What's your best/worst joke?
- Thread starter Fornatian
- Start date
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
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New styles
Many of the "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how they should present themselves. There are
unsure about the kind of image they are projecting and whether or not they
are correct as they try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you
may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go
together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least . . . my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when
you shop
Many of the "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how they should present themselves. There are unsure about the kind of image they are projecting and whether or not they
are correct as they try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you
may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go
together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least . . . my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when
you shop
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
- Local time
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- Joined
- Mar 28, 2003
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- 989
One Brave Pig
a city slicker was driving through the country one day and saw a three legged pig standing in front of a farm house. he became interested in what had happened to the pig so he pulled up and knocked on the farm house door. the door opened and out stepped the farmer. the city slicker asked, how did that pig come to have only three legs?
well, the farmer said, one night my son went out to the well for water and was attacked by a bear. the pig came to my son's rescue, fighting tooth and nail with the bear until it was finally driven off. the pig was badly injured but lived to be our hero.
the city slicker said, wow, that's a pretty incredible pig, so that's how it came to have only three legs?
well, no said the farmer, one afternoon we learned that a mine down the road had caved in and several miners were trapped. we ran down the road to help and the pig followed us. when we got to the mine, the pig squeezed through what remained of the entrance and was able to find and free the miners who were trapped under timbers. he escorted them out of the mine. the entrance completed collapsed nearly killing the pig who was the last to leave. the town all agreed that the pig was a true hero.
the city slicker said again, what a smart brave pig, so that's when it lost its leg?
well, no said the farmer, early one morning a fire broke out in the farm house. the pig smelled the smoke and came into the house and led each of us to safety. the porch collapsed in flames around the pig as he led the last of us out. the volunteer fire chief said the pig had done the work of five firemen.
the city slicker was visibly moved by the bravery of the pig but was pretty impatient by this time and declared, so that was when the pig lost his leg!
well, no said the farmer. it's just that this pig is too darn good to eat all at once.
a city slicker was driving through the country one day and saw a three legged pig standing in front of a farm house. he became interested in what had happened to the pig so he pulled up and knocked on the farm house door. the door opened and out stepped the farmer. the city slicker asked, how did that pig come to have only three legs?
well, the farmer said, one night my son went out to the well for water and was attacked by a bear. the pig came to my son's rescue, fighting tooth and nail with the bear until it was finally driven off. the pig was badly injured but lived to be our hero.
the city slicker said, wow, that's a pretty incredible pig, so that's how it came to have only three legs?
well, no said the farmer, one afternoon we learned that a mine down the road had caved in and several miners were trapped. we ran down the road to help and the pig followed us. when we got to the mine, the pig squeezed through what remained of the entrance and was able to find and free the miners who were trapped under timbers. he escorted them out of the mine. the entrance completed collapsed nearly killing the pig who was the last to leave. the town all agreed that the pig was a true hero.
the city slicker said again, what a smart brave pig, so that's when it lost its leg?
well, no said the farmer, early one morning a fire broke out in the farm house. the pig smelled the smoke and came into the house and led each of us to safety. the porch collapsed in flames around the pig as he led the last of us out. the volunteer fire chief said the pig had done the work of five firemen.
the city slicker was visibly moved by the bravery of the pig but was pretty impatient by this time and declared, so that was when the pig lost his leg!
well, no said the farmer. it's just that this pig is too darn good to eat all at once.
accessimpaired
Registered User.
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best/worsejoke... I thought this was funny may try it someday
> A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying
>home because she's not feeling well.
>
> "What's the matter?", he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she
>says in a weak voice.
>
> "What in the hell is anal glaucoma?"
>
> "I just can't see my ass coming into work today" she replied.
>
> A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying
>home because she's not feeling well.
>
> "What's the matter?", he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she
>says in a weak voice.
>
> "What in the hell is anal glaucoma?"
>
> "I just can't see my ass coming into work today" she replied.
>
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
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A Farmer
A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, trooper Jon got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”
Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are—I never heard of circle flies.”
So the farmer said, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found, circling around the back end of a horse.”
The trooper said, “Oh,” and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”
“Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”
Trooper Jon said, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and went back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer said, “Hard to fool them flies though.”
A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, trooper Jon got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”
Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are—I never heard of circle flies.”
So the farmer said, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found, circling around the back end of a horse.”
The trooper said, “Oh,” and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”
“Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”
Trooper Jon said, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and went back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer said, “Hard to fool them flies though.”
