What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[Idjit]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated: "What are the guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon.

The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, NASA called a official government translator. He reported that the moon message said: "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

NASA rocket launch

Ram, a mechanic in India, immigrated to USA. His dream job was to be a technician working for NASA on the Apollo project. Finally he got his wish and became a NASA employee.

NASA started the count down for a rocket launch. 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1,0 and pushed the launch button. There was a malfunction in the system and no launch.
Ram told the supervisor : “I think I can fix the problem.”
Ram started giving instructions on what to do.
“Tilt the rocket 30 degrees to the left.”
“Bring it back to vertical position.”
“Tilt the rocket 30 degrees to the right.”
“Bring it back to vertical position.”
“Push the launch button.”

And the rocket took off without a hitch.

NASA administrator was pleased. He asked Ram how he got this idea.
Ram said ; “When I was in India, that’s how I started my Vespa scooter in the morning.”

 

[GSM]

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid problem?'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
My mum was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van in Bankstown.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
S. e x is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
You know that look women get when they want s. e x? Me neither.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A biker stopped by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said since he didn't live far, he would just
walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked
up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all his purchases home!
The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your
other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went... In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird
Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in hell could I possibly hold you up against
the wall and do that?"

 

[smercer]

Here is some funny pictures. enjoy

 

[Oldsoftboss]

Q.. Whats the difference between a Dog and a Fox ?

A.. About 3 drinks.

 

[smercer]

More funny pictures

 

[smercer]

A Robber Meets A Theif
Late one night in Washington, D.C., a mugger jumped a well-dressed man and held a gun to his ribs.
"Give me your money!" he demanded. The man stiffened, but said indignantly, "You can't do this to me - I'm a U. S. Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"

 

[smercer]

Clinton Goes to Hell
One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

 

[smercer]

Bush and Clinton on a Train
Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clinton's cheek.
The blonde thinks: "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face"
The fat lady thinks: "That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him."
Bill Clinton thinks: "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
George Bush thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

 

[smercer]

Clinton Jokes and One-Liners
Q: What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A: "Sat on the Presidential Staff"

Q: What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
A: Fornigate.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
A: He wants to be on top.

Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.

Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
A: It Takes A Village!

Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.

Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.

Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q. What's the difference between the Secret Service and Janet Reno?
A. There are some things the Secret Service won't do to protect the President.

Q. Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
A. The Spread Eagle

Q. What's Lewinsky's favorite bird?
A. The swallow

Q. How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they are to busy screwing the President.

Q. Why did Clinton cross the road?
A. To get to the intern on the other side, of course

Q. Why did the intern cross the road?
A. To get to the BOOK CONTRACT she needed to sign on the other side

Q. What was Lewinsky's position at the white house?
A1. Head Intern
A2. Under Secretary
A3. Missionary

Q. What is Lewinsky's code name in the FBI?
A. Deep Throat

Q. What is Clinton's favorite toy?
A. An Erector Set

Q. What is Clinton's favorite card game?
A. Poker

Q. What is Clinton's favorite food?
A. The Cumquat

Q. What is Clinton's favorite T.V. Show?
A. Leave it to Beaver

Q. What's Clinton's favorite song?
A. Grooving

Q. What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips?
A. Lays

Q. What is Clinton's Favorite Presidential Act?
A. Edict

Q. What office equipment has been distributed to all white house secretaries?
A. The Dick-taphone

Q. What is the unwritten Executive Privilege?
A. Having first pick of the new White House Interns.

Q. Why would Clinton make a great rowing instructor?
A. Because he is so good at say, "Stroke, Stroke, Stroke."

Q. Why is Clinton such a lousy golfer?
A. He likes to take a lot of stokes.
Q. Why does Clinton swim naked in the white house pool?
A. He is trolling for interns.

Q. What is Clinton's worst nightmare?
A. An intern with braces. (I feel your pain)

Q. What's Clinton's Economic forecast?
A. A "Bare" Market

Q. What is Clinton's number one training exercise for interns?
A. Tongue Twisters...

Q. What's Bill Clinton's favorite sandwich?
A. Tongue Sandwich

Q. What does Clinton have in common with a Timex watch?
A. It takes a Licking and keeps on Dicking

Q. Why did Clinton recommend Lewinsky for a job at Revlon?
A. He knew she would be good at making things up.

Q. Why did Richardson offer her a job in the Foreign service?
A. He thought she would be good at speaking in tongues.

Q. What is Clinton's Favorite outfit?
A. The Sear Sucker Suit

Q. Why did Lewinsky have an affair with Clinton?
A. She wanted to get ahead in the world.

Q. What does Clinton do fist thing in the morning?
A. Read the HEADlines...

Q. How many White House interns does it take to satisfy Clinton?
A. Nobody knows, he has never been satisfied.

Q. What do Isikoff and Ice Cream have in common?
A. Both get scooped regularly.

Q. How does Clinton order his coffee in the morning?
A. Hot with Whipped Cream

Q. What's Clinton favorite place in the White House?
A. The Oval Orifice

Q. What magazine does Clinton hate?
A. WIRED

Q. What is the latest warning to be posted in the White House?
A. Don't Tripp!

Q. What did Clinton say the night after the Lewinsky story broke?
A. 'What A Bad Tripp!'

Q. What does Nixon have in common with Clinton?
A. Tricky Dick

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clintons dick and a Quebec Hydro tower?
A. A Quebec Hydro tower comes down occasionally

Q. What do Sleeping Beauty and Lewinsky have in common?
A. Both were Pricked.

Q. What do OJ and Clinton have in common?
A. Both are lying, bad golfers, who leave a trail of DNA behind.

Q. What do Clinton and Starr have in common?
A. They are both inclined to extend their probes.

Q. What was Arafat's Advice to Clinton?
A. Goats don't talk!

Q. What did Gore say after the Lewinsky story broke?
A. 'Why do they call me the stiff man in the White House?'

Q. What did Monica say when the FBI ask for the "Dress?"
A. Come and get it.

Q. What was Clinton's last gift to Monica?
A. Spot remover.

Q. How can you tell you've just had sex with Bill Clinton?
A. You've got french fries in your hair, and Vernon Jordan is handing you a job application.

