What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[andy_dyer]

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

 

[mitchem1]

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want I you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

[jon98548]

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex

Sorry Andy, couldn't go along with you here.

 

[Hayley Baxter]

FEMALE COMEBACKS

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

 

[Hayley Baxter]

15 REASONS WHY A DIET SODA IS BETTER THAN A MAN

When you swallow a diet soda you only get 1 calorie.
It comes in a can, not in your mouth.
You can ignore a diet soda for weeks and it will still be there when you want it.
The first one won't get mad if you need another one tonight.
A soda generally lasts longer.
You can dump it on the ground when you're done.
A diet soda will treat you the same in the morning as the night before.
You can pick one up at any store or gas station without your friends talking about you.
You can do one in the car even while driving.
The aftertaste is certainly better.
You can get a bigger size without changing brands.
You never have to lie to a diet soda.
A diet soda will wait home patiently when you go out with friends and still refresh you when you get home at 6AM.
When you are done with it, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
You can have a headache and still enjoy it.

 

[andy_dyer]

Sorry Andy, couldn't go along with you here.

I know, I know...

 

[MrsAlly]

The Wonky Donkey ...

Courtesy of my 11 year old step-son ...

What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey


What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey


What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye and passing wind?
A stinkey winky wonky donkey


What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, passing wind wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky, stinky winky wonky donkey.


What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, passing wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing the piano?

A plinky plonky, honky tonky, stinky winky wonky donkey.


What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, passing wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing the piano and driving a truck?

Talented!!!!

 

[Rich]

Is that Ally, Ally, with a broken ankle?

 

[FoFa]

What Every Man Really Wanted for Christmas

1. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
2. Birth control would come in beer.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."
9. Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words... "Ally McNaked." If you are a little older, change that to three words: "Mitzi Gaynor naked".
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop :"Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to ! "I love you."
22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
23. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jumpout of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car, just like Fred Flintstone.
25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

 

[andy_dyer]

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"

"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

"Uh... yes." replied the cop.

"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"

 

[Brianwarnock]

I've read much of this thread but may have missed some so apologies if this is a repeat:-

Wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little maths that might prove helpful.

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then,

H A R D W O R K

8, 1, 18, 4, 23, 15, 18, 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E

11, 14, 15, 23, 12, 5, 4, 7, 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E

1, 20, 20, 9, 20, 21, 4, 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T

2, 21, 12, 12, 19, 8, 9, 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far this will take you......

A S S K I S S I N G

1, 19, 19, 11, 9, 19, 19, 9, 14, 7, = 118%
Think about it... and have a nice day at work...

 

[ColinEssex]

Nice one Brian

T O S S E R S = 115%

I can think of others but this is a family forum

Col

 

[Brianwarnock]

I can think of others but this is a family forum

Col

Reading some of our jokes that's a worry.

On second thoughts listening to the schoolkids on the bus perhaps its a bit weak.

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Time to get back to bashing the men......

well you've all had a few days of peace so some more men bashing jokes wouldn't go a miss

If Women Ruled the World...

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity

"Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks."

Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit".

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

All toilet seats would be nailed down.

Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year olds.

Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks

 

[Hayley Baxter]

There Is No Way to Please a Man

If you don't let him kiss you, you don't love him
If you let him, he thinks you are cheap


If you praise him, he thinks you are pressuring him
If you don't, he thinks you don't care


If you agree to all his wants, he is abusing
If you don't, you are not understanding


If you want to be romantic, he thinks you want a sugar daddy
If you don't, you are plain and boring


If you visit him too often, he thinks you want to get married
If you don't, he worries about new boyfriends


If you put makeup on, he accuses you of flirting
If you don't, he thinks you look like a housewife


If you are jealous, he believes "It's natural for men"
If you don't, he thinks "He can have his cake and eat it too"


If you want a gift of flowers, he thinks "Its a waste of money"
If you don't, he thinks you don't deserve it

If you want an ambitious man, you are pushy
If you don't, you don't care about his future


If you help him out, his ego is injured
If you don't, his feelings are hurt


If you make more money than him, he cannot marry you
If you don't make any, he wants someone else


If he make a suggestion, he wants you to agree
If you don't, you are being difficult


If you say "no", he thinks you mean "try again"
If you don't, he has no respect for you

 

[Brianwarnock]

Re: Time to get back to bashing the men......

All toilet seats would be nailed down.

Is this a good idea!!!!

Better women learn about hinges


Brian

 

[Brianwarnock]

Men's Rules ( with thanks to a Canadian friend)


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

5. Crying is blackmail.

6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

7. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. (That memory storage area is reserved for 'sports facts.')

8. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

9. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

10. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

11. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

12. Check your oil! Please.

13. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

14. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

16. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

17. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

18. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

19. All men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

20. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

21. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

22. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

23. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

24. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. (Well, almost anything; Think a little!)

25. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

26. You have enough clothes.

27. You have too many shoes.

28. No, you really do have too many shoes.

29. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Brian

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Men's Rules ( with thanks to a Canadian friend)

8. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Good point Brian - better getting a second opinion from a woman - we all know that men are incapable of answering such a question

Reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

Men can't pack a bag.

Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.

Men don't answer their mail.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Things Guys Learned From Action Movies

No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.

To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.

There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type that want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.

If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.

If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.

If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.

Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.

If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.

My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children.

When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.

If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.

If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

If I am given a surprise attack, I will be attacked by only one or maybe two people at a time, and I will find that I am well-skilled in Karate and Ju-jitsu, and if all else fails, I will always have one last firearm hidden somewhere on my body.

If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'

Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.

While chasing or fleeing from an enemy, I can drive anything with a motor recklessly at 100-130 miles per hour without a seatbelt, with ammunition filling the passenger seat, and nothing will fall out of place. Also, no police will ever catch me; they'll just look in amazement in my direction.

 

[Brianwarnock]

Good point Brian - better getting a second opinion from a woman - we all know that men are incapable of answering such a question

Then why the h*** do you keep asking???

Brian

PS you as in women in general