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have
another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have
a face lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more
time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by
an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you
said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn't you pull me out of the
path of the ambulance!?"
God replied, "Girl, I didn't even recognize you!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent
over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would
just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's
old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since
it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital
organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her
doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on
a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.
==================================================
hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have
another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have
a face lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more
time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by
an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you
said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn't you pull me out of the
path of the ambulance!?"
God replied, "Girl, I didn't even recognize you!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent
over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would
just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's
old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since
it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital
organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her
doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on
a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.
==================================================
Oldsoftboss
AWF VIP
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- Oct 28, 2001
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- 2,499
Why was Jesus born in Bethlehem and not London ?
They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Dave
They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Dave
If Operating systems were airlines
DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, jump off...
Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.
OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty -- only a few prospective passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just departed, although no plane appears to be on the runway. Airline personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid-1995. Maybe longer.
Fly Windows NT: Passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac and place them in the outline of a plane. They sit down, flap their arms, and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
Unix Express: Passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing about what kind of plane they want to build. The passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft but give them all the same name. Only some passengers reach their destinations, but all of them believe they arrived.
Wings of OS/400: The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew, and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but your accounting department can call it overhead.
MVS Air Lines: The passengers all gather in the hangar, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers; bigger models in the fleet can have more engines than anyone can count and fly even more passengers than there are on Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger mile to operate these humungous planes than any other aircraft ever built, unless you personally have to pay for the ticket. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the 200 technicians needed to keep it from crashing. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realize that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.
DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, jump off...
Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.
OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty -- only a few prospective passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just departed, although no plane appears to be on the runway. Airline personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid-1995. Maybe longer.
Fly Windows NT: Passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac and place them in the outline of a plane. They sit down, flap their arms, and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
Unix Express: Passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing about what kind of plane they want to build. The passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft but give them all the same name. Only some passengers reach their destinations, but all of them believe they arrived.
Wings of OS/400: The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew, and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but your accounting department can call it overhead.
MVS Air Lines: The passengers all gather in the hangar, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers; bigger models in the fleet can have more engines than anyone can count and fly even more passengers than there are on Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger mile to operate these humungous planes than any other aircraft ever built, unless you personally have to pay for the ticket. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the 200 technicians needed to keep it from crashing. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realize that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.
Jacob Mathai
Registered User.
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mexican bungee jump
MEXICAN BUNGEE JUMP
One day while they're bungee jumping, Oley says to Sven, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.
" Sven thinks it's a great idea, and so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up their equipment on the town square. As they constructed the tower, a crowd began to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gathered to watch them at work. When the tower was finished, the crowd was so large that Oley and Sven thought it would be smart to give a demonstration.
They climbed the tower together. Oley strapped Sven into the harness -- and Sven jumped. Sven bounced at the end of the cord, but when he came back up, Oley noticed he had a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Oley couldn't grab him before he fell again. When he bounced up a second time, Sven was bruised and bleeding. Again, Oley failed to catch him. Sven went down again and bounced back up. By the time Oley caught him, Sven was nearly unconscious, with a couple of broken bones.
Alarmed, Oley asked, "What happened?!? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Sven gasped, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?"
MEXICAN BUNGEE JUMP
One day while they're bungee jumping, Oley says to Sven, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.
" Sven thinks it's a great idea, and so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up their equipment on the town square. As they constructed the tower, a crowd began to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gathered to watch them at work. When the tower was finished, the crowd was so large that Oley and Sven thought it would be smart to give a demonstration.
They climbed the tower together. Oley strapped Sven into the harness -- and Sven jumped. Sven bounced at the end of the cord, but when he came back up, Oley noticed he had a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Oley couldn't grab him before he fell again. When he bounced up a second time, Sven was bruised and bleeding. Again, Oley failed to catch him. Sven went down again and bounced back up. By the time Oley caught him, Sven was nearly unconscious, with a couple of broken bones.
Alarmed, Oley asked, "What happened?!? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Sven gasped, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?"
Johnny, what is your problem?
"Johnny, what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in
third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office.
The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and
behave.
He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three times
three?"
"Nine, Sir."
"How much is nine times six?"
"Fifty four."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know.
The principal looked at Ms Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to
third grade! He seems smart enough."
Ms Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agreed.
Ms Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
"Pockets!"
"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"
"Pants."
"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and
contains thin whitish liquid?"
"Coconut."
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Johnny was taking charge.