Q. What do Monica & the Green Bay Packers have in common?
A. They both blew it.

Q. Why does Clinton wear boxers?
A. To keep his ankles warm.

Q. What do Monica & OJ Simpson have in common?
A. Sore knees.

Q. Why did Clinton quit the saxophone?
A. So he could play that Hoarmonica

Q. Did you hear about the 11th Commandment Clinton introduced?
A. Thou shall not expose thy rod to thy staff

Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
A. CHELSEA

Q. What will Bill Clinton be known as when he leaves the White House?
A. The President after Bush

Q. What is the name of Monica Lewinsky's new book?
A. 'My Taste For Power'

Q. How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A. His lips are moving

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a dog?
A. A dog chases his own tail

Q. What is Clinton's codename?
A. 'The Unibanger'

Q. What do you call Clinton's fly?
A. U.S. Open

Q. What did Clinton say when asked about the scandal?
A. I was trying to keep my campaign promise by putting more women on my staff.

Q. Do you know who Hillary has asked to stay at the White House?
A. Lorena Bobbitt

Q. Why are they asking for $3.00 Presidential funds in this year's tax returns (Last year it was only $1.00)
A. Because condom prices have gone up!

Q. What is the difference between the president and the titanic?
A. They know exactly how many people went down on the titanic.

Q. When can you tell that the country is in trouble?
A. Clinton has been caught with Al thinking it was Mal.

Q. What did Clinton say to the new female intern?
A. I haven't come across your face.

Q. What did Clinton say when Paula Jones went public with her story?
A. NOW she decides to open her mouth!

 

[fatbloater]

blonde

Why was the blonde staring at the OJ?

iT SAID CONCENTRATE

 

[accessimpaired]

Happy Halloween

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed
with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain
rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the
bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get
the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a
tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who
had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is
going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit
out of a ghost"


Happy Halloween !

 

[GSM]

An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had
a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and
fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch
of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
------------------------------------------------------
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor - and the doctor decided that he
needed to get a sperm count from his elderly patient.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the patient reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him
the jar, which was as clean
and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, Doctor,
it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my
left hand, then with both hands but nothing.
So I asked my wife for help. She tried with all her might but still
nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady
next door and she tried too, as did Freda our neighbour on the other
side, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbours!!!"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still
couldn't get the dang jar open."
------------------------------------------------------
A married man goes into the confessional and says to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with a woman."
The priest says, "What do you mean, "almost"?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
I stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's
and put £50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, and then walks
over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw
that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and
apparently that's the same as putting it in."

 

[Groundrush]

Jail Break

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a
house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders
the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her
neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the
husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably
spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever
he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey.
I love you" to which the wife responds:

"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was
gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it
was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.

I love you too!!"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Reelection campaign

A mayor in a US town was running for reelection. He was knocked on a man’s door and asked for his vote. Here is an interesting conversation.

The home owner : “What have you done for me lately?”
Mayor : “Your son got the big contract with the city public works. Your wife got job with the city administration. Now, will you please vote for me?”
The home owner : “Sorry, I cannot vote for you. You haven’t done a thing for me yet.”

 

[cheuschober]

Best/Worst Joke...

Two cows are standing in a field.

The first cow says to the second cow, "Hey, have you hear about that new mad-cow disease?"

Second cow says, "What do I have to worry about? I'm a helicopter."


Guaranteed to always get a groan with about 20 more in the wings,
~Chad

 

[ozlander]

Blonde Male

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

 

[NJudson]

This is especially for Jon98548, KenHigg, CavScout and the rest of our fine upstanding Southerns on the board.

Engineering EXAM

Many folks up north think that folks from the south are not so bright. We would like any of the so-called smart-aleck Yankees to take this exam administered by the University of North Carolina State Engineering Department and see if they can pass it.

1. What is the smallest limb diameter of a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum? Please show how you arrived at your answer.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or a'64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw that operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit on the front porch?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

 

[cavscout]

This is especially for Jon98548, KenHigg, CavScout and the rest of our fine upstanding Southerns on the board.

Engineering EXAM

Many folks up north think that folks from the south are not so bright. We would like any of the so-called smart-aleck Yankees to take this exam administered by the University of North Carolina State Engineering Department and see if they can pass it.

1. What is the smallest limb diameter of a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum? Please show how you arrived at your answer.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or a'64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw that operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit on the front porch?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

These are trick questions!

These answer to all of them is "5" except for question 7 which is "Yes".

 

[NJudson]

These are trick questions!

These answer to all of them is "5" except for question 7 which is "Yes".

Shoot! I thought #4 was square root of Pi.