don't: Run so late you have to choose between showering or wearing underwear.

Do: Kiss gently at the end of the ceremony.
Don't: Even think about using your tongue.

Do: Everything you can to ensure that your wedding guests have a great time.
Don't: Flirt with wedding guests.

Do: Offer the photographer a complimentary meal.
Don't: Make jokes at the photographer's expense.

Do: Accept all gifts graciously and appreciatively.
Don't: Set up a table, hire a pit boss, and make P.A. announcements like "Ladies and gentlemen, Uncle Mike and Aunt Vera come up with a cool $50!"

Do: End your vows with the traditional "I Do."
Don't: Try to be hip or witty by ending with "You Betcha," "Take it to the bank, Padre," or "Yo!"

Do: Break into a kiss when you hear glasses tinkling.
Don't: Tinkle when you hear glasses breaking.

Do: Make sure there's entertainment everyone can enjoy.
Don't: Hire acts like Lola from the bachelor party, Randy's Amazing Pit Bulls, or Max Patkin, The Clown Prince of Baseball.

Do: Make it obvious to everyone just how happy you are.
Don't: Make it obvious to everyone just how horny you are.

Do: Get in a brief "thanks" to guests.
Don't: Get inebriated; punch guests.

or in most married people's opinion - Just don't bother turning up.

 

[Friday]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the Trans Canada Highway for a nice evening drive. The top down, breeze blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle went over 140 km/h, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch my BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 160, 180.... then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

 

[Rich]

Weddings do's and don'ts

And save one tier of the cake so you can return at a later date and throw it back at the vicar

 

[Hayley Baxter]

OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS

WOMEN:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.



MEN:

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands.

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Drive car.

 

[andy_dyer]

The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life

1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"

2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"

3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"

4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"

6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"

8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.