"Bubblegum!"
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?"
"Shake hands, Ma'am."
"Now for some "Who am I" sort of questions, OK? First one; You stick
your poles inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before
you do."
Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"
"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored, the best
man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on
the ball with "Wedding Ring!"
"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you
feel good."
"Nose."
"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a
quiver."
"Arrow."
"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K',
and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
"Firetruck, Ma'am!"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send
him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
"Johnny, what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in
third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office.
The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and
behave.
He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three times
three?"
"Nine, Sir."
"How much is nine times six?"
"Fifty four."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know.
The principal looked at Ms Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to
third grade! He seems smart enough."
Ms Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agreed.
Ms Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
"Pockets!"
"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"
"Pants."
"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and
contains thin whitish liquid?"
"Coconut."
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Johnny was taking charge.
"Bubblegum!"
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?"
"Shake hands, Ma'am."
"Now for some "Who am I" sort of questions, OK? First one; You stick
your poles inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before
you do."
Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"
"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored, the best
man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on
the ball with "Wedding Ring!"
"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you
feel good."
"Nose."
"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a
quiver."
"Arrow."
"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K',
and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
"Firetruck, Ma'am!"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send
him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
Idjit
Clamoring Preschooler
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- Apr 18, 2002
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- 216
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated: "What are the guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon.
The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, NASA called a official government translator. He reported that the moon message said: "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."
The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, NASA called a official government translator. He reported that the moon message said: "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."
Jacob Mathai
Registered User.
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- Sep 6, 2001
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- 546
NASA rocket launch
Ram, a mechanic in India, immigrated to USA. His dream job was to be a technician working for NASA on the Apollo project. Finally he got his wish and became a NASA employee.
NASA started the count down for a rocket launch. 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1,0 and pushed the launch button. There was a malfunction in the system and no launch.
Ram told the supervisor : “I think I can fix the problem.”
Ram started giving instructions on what to do.
“Tilt the rocket 30 degrees to the left.”
“Bring it back to vertical position.”
“Tilt the rocket 30 degrees to the right.”
“Bring it back to vertical position.”
“Push the launch button.”
And the rocket took off without a hitch.
NASA administrator was pleased. He asked Ram how he got this idea.
Ram said ; “When I was in India, that’s how I started my Vespa scooter in the morning.”
Ram, a mechanic in India, immigrated to USA. His dream job was to be a technician working for NASA on the Apollo project. Finally he got his wish and became a NASA employee.
NASA started the count down for a rocket launch. 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1,0 and pushed the launch button. There was a malfunction in the system and no launch.
Ram told the supervisor : “I think I can fix the problem.”
Ram started giving instructions on what to do.
“Tilt the rocket 30 degrees to the left.”
“Bring it back to vertical position.”
“Tilt the rocket 30 degrees to the right.”
“Bring it back to vertical position.”
“Push the launch button.”
And the rocket took off without a hitch.
NASA administrator was pleased. He asked Ram how he got this idea.
Ram said ; “When I was in India, that’s how I started my Vespa scooter in the morning.”
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid problem?'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
My mum was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van in Bankstown.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
S. e x is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
You know that look women get when they want s. e x? Me neither.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
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A biker stopped by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said since he didn't live far, he would just
walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked
up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all his purchases home!
The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your
other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went... In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird
Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in hell could I possibly hold you up against
the wall and do that?"
'Thyroid problem?'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
My mum was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van in Bankstown.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
S. e x is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
You know that look women get when they want s. e x? Me neither.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A biker stopped by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said since he didn't live far, he would just
walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked
up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all his purchases home!
The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your
other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went... In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird
Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in hell could I possibly hold you up against
the wall and do that?"
Oldsoftboss
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Q.. Whats the difference between a Dog and a Fox ?
A.. About 3 drinks.
A.. About 3 drinks.
smercer
Registered User.
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A Robber Meets A Theif
Late one night in Washington, D.C., a mugger jumped a well-dressed man and held a gun to his ribs.
"Give me your money!" he demanded. The man stiffened, but said indignantly, "You can't do this to me - I'm a U. S. Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"
Late one night in Washington, D.C., a mugger jumped a well-dressed man and held a gun to his ribs.
"Give me your money!" he demanded. The man stiffened, but said indignantly, "You can't do this to me - I'm a U. S. Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"
smercer
Registered User.
- Local time
- Tomorrow, 03:22
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2004
- Messages
- 442
Clinton Goes to Hell
One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
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